THIS WAS ONE OF MY DARK DAYS, today. Just like the bad old days when I lived day to day close to rock bottom, laid out (metaphorically) on the street and bashing my head on the pavement. Knowing that living like this, I simply could not go on.
I'd taken my methadone in good time. And yet still, when I awoke, was shivering with chills. I felt ill all day. When my dealer called at 9.30 and I hit him for tick, I knew he wasn't coming though he kept claiming all through the day that he was just going to be another "hour". I drank more meth and went back to bed. Woke after midday still unwell.
This was a hopelessly bleak day. Even when I did make £10 and rang another dealer all I got was an earful of attitude. For a measly £10 (well it was a lot of money to me!) he wasn't going out of his way. I would have to go out of mine.
No buses were running except ones so hopelessly packed you'd imagine a call ahd gone out to evacuate this rotten town. I didn't have my Oyster (swipe) card on me. Walked home which took over an hour. Too exhausted almost to climb the stairs.
Did ride the bus which was furnace-hot from home to this garage he demanded I meet him at. When I got there and found a callbox (eventually) in working order the dealer was all thanks that I'd made the effort. (Strange creature.) Literally on putting down the receiver his runner cycled past. So I got sorted. A torturously packed bus appeared nearly straight away. Home and nearly tearful. Plugged gear into vein. And the whole charade was ended.
All I tell myself is: this cannot go on.
I can't live like this ANY MORE.
The egotism of shyness - A few posts ago I wrote about feeling responsible for killing people. I realised today that I blame myself for many things. Most things. To be honest quite...
6 hours ago