HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Tagged! 101

Hey! I got tagged by Debs. It is an A-Z questionnaire, so here goes.

A- Available or Single? – Unavailable to most people.

B- Best Friends? – I'm a great believer in friendship but DISbelieve in "best friends" for that very reason ...

C- Cake or Pie? – Pie bc I prefer savouries to sweets (generally). But it has to be home-made and not some awful 80% air industrial supermarket's version. Strangely I have never seen "air pie" marketed. How odd.

D- Drink of Choice? – Alcohol for the effect. Otherwise milk as long as it's in chocolate shake (good for the teeth (the milk, that is; not the chocolate or sugar)). Red wine. Fizzy freezing cold white wine or perry for summer. Pina colada. Single malt. Dutch/German/Czech beer ("lager"). Alcopops eg Berries flavour Reef. Limeade made with lime juice. Pomegranate juice as of today; it's like melon juice but strong enough to dilute into cyder and still dominate the flavour....
... for completeness I ought to include the drink I imbibe the most: White Star cyder 7.5% ABV. Flavour: occasional hint of apple. Effect: liquid alcoholic brillo pad. ...
... O man ... HOW could I leave THIS out? There is NOTHING like a GOOD cup of PROPERLY-MADE tea. White. Strong (not stewed). And sweet. But not too sweet. English breakfast blend is best. Never ever scrimp on tea. It's not like expensive tea is "expensive" in the scheme of things. So get the best you can. Always. Especially if you live outside the UK or Ireland as I have grave reservations about the quality of foreign teas. Sometimes, in cafes, they even bring you a mug full of fairly hot water, the teabag BESIDE it ... as if that is going to brew properly. Boil water THOROUGHLY (you cannot OVERboil it, not for tea). Heat the pot or mug you are going to use by swilling with boiling water. If using teabag in the mug do not allow a spoon (especially a metal one) to stand in the mug. Infusion must be as hot as possible. Squeeze bag and stir after about 2 mins. Stand another 2 mins. Repeat bag squeezing/stirring. Tea not brewed for four mins minimum just ain't tea. I'm sorry. And don't drown it in too much milk.
That is how to make the perfect cuppa!!!

E- Essential Item? – Pen and Paper. Never let you down, unlike electronic would-be "replacements"--!!

F- Favourite Colour? – Blue. What else??!

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – Can you eat these? I thought Gummi Bears was a cartoon on retarded morning TV, probably clashes with the Hoobs so I wouldn't watch it even if I WERE paying attention ... well it has to be worms then.

H- Hometown? – London

I- Indulgence? – Too much of it!

J- January or February? - February bc post-Xmas hangover has dissipated, it's more full-on winter (usually) & is closer to spring

K- Kids and Names? – Don't have none but I love the name Nabila /Nabeela for a girl. But I'm not an Arab or a Muslim.

L- Life is incomplete without? - Breathing. OK am I meant 2b more circumspect/etc? OK then: dreaming. There you go, bc sleep is the nearest thing to death and dreaming obviously distinguishes the "final two" most certifiably.

M- Marriage Date? – Late August 1982. Both parents REmarried OTHER PEOPLE the SAME bankholiday weekend in 1982 and torn between offers to live with both I went a little CRAZY.

N- Number of Siblings? – ONE blood brother ONE step brother

O- Oranges or Apples? - Oranges

P- Phobias/Fears? – Wasps, Spiders, Scorpions, Crabs, Lobsters, Octopods/pusses/pi/whatever they're meant 2b called, Centepedes, Millipedes/etc ... I could go on, but get the theme? I love bumblebees tho...

Q- Favourite Quote? - "And the lamb shall lie down with the lion and the little child shall lead them." Isaiah something (Bible).

R- Reasons to smile? - When things are funny!

S- Season? – Spring. How original! Yeah, I know.

T- Tag 3 People? Here is 4:--– Nicole, Ruth, Wayward "Crystal Clean" Son, & Chipper....c'mon get answering quicker than I did!

U- Unknown Fact About Me? – Is anything about me not known to SOMEone? I honestly doubt it. One thing I learnt long ago, not to let secrets have power over me. But to know when to keep one. (I hate people who can't keep secrets they are truly pathetic.)

V- Vegetable You Hate? – Parsnips; they are GROSS

W- Worst Habit? – My Drug Habit

X- X-rays You've Had? – Can't remember. Loads of dental ones for my forever-rotting teeth. Probably my shoulder when I got hit by a lorry but I don't remember it. Was told I had a broken something there. Idiot doctors let me go and yet I couldn't tell where I was for half the next week. Went to the doctors but couldn't tell her what I'd forgotten. Ie had REAL concussion not the theatrical type and the medical profession let me down as badly as they always have done when I've needed them. At least the driver was courteous enough to stop otherwise I'd have wandered off somewhere and would still be traumatized to this day as I STILL cannot remember getting hit.

Y- Your Favourite Foods? – Fish, (tinned) sardines in brine are pretty nice (a new discovery). Of course fresh ones in Spain =nicer. Cod in parsley sauce. Sild and skippers. Sprats and whitebait deepfried. (I lurve fish, one great reason to live by the coast.) Also they're the only animal I can observe swimming: silvery, torpedo-shaped and very much alive and STILL they make me hungry!!! I'm a thorough carnivore... pyskivore? piscivore..??/whatever.

Z- Zodiac? – Pisces/Water Rat (Chinese)/Ash(I think/ else willow (Celtic tree calendar))

16 comments:

RUTH said...

Busy uploading photos at the moment but promise I will do it! Have I missed your birthday as you're Pisces...when was it?

Gledwood said...

It was 2 weeks ago but I didn't want no one to know!!!

mrsnesbitt said...

WOW! lOVE THIS..................PLEASE pm me, i WOULD LOVE TO DO THIS, BUT WILL PROBABLY FORGET IT BY TOMORROW......................PLEASE REMIND ME!

dX

Evil Spock said...

I hate tags.

chipper said...

Excellent list! Now I know why the tea is always better in England; I just haven't been making it right. I even buy my tea in London and take it home ... but it never tastes the same when I make it. 4 minutes, is it then? I shall try your recipe at the weekend.

And I accept your challenge! I'm off to do the tag right now ...

Kelly said...

That verse is Isaiah 11:6. Would love to hear why you like that verse. (still praying for you)

Nicole said...

A- Available or Single? – Unavailable and unsingle.

B- Best Friends? – My friend Suzanne comes the closest to that description.

C- Cake or Pie? – Probably cake.

D- Drink of Choice? – Green tea, ginger tea infusion, Martini Bianco with lemon and ice, a good red wine, Caipirinha.

E- Essential Item? – My Apple Mac computer and an internet connection.

F- Favourite Colour? – Depends on many factors. Some colours I'd never wear or decorate with but like to see on flowers or other items. Hard to say. I like shades of orange, green and blue and don't like red much.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – Gummi Bärchen, and only the original from Haribo in Germany.

H- Hometown? – Vukovar (Croatia).

I- Indulgence? – All the time.

J- January or February? - Depends which hemisphere I'm in. January in Europe... come to think of it, January in Australia too.

K- Kids and Names? – Can't stand the little bastards, unless they're smart and thoughtful. There are a few kids I do like, some of my friends have managed to breed successfully and reared their kids into fine, little people. Names Maya, Namibia, Oscar.

L- Life is incomplete without? - Travelling.

M- Marriage Date? – Not married, but celebrate our anniversary every December 9th.

N- Number of Siblings? – One younger sister.

O- Oranges or Apples? - Oranges.

P- Phobias/Fears? – Don't like birds getting too close to me. Would probably not like to touch them.

Q- Favourite Quote? - "Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

R- Reasons to smile? - Sunshine, flowers, animals.

S- Season? – Summer and autumn.

T- Tag 3 People? That's a bit of a stretch for me. You can be happy that I filled this out.

U- Unknown Fact About Me? – If I write it down it won't be unknown anymore.

V- Vegetable You Hate? – I don't think I hate any vegetable. I don't like meat.

W- Worst Habit? – Going to work every morning.

X- X-rays You've Had? – A few dental ones when I was younger and of late it was abdominal X-rays to check on a stent that was placed in my bile duct and lung X-rays to check for infection... but that's over now.

Y- Your Favourite Foods? – Fish, seafood, vegetables, sushi, Mediterranean food and Thai food. I like most things, so long as it's not meaty or greasy.

Z- Zodiac? – Virgo (sun), Aquarius (moon), Pig (Chinese).

Nicole said...

I just read your birthday was 2 weeks ago!! What date??? My friends Suzanne and Marisa are both Pices (born on the 15th).

Wayward Son said...

Help! This is my very first tag and just when I thought I had no virginity left to loose!

I am uninformed about how to respond to tags. Do I post it here in the comments or on my blog or both?

WS

Deb said...

WS...the norm is to post your answers on your blog, which is nice because then we get to come and visit you!! But Nicole's response made me realize that posting here, in the comments, is a good way for all the answers to be shared in one spot.

So I was no damn help at all, was I?

Deb said...

Gled...I think these things are great because we learn little things that we didn't know about people.

I was very surprised to read about your phobias...very interesting.

And please let us know your birthdate...was it back when you were really depressed?

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

¡malvinas argentinas!

Anonymous said...

¡gibraltar español!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood