HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Exasperating ... Me-??

OKAY I CONFESS, my life is going nowhere and I know it and I have no career plans apart from jokey ones that make everybody laugh.

I know I exasperate people by not changing. This blog never has been a cry for help, nor is it meant to be even a document of change (though if and when I do change, that's what the blog will become also). All it was ever meant to give was an insight into my life as an addict of hard drugs. And to draw attention to the fact that addiction can happen to anybody. There's nothing special about being an addict. If I'm "special" in any way it's most definitely despite my addiction -- not because of it.

All I have done today with any enthusiasm is sleep. That's because I could not sleep properly at night. And reluctantly did the bare minimum chores or tasks I had to. And made it to 7pm without major incident.

So much stuff I haven't told you. I'm working on at least making a list of it all. Then I can get round to organizing day-by-day letting you know.

9 comments:

Jonás said...

Gracias por tu comentario amigo inglés, estaré al pendiente de tu blog, es bueno compartir.

Jonás Jonajero, el mexicano

Nicole said...

You worry too much about what other people think. It's easy for others to judge, don't let it get to you. I think a blog is like a diary, a record of ones days and if you're addicted and never do anything else, or if you clean up and get your life together, that is for you to choose, not for other people to preach about.

Deb said...

See, this is the thing. Will you write a best selling novel that will change your entire life? Probably not. But, in dreaming of doing so, can you get excited enough to write a novel that will give you focus and motivate you and give you a reason to move forward? Yes. Dreams are never realized if they're shot down from the get go. Follow your heart and do what makes you feel passionate/excited. The rest will fall into place. Boy, someone's feeling better, isn't she?

marisa negri said...

Thanks for your visit
We are teachears in the public school
my blog personal is www.unaruna.blogspot.com

hasta pronto!!!!

RUTH said...

Waiting to hear! In case I don't get back here over the weekend (Mick's birthday Sunday & lots of visitors) Have a good & positive weekend
{{hugs}}
Rx

Mallow said...

you write well, so stay with it.

Gledwood said...

I worry too much about what other people think: you're damn right I do!!

BTW I remembered what it was I was trying to trawl up the other day to tell you NICOLE:

Remember you said you got a hit from French Polynesia? Well I got one 2 days ago from NEW CALEDONIA: how exciting is that??!

& hi New Caledonian person. Why don't you say hello to me??

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your commentary English friend, I will be to the slope of your blog, is good for sharing. Jonás Jonajero, the Mexican

Gledwood said...

THIS WAS MY ORIGINAL COMMENT TO JONAS AS TRANSLATED BACK BY BABELFISH OUT OF THE BABELFISH SPANISH:


Babel Fish Translation Help

In English:
To unload crude residual waters in the seas is a repugnant thing to do.

They also do it around the British coast and then the swimmers take diseases terrible and the people whom surf practices obtain the stuck tampons to their faces!

This is blog very interesting that you have here. You must come to see mine: gledwood2.blogspot.com. You are most of the reception to visit to me and I ahead watch much to give the welcome there him.

All the best one now of its English friend Gledwood.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood