HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Doorstep "Misunderstanding"

I CAME HOME EXHAUSTED the other day. Late. I was meant to be doing three things at once and hadn't time for any of them. When I encountered a black man standing at our gate. It looked like the man downstairs who has only ever spoken to me to demand a cigarette, but I wasn't sure. Right height and all but this person was staring at me constantly, so I wasn't sure whether it was just someone who looked like him. My eyesight, bear in mind, is terrible, so I usually recognize people only by the characteristics of their blur. As I was about to walk past I mumbled "Alright mate," under my breath. And barely a second later this man, who I could now see WAS the cigarette-demander blurted belligerently, "A hello would have been nice!"

"I just DID say it!" I "retorted" (as writers of novels like to say).

"I do have ears!" he shot back.

"I just said 'Alright?' ~ right to your face!"

"Well I didn't hear anything," he said ~ and I thought how rude!

"Well I'm sorry maybe I mumbled it ~ no offence."

But he still wouldn't believe me and an altercation started in which he said "don't shout" (speaking too loud for you now, am I?" I thought, but kept my mouth shut. And this ignoramous, determined to take offence ranted on about how I obviously hadn't said anything. (Of course HE hadn't said hello either!)

"I thought you would have seen my LIPS MOVE," I said, circling them with a finger for added effect, but he kept on blathering and I went inside and let the door shut on his protestations. All I could think was WHO DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS?

I mean what is this man's problem? Up until then I bore him no ill will at all. And yet he appears determined to find it in others (at least in me). Seek and ye shall find! says the proverb. Now when I go outside I quickly dash past his door (because he lives downstairs) hoping not to see him. And thankfully we have not met since that event about three days ago. I am not going to mention it if he doesn't. But I keep wondering:

What did I do wrong?

14 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I don't think you did anything wrong he's just odd!

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Hi Gledwood:)

Greetings:)

It looks like you have a difficult neighbor. If he is going to pick up a fight over nothing, then it is better to avoid him.

May be the next time you meet him you can smile at him and I mean an artificial smile and say hello to him. Some times we have to put up with nonsense from neighbors.

If you can't avoid him, then you have to change your residence for your peace of mind. If it your own house, then it is going to be a problem.

I wonder what will happen if you stare at him insolently and shout back at him if he talks to you?

The more you try to avoid him it will be a tension for you. It is better to walk before him with your head held high. What will happen if you TAKE THE BULL BY ITS HORNS?

Well I was thinking of the various alternatives.

When I don't like someone I just ignore him and walk away. But then there is always an unpleasant feeling inside me because we are taught from a young age to be nice to others.

Have a nice day:)
Joseph

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleddy,
Sounds like the guy's just got a screw loose. I wouldn't worry about it.

Sending love,

SB

Anonymous Drifter said...

Yikes, not a neighbor I'd want to have!

molson said...

Sounds like your neighbor is a real douche Gledwood. Who does he think he is?... The Queen? If he keeps up, you may have no choice but to slap the silly off his face. Hopefully you will be able to avoid such unpleasantness though.

Margaret Cloud said...

Maybe he had a bad day and was taking it out on you or the first person that passed by, which happened to be you. You were not in the wrong, just ignore him, but please be careful, you never know, I am not trying to scare you, but obviously you live alone. Thank you for coming by and commenting, have a great week.

Bimbimbie said...

Next time you see him give him a big wave *!*

Baino said...

Perhaps "Alright!" was lost in translation and he thought you were being a smart arse. Stick to Hello or say G'day!

Nicole said...

Some people are just bored and need to make trouble so it seems like something is happening in their lives.

Jeannie said...

Next time you see him, demand "Aren't you going to say hello?"

Puss-in-Boots said...

He has a problem, doesn't he, Gleds. Never mind, ignore him and one day he may go away...

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all for all that. Next time I'm going to make sure I wave as he obviously cannot see lips move or hear my voice. But most of all I'll just make sure I avoid the bastard!
I really haven't got time for people like that.
Utter timewasters!!!

Syd said...

Gleds, I would just ignore. It is his problem and not yours. In Al-Anon, we pray for those with whom we have difficulty. Just sayin'.

Gledwood said...

At NA they spare a moment's silence for the "still-suffering addicts". I used to think of all those out there in the bad wide world poor lambs... only after a week in rehab did I realize "Still-suffering addicts" meant people like ME!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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