HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I AM NEVER BUYING VALUE FISH FINGERS AGAIN. I don't know what's in the tasteless white sludge dribbling the soggy batter-scabs that pass as "finger" coating on "Iceland 35 fish fingers. 875g. £2." Octopus suckers, squids' tentacles, lobsters' eye-stalks, mixed mashed fins and generalized factory drain-scrapings would be a first guess.

Never again shall I brave the rigours of "value" comestibles. Though Iceland's fishcakes, £1 for 10, which are 50% mashed potatoes (like my brains!!) go rather nicely with fried rice. As, believe it or not, do Birdseye cod fillet "Omega 6" fingers. Yes: fish fingers and rice. Very Chinese, in a "what the supermarket shoppers of Yunnan Province actually tuck into at home" type way.

Now to my wider "diet" ~ the acetylated extracts of poppies grown in the high valleys of Afghanistan. No more no more no more! If I wrote down every wobble of resolve you'd get travel-sick just reading. Ditching heroin ain't easy. Addiction means can't stop. To speak of using as a "choice" is fundamentally to misunderstand that addiction is where you end up once decision-making has gone out the window. In addiction, drug-use is automatic. Not using: that is now the choice. Easy to make; hard to live by, but a true choice nonetheless. Being on methadone at least makes that choice a viable option I've long had yet somehow never could quite grasp hold of...

So here's my plan. Not a solid plan, but something still resolving, still in formulation, but it goes something like this: I will stop taking heroin again. I will take advantage of being so unexpectedly happy (see yesterday) I suspiciously tried to dig out a "psychiatric" cause. I will go to this dual diagnosis thing I missed last week because nobody wrote it down. I will see whether the persistently tricky low ebb I spend so much time at can be treated. I am, after all, doing my bit by not drinking to excess and abstaining totally from cocaine and crack ~ both of which, I am told, fuel low moods and scupper antidepressants.

My sanity has taken some knocks at times. It feels so good to have it back.

Today I bought a Nokia charger and USB cable for uploading Itchy, Bashful and Spherical Trottester's magnificence to the worldwide web! How exciting!! Who knows we might have Baby Itchy Roborovski starring on Youtube before the day is out!

I hope I haven't bored you too badly...

9 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Good Morning Gledwood! How exciting! We might finally meet your little creatures! Today is obviously going to be a good one, considering how many exclamation marks are being used in this comment!

Gledwood said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Syd said...

It sounds good. I hope that you can not use also. And get your sanity back.

Noah said...

"acetylated extracts of poppies grown in the high valleys of Afghanistan" - I think this is exactly what I purchased over the weekend. A brown-beige clumpy powder that is very good indeed.

Jeannie said...

Can't wait to meet your little friends. Sounds like you are making progress.

molson said...

Soon I'll be eating out of a garbage can so the soggy fish potato thingys aren't looking so bad.

Gledwood said...

Syd: thank you!

Noah: if it was Afghan brown you'd have needed to add citric or (pure) vit c... unless it was pre-acidified in which case the resulting hit juice would have a lemony taste. Also "#3" never smells of vinegar, that's how you tell...

Jeannie: they're on Youtube as we speak!

Molson: ooowwhhh! just keep some self respect and avoid the worst, that's my advice. also if you shop carefully (and it does take experience) you can find cheap stuff that's not so bad... or even quite good! Be lucky my friend...

kellylebelly said...

Re: your little friends on youtube. How do we link to them?

Well done on your decision. I have not done so well. My pal begged to borrow money for fares then 10 minutes later stormed back into my flat and said 'I'm sorry I've got to get something', took my mobile and called a dealer. Knowing he was doing it I suddenly wanted some (i get jealous), otherwise I was quite happy doing other stuff - out of sight out of mind. Got my clinic appointment this friday so will have to fess up yet again. I really thought I'd make it this time and proudly hand over a clean sample. Always feel guilty when I have to admit I've used especially when I was happy not to.
Keep up the good vibe.
xK

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

You're never boring, Gleds and it's nice to read you are feeling more positive.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood