HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 16, 2009

I WOKE UP FEELING NASTY IN THE NIGHT... I had heroin there so it wasn't a "no drugs sulk"... what I didn't have was alcohol, food, tea even and this did throw me in a tizzy. Yes of immature "I want I want I can't handle waiting five entire hours till the state pays me..." ilk. But also real suicidally-laced depression where I wonder how long I will last. If I do ever die, I know it will be 100% at my own hand. Otherwise I will be rescued and fly to heaven...

I did write out a post in those mournful early hours but it was so confused. Every time I ran my fingers through my hair they crackled like electricity. My head was deepsea diving in subconscious zones I'd rather not see. I felt stoned on cannabis/hashish/puff/grass/weed/whatever you like to call it~ but I hate it. But I had not smoked.

This is a consequence of breaking the mind. Rubbish continually flows into the cracks and fissures formed... Not nice.

My life is out of control and I am living it. I repeatedly have the experience of linking now to 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 years back and I'm aghast: HOW DID I GET HERE??!?

Ultravox: Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
I wanted to post something "nuclear" for a while. The premise of this vid is actually bunkum for there was nuclear meltdown at Tschernobyl and no vast explosion. So more accurately this would be about nuclear WAR~ which is coming

21 comments:

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Hey man,
Sorry that you are having a rough time. I don't know if this will help but I have given you an award. Hope it brings some cheer.

Anonymous said...

thank you I'm trekking over chez vous now...

Anonymous said...

I hope things get better soon.

Syd said...

I don't know but it seems that getting clean might help. The roller coaster ride that you're on can't be good for the head. Take care.

Gledwood said...

Citizen: thank you~ I feel like the hoops in a Henry Moore~haha!

Syd: see it's a joyride with a 3yr old whimsmeister at the controls of my life and that's consequences to me: living out aftermath of a 3yr old's whims...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gleds, sorry you're feeling so low. Cyber-cuddles from Simi and me xx

Gledwood said...

thankyou I am trying to be OK I don't know why it always goes to my head like this. sore throats don't send ordinary people on melmothian mental wanderings ~ yet they do me! better luck tomorrow mehopes! ;->...

Lucinda said...

Yeah, I have similar feelings towards weed. I don't know why I smoke it, I guess its just there and its always free for me.

I hope you get into a better mood soon.
= )

Gattina said...

It's not so important to know how you did get there because what is done is done. Now you have to think about how you can get OUT of there ! and that certainly is not an easy task.
If you can think about spring is coming and the parcs in London will be beautiful even without drugs !

Gledwood said...

Lucinda: I only ever got into it to get to more "interesting" substances... then I took it as a compromise that wasn't going to fry brains (or be expensive) as what I really wanted namely ecstasy, mushrooms type drugs (back in the day)

Gattina: beautiful even without drugs~ something I got into forgetting even on the most wondrously summerfilled afternoons...

Ruth said...

Hi, Gledwood. Thanks for the comment about Revolutionary Road over at huffing. I wonder how you found me.

'Course I was surprised to come here and see what you are about. It isn't every day you find someone so open and honest about something our culture degrades. So thank you for that honesty. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd have the courage to put it out there, and to hear people try to straighten me out. I think we all have a lot to learn about each other. So I appreciate this very much. But, even though I don't know you, I wish for your health.

Gledwood said...

Thank you. I found you hopping via a friend of a friend's blog then outwards one or two.
I suppose what I wanted to do here was make a statement hardly any other addict seems to feel able to make, either because they are so swept up in the thrall of their addiction or spend all their energy on the effort to keep it going, or they simply lack the desire or in some cases the basic powers of literacy to keep a blog like this going.
Thanks for the wishes. I'm currently recovering from a very common cold that seems to have knocked me sideways
;->...

Ruth said...

Good. I hope you'll keep taking the days as they come and talking about it too.

Pesky cold virus, eh? I'm afraid it's colds and flus and bacteria that will do us in in the end.

Gledwood said...

Thanks you are right. I spose it's the bugs that finally break us down post-mortem...(!)

note to self: http://celticspirit-domesticgoddess.blogspot.com/
(where I got to on my epic cross-bloggiverse voyage...)

Storm Before the Calm said...

I can relate to the insane feeling that you are high - when you are sure you aren't. Sometimes i think my nerve endings are so used to it that they just get this kind of memory and sometimes they just think they feel high. I'll rub my face, squish the skin of face between both hands, trying to get a grip on the moment, but it doesn't always come.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what on earth it is. Not flashbacks in the standard sense I am sure. I am certain when I feel it "something" is happening ~ something that could be scanned, or would show up on a biochemical mapping machine thing... (if only we had them...)

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Wow! I've only had a brief peek around but it is a different world in here!

Janice Seagraves said...

Are you sure it isn't winter doldrums getting you down?

Bimbimbie said...

Sundays and Mondays are out for you better got straight to Tuesdays ...

Ultravox ... good choice for memory lane wandering*!*

Liz Hinds said...

Oh gleds, I wish I had something wise to say but I don't. Just take care and lots of us out here care about you.

Gledwood said...

Newberry: aye you can say that again. I forget that for other people it is, you see I'm just too used to being me ;->...

Janice: probaby is the time of year, you're right

Bimbimbie: aye! do you like my new banana-flavour blog??

Liz: thanks Liz. But at least my blog tastes of bananas now! (rather than just GOING bananas~ harhar...)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood