HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Wot Eye Did 2Day + Japanese Hornets

TIME AND LIFE ARE SLIPPING BY ME: I feel them draining through my fingers even as I try to keep just some kind of track. I'm racking my brains for some kind of ideas as I want a project. Already have one idea, pretty much fully-formed, but that can be done any time. I want to write about my present situation while it still lasts, which entails constructing either a solid plot or, at the very least, a tale with a strong moral point. Just "what the junkies did" isn't going to light any publisher's fire, I can see that now. (Though having said that I've not come across a single novel that actually tells drug addiction as it is. At least nothing that's sold well enough to register on my radar (and I'm not interested in writing for junkies, they don't buy books (they mostly shoplift them or just pick them off collections left at charity shops' doorsteps...) I want my story to be read by anyone who speaks English and feels inclined to pick a good book up. That's who I'm writing for. Not other addicts and not people who want something selfconsciously "literary" and possibly prize-nominated to display on the sideboard impressing passing middleclass houseguests.)

William Burrows wrote some interesting stuff back in the 1950s ... but I have to say I found his introductions and appendices far more interesting than the actual "work" itself. Don't worry I'm not shillyshallying around registering more excuses for my inactivity. When I do pick up pen to write I do so with "alacrity". I think that's the expression.

Saw a fantastic film last night called The House of Mirth with X-Files star Gillian Andersen playing a headstrong society girl from turn of the (20th) century New York. Her reputation gets ruined (although gambling money at bridge aside, she does nothing (so far as I can see) to warrant that ...) and in the end all goes "breasts up" to Bowdlerize a local expression. (By the way, googling just now the title to make a purple link I found out it did indeed come from a novel (by Edith Warton). I thought while I was watching it that the concept was a little complicated for an original screenplay ...

Do you know one of my problems is I am too obsessive. Case in point would be I watched The Hoobs two mornings in a row and now my brain is hoobaciously hoobledoobleDOOing at every opportunity. So people belive I'm madder even than I usually am. When I was younger (last year of primary school, actually) I had so-called OCD badly enough to be washing my hands until they chapped and literally bled. And even though this has ostensibly gone away I'm left with remnants of that manner of behaviour. For one thing I cannot do anything by halves. I believe this has worked against me as an addict. Once I'd broken down various barriers, crossed bridges, burned bridges perhaps I really felt there was no going back. And my sheer willfullness has worked against my wellbeing. Will equals desire. And my desire has been to "use". Which is precisely what I have done again and again and again, day after day for year after year.

Right I'm going to go now but just thought I'd leave that little "titbit" (I'm not being rude that is the Brit dictionary spelling, with a t not a d) with you...

PS What do you think of this? Have a click on my Beefight: Hornets from Hell telecast!! (Don't be too impatient: let the IBM commercial/etc run first ...) This is the best Youtube-type video I have ever seen and I thought it had been deleted from National Geographic's site. So sit back, have a nice cup of coffee with sweetened with honey? perhaps??, watch the carnage & get ready to tell your friends... Aren't those the most disgusting wasps you've ever seen??

PPS Isn't this a cute lil snap of a Roborovski hamster??

21 comments:

RUTH said...

Fascinating video even if it is rathe gruesome...we (man) think we are so clever but we have nothing on the animal kingdom. You are so good at finding these "titbits" have you ever thought of starting a blog just about all the brilliant vids/news clips etc you find. No mention of your drug problem or anything...a drug free zone?...and just full of fascinating facts....GW's Fab Facts.
Rx

Nicole said...

Use the force Luke. Use your OCD to obssessively compulsively clean up.

Gledwood said...

yes nicole you're right there definitely one day it will work for me rather than against.

grumpygit said...

Arrgh! I can't get the wasp video to work :o(

I'll have to try back later...

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Quote
"(Though having said that I've not come across a single novel that actually tells drug addiction as it is.)"
Unquote

Alice in wonderland. Lewis Carrol relied upon the awe insiring puff of opium, as was the habit in those days. He may not have had the same habitat as yourself, but possibly relied upon the effects of opium tohelp his condition. This substance, as you obviously know is highly addictive. Extract from Wikipedia follow:

"The possibility of drug use
There has been much speculation that Dodgson used psychoactive drugs, however there is no direct evidence that he ever did. It is true that the most common painkiller of the time—laudanum—was in fact a tincture of opium and could produce a 'high' if used in a large enough dose. Most historians can infer Dodgson probably used it from time to time to ease the pain of his arthritis, since it was the standard domestic painkiller of its day and was to be found in numerous patent medicines of the time, but there is no evidence he ever abused it or that its effects had any impact on his work. There is no factual evidence to support a suggestion that he smoked cannabis. However, many people regard Alice's hallucinations in the Wonderland, when surrounded by teas, mushrooms and smoking insects, as references to psychedelic substances. "

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Which doesn't give you an ok to continue the use of these subsances - Lewis carrol died quite young. You ain't gonna do that, you git.

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Just watched your link to the bees and hornets, fascinating. Human behaviour is not so different, innit.

I have, with my M.E. always had this OC thing. When I lock a door for example I always have to go back and check it mainly because my short term memory is shot to bits. Then I have to go back and check it again in case I havent done it.


By the way, I didn't lend you a fiver last week, did I?

gledwood said...

I wish someone would lend me a fiver. I only know one person on earth who can/will ever lend me money when I really need it...

Talking about those books I was talking about stuff RECENTLY published. And really I meant HEROIN ADDICTION. I've found a couple of good ones about crack but both were published & marketed as "black literature" ... I hate that ghettoization/categorization. I hate it. That's why, like I said, I only want to write mainstream. If the mainstream don't get what I say I feel I've not done my job which is to TELL IT LIKE IT IS ...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I've always toyed with writing a book too but I've been on chapter one for afew years now. I hope you will do a lot better.

I certainly am no expert but I get the feel from reading a lot of "how to..." books that readers need to be able to identify and emphasise with the principle character. That is, even if your book is about heroin addiction, the technical side is incidental to having a human protagonist that they can cheer for or cry for. Most people like a neat package of the character having a problem (not the drug problem but maybe his lack of self-confidence) which he learns to resolve at the end of the story. All the best. I think it is a great project.

Dorky Dad said...

Stupid video won't play. I want to see killer wasps!

Then again, maybe I don't want to see killer wasps. I'm paranoid of them as it is.

Wayward Son said...

I had a little difficulty getting to the video but I'll keep trying.

If you have a taste for Edith Wharton novels on film I highly recommend Scorsese's Age of Innocence, aptly starring the not so innocent Winona Ryder and the very innocent Michele Pfeiffer. It is one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen.

Writing a book about your life is a great idea. I don't think it has to be just about using though. It's all interesting and using is just an extreme aspect of it. How you get there and how you get out of there is really what makes the page turn. It's sort of a given you need to get out. I was thinking why not just keep trying and trying. Here we call that "harm reduction". Then I thought subjecting oneself repeatedly to a full schedule of drug sickness is a bit much and probably more harmful than continued use. Have you ever checked out the site for rational recovery? It's just another element to consider.

I have missed your visits but I too have been struggling to keep up with my own writing and been very lazy about reading the things I like. I'm trying also to read this book, Beginning Mindfulness. So far it's not sticking no matter how much in agreement I am with its intent. I keep losing the book as well which is my current saga of irony.

I'll check out the bees. Ants are pretty amazing creatures too. I saw this doco recently (Animal Kingdom) that referred to the colony of this specific ant as a city state. They filled the whole thing with cement as if it were the Sodom and Gomorrah of ants and then excavated the whole thing and it was HUGE! It even had systems engineered for the flow of oxygen and a waste removal operation and holding room. What's next? Ants with bidets? Amazing critters.

You sound great my friend—really, really great.

WS

Nicole said...

I just managed to watch the hornets but without sound. They'd take over the world if they were any bigger.

Anonymous said...

Suggested reading: The Writer's Journey by Christopher Vogler. It will ruin you from ever enjoying a movie or book again, you'll be critiquing it all the way.

kinkazzo said...

Mon ami, trovi sempre cose interessanti!
Sorry I don't visit too often, but I'm sort of busy with my exceedingly turbulent microcosm...

A bien tot,
~K

Dagobert of Tacoma said...

Have you ever been stung by a dead bee?

Evil Spock said...

The video didn't work for me. Thanks for visiting again. I've been a bad blogger because I've let real life get in the way!

The young lady on my blog is from Star Trek. Google Marlena Moreau. My friend guest blogs under her when she posts at The Few!

IVY said...

You sound down. You could write a good book if you wanted to. I'm sure of it! You are so prolific! All you'de need was a jumpstarter topic and off you'de be. I don't think drugs is the way to go though. It will be in the writing anyway so the topic might want to be about something else. I mean dont limit how much you talk about drugs but dont make it a theme.. how's that? Also obsessiveness helps in good writers so they dont give up.. Other people just talk and talk and dont even have a book.
My problem is I have the best writing I've ever done and it's a book and I've gotten good reviews from writers but havent found an agent got discouraged earlyhavent had time energey to send it out in a year. I feel for you except I need an AGENT... I need to sell.And that's what I'm worst at unless it's in person.. Like I can get a total stranger reallyworked up about it. Just not with a copyletter following "all the structures that this particular agency follows."

IVY said...

Gledwood, please come back and comment on the breast issue. In fact if you could get as many people as possible to come and say if I have ugly breasts that would be great. I think one is slightly uneven. So please get everybody to come to
http://nostoppingplace.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-little-clonopin-hallucination.html

ggirl said...

You didn't like William S. Burroughs? If you ever get a chance, "The House of Mirth" is an excellent novel, though her contemporary, Henry James, is even better.

OCD? Has anyone suggested you're self-medicating? Just a thought. Take care.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood