HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

In Pain

(OK, OK: but hardly dying.) My right leg has a red traffic light on the back of it. It is going purple with what looks like yellowy dots springing out when you really squeeze it. When you kneed it, fingermarks stay in the skin. And there's a beautiful (but that is hardly the word) bit of pus under there. I am meant to make an appointment to see my doctor but that is unlikely to happen unless it gets worse. It is only an abscess. On a scale of 1-4 (4 being biggest) it is a 2. And it doesn't hurt like it used to because the pus has kind of eaten out the bit that was in pain. Man I love medical stuff. Remember I said I even wanted to be a doctor/nurse once? It would have to be nurse as I'm too thick to be a doctor. I do not have a scientific mind. I'm weighing up different offers to burst this thing but to be honest I think I am going to leave it be and put this magnesium stuff on it that is meant to do the same as bread and hot water (the Victorian remedy). Well I'm off now I feel dead tired and it is 1am. But I've been sleeping all evening like an OAP. At least it's got warmer than it was last week. Frigid air was blowing up from Siberia across the arctic, down past Scandinavia to here. How unpleasant. It was absolutely freezing cold. Now it is quite hot. Like a volcano of sepsis, this globally warmed planet is on a countdown to meltdown. I wonder how long this Earth of ours has left before it utterly blows up??

7 comments:

Wayward Son said...

Go to the doctor. Be certain it is not MSRA if you do not already know. This is something rampantly expanding in our community here that previously was pretty much limited to hospitals and locker rooms (go figure) Check out this short article in our local paper. (It is not as long as the URL!)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/12/13/MNG5PMNBNT1.DTL

I just recently had an abscess and was a little worried it might have been this. It was not. None-the-less, I thought I would be done with this kind of thing after quitting but guess what? I' wasn't. No worries. Quitting is still worth it.

I know you are very knowledgeable and can take care of yourself in the ways that only we addicts can. But how else can I make your health issue all about me if you don't get a diagnosis? LOL

Just be sure. Okay?

WS

Wayward Son said...

BTW—I almost forgot. Happy Birthday you goof! (goof is an affectionate term here so if it means something different in the UK please take it as it is meant. I have a knack for insulting people from out of town!)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Happy Birthday??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Go do what wayward son suggests. Glad it is getting warmer.

RUTH said...

Get to the docs and get yourself sorted Gleds! As for the Earth blowing up; I think man will do it long before nature does.

Anonymous said...

wayward son is right. Go to the doctor.

Gledwood said...

As for MRSA/C-dif I'm pretty sure it is NOT, though most abscesses are the SA (stafyloccoccus aureus and I know I can't spell it) of MRSA. I've seen MRSA on television; it is disgusting, absolutely enormous. Actually (here anyway) I'd be more likely to catch that IN hospital than outside, especially my local one which has a really bad rep.

Wayward Son said...

Touché.

Go to the doctor anyway. BTW, I almost made it through without fainting your description of a treating abscesses in your subsequent post—almost.

It's not the gore but the perception of pain. I am in deed a wuss where that is concerned.

I will checking back regularly for news of your imminent return to health. You can be sure of it.

WS

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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