HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Thinking of "Careers" ...

WELL IT'S LATE Tuesday morning: I slept for ages and ages last night. Have been wondering what careers I could do. Do you know I've always been attracted to the idea of medicine. I don't know that I'm bright enough to be a doctor but I'd be up for training to do nursing. I'm not qualified to do any career at all you see, so I want to learn a "trade" ... Of course the one problem that arises with nursing and being a former addict (I wouldn't do the course if I was still using, I'd HAVE to be a former addict) is the issue of handling painkillers. But I've met a doctor at NA who got high on his own supply of drugs, cleaned up and was still practising into his sixties. My drugs are street drugs, so the associations with medication are weaker anyhow (addiction works by associations, it turns life into one big vicious circle). I was pondering this possible career like a teenager all weekend and only at the end of it realized my addiction might affect it. But I don't know that I should let that put me off training at all. I don't know, well it's an idea ...

14 comments:

Women on the Verge said...

I think it's a great idea... it means you have hope, and that is wonderful.

E

Anonymous said...

God gives everyone a purpose. You might be amazed what He has in store for you. Jeremiah 29:11

gledwood said...

Thanxx. What I was getting at is when you do nursing (nonpsychiatric general) you have to obviously do a bit of everything at least in training which would mean administering the morphine/diamorphine which isn't something I would relish. But I'm sure there are branches of the profession where such pain relief is less likely/unlikely to be required so I suppose I'd go for that.

whitenoise said...

I was in treatment with a bunch of doctors and pharmacists at the now-defunct Central Ohio Recovery Residence. They have their own sub-group of NA called Caduceus. NA and AA are both full of nurses. Anything is possible if you have a good recovery program.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Don't sweat it man. Most of the stuff you're likely to encounter as a doctor has a more potent (and expensive) street variant.

Is that true? I dunno. But it sounds encouraging. Believable, even, if you're cynical enough.

Vincent said...

No matter what, it's good to think about your future. It's patiently waiting for you to grab it :-)

Deb said...

when I worked at the treatment center pilots had their own AA group called Birds of a Feather.

Just the very fact that you're considering things like this puts you halfway there. Start at square one and start working towards it Gled. Little baby steps will turn into great strides over time. I'm so hopeful for you.

RUTH said...

You certainly would have an insight into many drug related problems; maybe you could use some of that knowledge...mind you you'd have to be clean before you could help anyone else.
Rx

Sarah said...

I think it's a wonderful idea too! My dad's friend who was an addict got clean, and started working in a clinic for at-risk-youth. He loved it and the kids really could relate to him, being as he had been through it and understood what they were dealing with. I say go for it!

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all. My family said I wouldn't even be allowed to start the training but I don't see this has to be true. I met a still-practising family doctor at several NA meetings. He got "high on his own supply" for quite some extended time until his colleagues put an ultimatum to him, clean up or be discharged and unable to write out all those prescriptions anyhow ... and HE is still practising to this day unless he is retired. Of course he only became an addict AFTER qualifying... but addiction is so widespread today I cannot see that that ALONE (as long as it is in the past) should stop anybody ...

Claire said...

Well i am training to be a counsellor at the moment and there is definitely room for drug and alcohol counsellors but you would have to be clean.
My cousin matthew is training to be a mental health nurse, he loves that and hes not the brightest spark, not implying that you are not bright, more that if he can do it, you can.
Shame on ya for calling Ruth a Pensioner, lol.

Anonymous said...

Hello~

First time I've read your postings/musings and trying terrifically hard not to be offended by your casual remark that since you are not "bright" enough to be a doctor, you could be a nurse. As a nurse, I assure you that although we do not go through the *formalized* postgraduate education, we are by far as a lot, not stupid. Please do not sell us or yourself short by implying that although perhaps you could not make it through the rigorous academia needed to become a physician, that nurses are any less intelligent. I myself choose nursing as a profession, not because I wasn't smart enough to go to medical school (4.0 gpa, valedictorian of college class, major in biochem) but because I wanted to practice the art/profession of nursing and healthcare. The model of nursing is very different from the traditional medical model of practicing medicine.
Stepping off my soapbox.

Tamra

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood