HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Finally Found a Book to Read

SPENT SO LONG LOOKING for a good book to read ... the one I finally found might surprise you. It's the sort of slim volume that might go unborrowed in it's tatty plastic-bound hard covers for years at a time. It's a 60,000 word novel about four old people on the verge of retirement. I've only read the first couple of chapters and loved the way the author characterized these individuals by their hair and what they ate for lunch. The book is called Quartet in Autumn by Barbara Pym. (New York, 1977, Harper & Row/Perennial.) I was quite surprised to find an American edition retaining all the British spellings, expressions and references. Nowadays you hear Brit authors (usually talking to the Guardian newspaper or BBC Radio 4) complaining bitterly about how saccharined-out the American editions of their works become. Like comparing Heinz tomato soup to the real thing. (I bought a tin a few months ago in the vane hope that it might taste of tomatoes. No. "Salty watery sugar-flavour gruel" is what the labelling should have proclaimed. Anyway ...

What have I to tell about today? I hibernated until 5pm when I had to see Valium Marilyn to return £5 she'd lent me. An arduous rush-hour bus journey ensued. Got there and watched Animal Planet on her cable TV ... staff petting lions in Alabama zoo. Marilyn agreed with me: that's a really foolish thing to do. And what happened to zoos' treasured (supposed) belief in keeping wildlife "wild"-?? I heard a shocking story about a giant tortoise and a baby hippo who'd formed a bond in Kenya only to be separated because their relationship somehow went against nature. What rot! I'm quite sure such things do happen in the natural world when mankind isn't about to interfere. And what can be more unnatural than keeping a poor baby hippopotamus in animal prison to be gawped at by the paying bourgeoisie? I'm all for keeping animals but I hate hypocrisy, especially when cruelty is being excused. Give the poor hippo it's surrogate mummy back! So what if she has a hard shell and her head disappears when she's frightened? Are they going to take her back to the Galapagos islands? I think not.

Well I have to go as there's something good coming on telly. (Comic Relief does The Apprentice. Our Apprentice stars Sir Alan Sugar who's 100 times a scarier boss than the bouffonted Donald Trump will ever be. Donald Trump's prestige is all tied up with his money. Sir A has a force of personality that would still shine through if he were living on a park bench. (I somehow don't see that he'd stay there for long ...) See you later.

4 comments:

IVY said...

GLEDWOOD DONT FORGET TO PUT THE TAG UP. ALTHOUGH MAYBE YOU SHOULD WAIT UNTILMONDAY I MIGHT GET A FEW MORE PICS Up..HMM.. ALSO VERY IMPORTANT:
GLEDWOOD WHY HAVE YOU NOT SENT ME YOUR PICTURES>> I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE REMEMBER?WHY THE HELL HAVENT YOU SENT ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER. I NEED TO CALL YOU TONIHGT IT IS AN EMERGENCY.

Deb said...

Gled...glad you found a good book...enjoy!

Tomato soup...mmm, I crave it. I eat it almost daily and they now have all sorts of "speciality" nice thick ones here. There's a tomato/basil that I love.

Speaking of baby hippos...I was following the plight of one here. Blogged about it here.

Just wondering...did you ever hear of Koko the gorilla?

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood