HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Am Alive

I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK I DIDN'T EXIST ANY MORE. That's what Blogger seemed to think, and they were making me think it too. Without my blog I am nothing. I exist to no-one. Family and friends sparkle in bubbles of their own, but won't follow me to the big wide world. They don't want to.

What I mean is, I intend to emerge with a massive public splash ~ and I know they don't want to be part of that. That was my biggest reservation as author of this potential "misery memoir" of mine (the story of my life on drugs). There were too many people I wanted to protect. Not because they'd done anything wrong; because I do not see why my captivatingly woven tales (as I hoped they'd be!) should throw an unwanted spotlight on those who unwittingly crossed paths with me. We don't all want the Warholian fifteen minutes (or more) of fame ...

Now I sense my life's at a crossroads or a turning-point. Strange my blog should be threatened with nonexistence at such a time.

Wondering what to write, where to go, what to do. How. How to do it. Whatever "it" shall transpire to be...

I have too many projects, not enough time.

And far too much time wasted.

They say "what will be will be"... but there's nothing so fatalistic about my life's course: What will become of me is down to me. That's what frightens me the most. Me watching Me who plays "Me" ~ none of whom know how to take Responsibility. If my inner child holds the keys to destiny, then I'm terrified ~ for this Inner Child is the screaming unsatiated febrile baby of addiction, who diverted my life's course down the dead-ends of its whims, who recklessly joyrides my life, while I cower in the passenger seat wondering why we never flew off a cliff-edge years ago...

Yes, it's time to take control. But how on earth I'm supposed to do that, I've no idea...

8 comments:

Crushed said...

Gleds, you can get round it.

Just clone your blog now.

It's what I did, just imported it all over to a new blogger blog. It will let you do that.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I don't get why blogger is being such a pain. Hope they finally acknowlegde that you do indeed exist (unless of course you don't).

Gledwood said...

CRUSHED: how do I do that? Does it involve importing the blog's contents to a new address? Or copying the blog? How do I do that?

REENY: I'm beginning to think maybe I don't (again)...

Akelamalu said...

Oooer I really hope you don't lose your blog. :(

Baino said...

It's rather sad that you ARE your blog Gleds, I think you're much more than that. You can replicate it or if you go to Wordpress, it will import all your existing posts and pics but it takes a long time. I THINK you can only copy your blogger blog through third party software but I'm not sure about that.
Why not post your email and come a little further into the 'real' world.

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: actually the notice has gone down the type in a security word thing they'd put so I had to verify I was human each time I posted has gone... which I'm hoping is a good sign...

BAINO: maybe I was being overdramatic, but I realized what a big part of my life it is and how a lot of people only know me through this blog and comments I've left at theirs...

I'm really bad at replying to emails but you can contact me at
hammynutter@lycos.com !!

Anonymous said...

Hi Gleds

You should amend your email address display in your last comment to something like "hammynutterATlycosDOTcom" to reduce the risk of getting loads of spam.

kellylebelly said...

Hey,
How's the writing going?
What are you working on? A novel? Short stories?

You're not alone btw, I'm struggling with both clinical depression and b addiction and get meds for both. I go on and off the wagon and finding it hard to commit right now whilst feeling in limbo about a lot of things. I was diagnosed with depression long before I got addicted to b so I can't really blame the addiction for that.

keep writing, I can't imagine that's easy either... do you end up with a bin full of screwed up paper? I'm not a writer, I'm a graphic designer and I have loads of off days when it's not working and suddenly, out of the blue, the problem is solved in my head - love that 'eureka' moment. It's a high of its own.
xK

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood