HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Reality Check

YOU CAN ALL HATE ME NOW because I've used. I used heroin. I used it last night after I had posted. I was not feeling any good anyhow and now I'm weary of life.

I say that in response to a comment does it feel good or just plain bad?... Honestly..? It felt terrible. Early on yesterday afternoon my mind turned to schemes for robbilng the supermarket of smoked salmon, alcohol, Mach 3 razors and the other shoplifters' staples so frequently removed from my local "emporium" security have taken to sitting at a "workstation" as you enter, consisting of a bank of CCTV-screens across which they supposedly track "dodgy customers"... Oh I cannot be bothered. I was in the frame of mind where you just go kamikaze/suicidal/lose all self respect/however you wish to phrase it... And I really don't know what else to say because I'm so tired. And I wish to go in said shop to get all the stuff I'd run out of by yesterday evening. And to be able to shop respectably... And not be banned from my own local one... Man what a miserable day it was. Yurks yurks YUUUUUURKS!!!

14 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I don't hate you Gleds, but I won't pretend I'm not disappointed - for you. x

Gledwood said...

that's ok... not ok... well you know what i mean

do you know what i think our messages literally just crossed just now when i left one at yours

Puss-in-Boots said...

I couldn't hate you, Gleds. You're human, with frailties, like all of us.

Is it the Christmas blues that's brought all of this on, do you think? I've read somewhere that the highest number of suicides occur at Christmas and it seems to fit in with the way you're feeling.

I'm glad you have the outlet of your blog, at least you're not totally alone...even if we're just cyberspace friends...I think I can speak for all when I say that we're here for you.

Sweeti said...

Today is another day to try again...Choose to stop just as you choose to use.
I battled a 20 year nicotine addiction and stopped and started many times until I worded my choice in my mind differently.
Instead of quitting, I chose to stop. It was the empowerment I needed in the somewhat seemingly powerless struggle I was facing. I used a patch and gave it my all, through the weird nightmares and even weight gain I decided it was worth it. I'm now going on my 6th year smoke free. I will not lie, it was hour by hour at first, then day by day, now, I know I'd never pick up another cigarette again.

I prayed for help also, It was a shot in the dark for me. I am a true believer, All the drama of stopping washed away with ease, I was so surprised that it really has changed my life and the way I think. You can do this.

Jeannie said...

I'm in no position to get judgemental on your ass. All you can do is your best. We all just want to feel good after all. The quick fix just doesn't deliver what it promises and you end up feeling worse. Keep trying.

molson said...

Hey Gledwood. Don't get too down on yourself. It's not good for the psyche. One lost battle doesn't lose the war.

Vincent said...

Hey man, four (or five?) days is better than nothing. I'm glad you didn't steal anything.

I say maybe try again when you're up for it.

Good luck.

Baino said...

Hey,you managed four days this week. Next week make it six, the next make it 8. Baby steps. But you can't do it alone . .use whatever support network you have . .I mean it. I wish you wouldn't blow your food money on smack, at least leave enough to keep yourself sustained nutritionally. Don't hate you . . just what it does to you.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Gleds, I echo Puss-in-Boots and Baino's comments. Please try again but do it in baby steps, improving each time.

Also it would be great if you did not have to do it alone. I know if I am trying to change myself through self discipline, I have found it helpful to have a mate going through it together so that we are an encouragement to each other and also accountable to each other. I think it helps.

Gattina said...

I don't hate you at all ! I am so sorry for you !! You continue to dig your own grave ...

Crushed said...

Don't beat yourself up over it!

It's not easy, we all know that.

Gledwood said...

thanks everyone... i don't know what else to say but

;->...

Anonymous said...

We are certainly here to judge you, don´t worry. I just hope the best for you...

Gledwood said...

... cheers!... 和你說中文!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood