HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Dogs

WHAT was all this crap I banged in yesterday about "doggie fun"... what was I on? Nothing? What was wrong with me. Everything, probably. Well I'm not deleting it even though it was stupid.

I don't know whether I wanna get a dog or not. I do. But I don't as well.

I suppose I wanna learn how to take care of myself first (wah-waaah!!)

I am scared of getting hammies as the gap under my door is so huge they could easily just ping under it and be out in the hallway in 2 seconds flat. Then the people downstairs would jump out of their skin the minute they saw a round roborovski furball scurrying across their carpets in the dead of night.

When Itchy escaped, on the frequent occasions that she did, she usually laid low for at least 48 hours ~ in that time I did not see or hear hide nor hair of her, so as far as I knew she could be dead or out on the street or anywhere. Then, when it was really quiet I would suddenly see this tiny tubby cartoon mouse like thing that looked more like Tweety-pie scuttling across the floor. Any movement from me and she was GONE.

We had wild mice in the house at the same time in one address, and I can vouch that a domesticated escaped roborovski is considerably FASTER than a wild housemouse. The swines!

Anyway when it comes to dogs, these are the types I like.

1. Really fuzzy furry ones, like Spanish water dogs:



2. Old English sheepdogs:



3. Fuzzy terriers. But these aren't a breed, so you cannot reliably seek out and find one, not without endless poring over pictures of internet puppies, wondering what they might grow up into:



4. Wire fox terriers. It's the fluff-round-the-nose thing...



Japanese dogs. There are six original dog breeds from Japan. Their genetics have been traced back as far as 3000BC. All of these breeds have the same wolf-like appearance and distinctive curly tail. The two most popular in the West are the tiny Shiba inu 柴犬 (inu just means doggie).





And the Akita inu I keep going on about.
The appeal of these is that if I'm going to have a dog I want one that's cute and tough in equal measure. This is important today as the parks are full of yobbos with Staffordshire bull terriers (yesterday's fashion) and Rottweilers (today's fashion).
I would go for a female dog anyway. Hopefully then the snarlers in the park would treat her like a lady instead of savaging her. Also if I can find another Akita at the right time of year... free puppies, wahey!!

Note the similarity of features with the shiba, but huge disparity in size:





These are Shikoku dogs:



A Kai inu:

6 comments:

Syd said...

What about a Norwegian Elkhound? They have wonderful temperaments.

Also in the Terrier group, the Norwich is my favorite although the Border Terrier is also a great dog.

Check out the AKC web site where all the breeds are listed, along with information about each. The English Kennel Club may have similar information on their site.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

There are some great photos here, Gledds. I think you should do what you want. Life is short. If you want a dog, then get one.

You are loved,

SB

molson said...

Ahhh. Bang on about anything you want Gledwood. Doggies or whatever and just ignore my buzz killing ways. I think the Shiba is my favorite Inu. Foxy terriers are a great fur ball of fun too.

Vincent said...

Dogs are fantastic companions. They do require a bit of attention though since they are pack animals.

I love how the japanese ones look. I'm a fan of Rottweilers though coz Nicole used to have one. He was beautiful :-)

AnnaGrace said...

Hey there Glen,

I have a dog, but being an addict I've had to give her to my parents many times when I could not take care of her. She is a Yorki Poodle and is only five pounds, I don't know what that is in Kilograms in eroupean math. Anyway Eleanor(my dog) was so attached to me for the frist two years I had her, she was afraid of everyone except for me and my ex. One time when me and my ex went skiing we left Elle with my parents, and she was tramautized. She had never been alone, or with other people in a diffrent house that we weren't in with her. She clung to me litterlly. It broke my heart.

Then I as my tolerance increased, I lost my job, got evicted. My ex broke up with me after I stole 600 dollars from him for Heroin. I was homeless. I couldn't leave the state to move in with my paretns because I was out on a 2,500 Dollar signature bond. So me and Elle were homeless living out of our car. I didn't have much money so I was stealing and conning, and whoring, all the while Elle came along with me. Finally when my habit took that turn when I used the money for Elle's dog food and used to buy a hit I knew I had to have my parents take and give her some stability.

I swear to you, it was like giving my own child over to Child Protective services. I had choosen a drug over Elle whom I loved more than myself, but obviously not more than the high.

Eventually I got my court shit taken care of, and I moved up to the state my parents lived and back in with Eleanor. She greeted me with love, but there was a marked diffrence in her attachment to me. She no longer followed me around no matter where I was going. She slept with my parents, and was freinds with my parents two part black labs, and the two cats my parents had. I wasn't the center of her world. I was devestated, but in a way I understood I did what was best for her.

Then I moved to Hawaii with my mom after my parents split up, and getting a dog into Hawaii takes alot of rigamaroll aka bullshit blood tests, and a quarintine for four months. Which if I brought her to Hawaii with me right away she would have to do that quarintine in a small kennel. No way I was putting her there for a four month jail sentence just make sure she diden't have rabbies.(Hawaii is a Rabbies free island)If I left her with my dad for those 120 days she would be able to live with my dad in there log cabin on the lake. So I left her yet again. Broke her heart, and mine again as we were getting really close again and she was now sleeping with me everynight.
My parents split up for one year and a half. I lived in Hawaii for the first time for six months. Then I flew back to Wisconsin because I was not going to the Methadone clinic, and was using H again, along with a new benzo habbit.

This is getting a little long so I'm going to cut to the chase. I've put Eleanor my love thru hell with all my selfish behaviors. My parents got back together and Eleanor was attached to my dad now because me and my mother left her for six months. When my mom moved back we moved back to Wisconsin and I got back on Methadone and did real good, stopped all benzos, didn't touch any other opieats. Just the opioid Methadone I was prescribed. I gained Elle trust back, I didn't leave her again for three years. Myself, and my parents along with Eleanor moved back to Hawaii for a year. We did the quarintine at home before we left.

Then we moved back to Wisconsin because my parents weren't happy in Hawaii. It reminded my dad of my mom cheating on him while she lived there without him. So all three of us plus Elle go back to Wisco.

Gledwood said...

:-)

bloody hell Anna G that is quite some life story, I think you should carry on with that book of yours...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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