HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

LITERARY MOODS

JUST SAW A TV PROGRAMME ON BIPOLAR DISORDER presented by Stephen Fry, who is, I should think, just about thee most successful English actor not to be particularly wellknown by Hollywood. Several years ago ... it must be over a decade ago now ... he received some critical reviews re a West End play he was appearing in. Amid tabloid hyperbole and hysteria he vanished, took a ferry across the water and was last seen wandering the desolate North Sea shores somewhere outside Ghent in Belgium ... at least that's my potted history of his story.

What had actually happened was, he had a depressive breakdown. Since that he's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (that's manic depression to me and possibly you) and has been riding the highs and lows, lithium-free and medication-free ever since. (Not that his problems started with his absconding from the play, they merely reached a head and when he "turned himself in" at a London hospital the dreaded diagnosis followed. It was quite an informative documentary as TV-hours go.

Usually in these things, if you have any prior knowledge of the subject at all, you learn nothing new bar perhaps a few trifling facts and merely hear old knowledge regurgitated in a novel way. This documentary was different because it scratched the surface of an interesting area: the pros and cons of mood-stabilizing medication. If you go on lithium and disconinue it the moodswings can become more frequent and worse. So what has any of this to do with me? I was just ten or eleven years of age when I first became depressed enough to want to die.

Throughout my teens I had intermittent periods of being so lethargic, so slowed up, I was being compared to a dinosaur. Then, having done my A Levels and got grades I found disappointing, yet which were still good enough to get accepted on the literature course to which I had applied, I eventually left home (after a gap-year in which I did nothing of any note at all ...) went to uni at the other end of the country, rapidly became tired and down, got introduced to drugs via a joint and an LSD trip where I unwittingly swallowed 4 tabs at once (well I didn't know how small they were and this was "white blotters") I spiralled rapidly into a depressive tailspin and stayed down and very low for over two years. Looking back I don't know how I managed to achieve what little I did during the time that I endured university ... for a year and two terms (semesters were just coming into British universities back then).

The psychiatrist to whom I was referred was of little help. He prescribed one medication that put me straight in Accident and Emergency with Parkinsonian symptoms. His colleague took one look at me (I turned up stoned on cannabis) and struck me off his books. I since found out psychiatrists are most apt to do this if you fail to conform to the right profile of ticked boxes. I saw a counsellor who I later surmised despised me because my lifestory was too similar to her's.

For several long and trying months my only source of solace and support was my GP ("family doctor") who made for me a rolling appointment same time every week and in his own subtle way ensured that as I listed and dipped my way through life I didn't completely capsize and sink altogether. It was only at the end of this two year timeframe, walking across a vast expanse of grass into a great pink sunset that a rushing feeling filled me that I had only ever felt on drugs. This was genuine happiness returning at last, and all I could compare it to was the sensation of the drug ecstasy. Because the nights on E were the only happy nights I'd had for as long as I could remember. I cannot tell you how low I was back then.

I subsequently got a job, worked literally every waking hour. Didn't have enough hours in the week to work, eat, sleep, keep clean and get back to work. So when I got laid off, after weeks on end of this, I was so lost I tried to kill myself. My first thought on awakening was a happy one, because for a lovely moment I thought I'd actually done it, crossed over and this was the afterlife. "This" was actually a chilly bath full of weighty debris where I'd lain, knocked out cold on drugs and wearing five layers of clothes. Looking back -- a hopelessly inept attempt, but serious all the same.

Whether I'm "bipolar" I have no idea as I've shrewdly (or stupidly) kept my highs to myself, knowing precisely what doctors think of depressed people who get a bit happy and OTT. So I'm presently diagnosed as simply a junkie. Which suits me fine right now. Because at present that is about all I am ...

PS Does anyone actually click on these purple links I pepper my postings with? They are all highly helpful by the way if you want to go on a tangential journey of newness. So come on ...

14 comments:

IVY said...

"diagnosed as a junkies?" didnt know junkies got diagnosed!!

The link was in the writing. If you looked at the next paragraph NOT in italics you saw a link that said go here because I'm trying to make them less visible.. blah blah. And if you clicked on the word "Less Obvious" which was lined blue so you know it's a link you got there.
But if it's coming from your blog.. fuck discretion! Here we go:
http://ivy-photographs.blogspot.com/

IVY said...

(i mean fuck my discretion not yours.. cuz it's already from your blog so it's more discrete 4 me since it's from me if it were on my blog it would be less discrete because..oh you get it000

RUTH said...

I was going to say what a roller coaster but more downs than ups. Really wish there was some system to give you the support you need. Or maybe there is but it's not working for you. Keep trying Gleds; there's got to be some way to get you out of the hole you're in.
Stephen Fry I agree is brilliant.
Rx

Nicole said...

How funny that you're talking about that documentary! I was just mentioning it to a friend of mine who has been suffering for many years with depressive breakdowns and possibly bi-polar, on and off lithium, hospitals, the lot. He is now off medication and living with his girlfriend and trying to get by with what he has learned over the years as doctors seem to know little.

I was writing to him yesterday and happened to mention this documentary. I also found it very interesting because it was a more honest view of the illness and what people were feeling and how they were treated.

Edyta said...

Hey!
Thats quite a useful thing u've watched on tv :) this rarely happens here, thats why i always watch such channels as history & discovery... becoz otherwise i feel getting more & more stupified.
oh & yes, i i dont know the meaning i click on the purple links. i feel smarter afterwards. (i WISH!) LOL
Have a nice day :)

claire said...

hee gledwood! first thanx for your tip for the video, i tried, and it worked out..so thank you

i read a piece on your blog, about the brain, dipolair etc, and i just read an interesting book by antonio damascio, maybe you should read it! he has several books on how the brains works, where your feelings and emotions are etc. nice nice if your in to philosophy, psychology and neuropsychology. so tip! chau and thanx again

Deb said...

gled...I'm always curious how they can "diagnose" things so quickly. My daughter's having issues and some meet with her for an hour (of which they let her speak maybe 10 minutes) then they decide she needs anti depressants. I'd feel more comfortable if, over time, this was the conclusion. But I think that some (many) doctors/counsellors/psychiatrists are "programmed" to go through the same motions and don't really treat people as individuals. They zero in on a few key words and it's a done deal. Which is frustrating.

It sounds like you've had a lengthy battle that wore you down. I hope you find the secret to getting things on track because you are far too interesting/intelligent to keep swimming upstream.

IVY said...

sigh... psychiatry today is both complex, standardized, helpful, not-helpful.. and a lot more confused than it will admit to. Can you admit Standfords biggest psychiatry specialist standing up and saying "the truth is we dont know if a lot of these disorders are beloney or not and we dont know if you are all guinea pigs or not and we just dont know what's going to happen" nobody would put money into their experiemtns which are to help someday but even if they arent now.. Read "Toxic Psychiatry" also... It's such a bittersweet complex battle in my field. I'm not saying pshychiatry is like when they "bled people"to make diseases go away but.. I'm saying it MIGHT BE NOT GOOD FOR US some of the things they spout and a lot of the drugs and...

IVY said...

says he was in le divorce and stephen fry looks familiar. what is he mostwell known with? tabloids seem most obsessed w/mistakes women make not men. every female actress gets more tabloid/magazinetime...dont they?

IVY said...

i really hope you dont start taking the antipsychotic drug they reffered you on. I know from... I know they can cause even motor functions. They can cause ticks and attack different centers of the brain... FUck they make it so you sometimes forever your tongue keeps darting out of your mouth and you cant control it.. tartive dysconesia.. shit like that.. I wouldnt do it.If you want to know more than google anti-psychotics and side affects.

Eowyn said...

I do admire the way you've mastered the peppering of your posts with subtle pathways to other places. So far I've not taken any of the pathways, but one never knows when the first time will be that I want to know more and you've made it possible. Please don't stop blogging. What you say is of value. You clearly reach a lot of people. It's okay if sometimes you say nothing, just don't stop altogether, please.

ggirl said...

Lithium is not (and has not been for years) the only prescription for bipolar disorder. Stephen Fry needs to get with the program. Did he mention that there's a very high percentage rate of suicides among folks with bipolar? Just saying.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood