HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Salad Anniversary

IN THIS future (I was talking of yesterday) I finally want to see Japan... then all those hours doodling mysterious characters shall finally pay off.

My Cambridge Encylopedia of Japan, picked up for £2 in a library sale, covers just about everything Japanese. Each section was written by an expert in the field ~ society ~ economy ~ politics ~ arts ~ geography and so on. The history section tells of fascinating encounters with Dutchmen in the 1600s and there are some beautiful landscape photos of Japan's mountainous interior.

The flora and fauna section even gives an oblique mention to Akita and Shiba doggies:

many family dogs are of a breed which has the dense coat and face of a husky...

the furry swines!

The literature section quotes excerpts from a 1987 haiku sequence by 26-year-old schoolteacher Tawara Machi 俵万智 entitled Salad Anniversary. The book was a roaring success, selling 2.6 million in the first five years:

"Call me again" "Wait for me"
Your love is always spoken
in commands

Glancing up at the falling rain
Suddenly I want
your lips

Escape from a shower into a street stall
and drink a glass of cheap saké ~
fun to be alive

The woman at the stall
calls me your wife ~
and so, for a while, I am

The encyclopedia is edited by Richard Bowring, Professor of Japanese at Cambridge, the man who replied to my email asking for titles of the best language textbooks. I was well flattered that a man of such accomplishments should bother with a nobody like me.

The only work of Japanese literature I've read from cover to cover is The Narrow Road to the Deep North (1702) by Matsuo Bashō 松尾 芭蕉. It is a travel diary illustrated with haiku, which are, in a sense, poetic snapshots.

It's a very Japanese thing to capture the essence of a moment. That's what that scruffy-looking calligraphy in the "grass style" is all about.

When I go to Japan I wnat to take the narrow road to the deep north like Bashō, and see what's there these days.

To the north of Honshu, the main Japanese island, is the hilly land of HOkkaido, which wasn'tpropely colonized by the Japanese until the late 1800s. The cultivated land has European-stylefields rather than tiered rice paddies like the rest of Japan. The island is known for its special Hokkaido inus. These doggies are a mid-size compromise between the giant Akita-inu and the tiny shiba-inu, which means "brushwood doggie".

Sapporo, the capital of Hokkaido island is famous for its extensive underground shopping precincts, built to shelter the Japanese northerners from the Siberian-style snows of midwinter when the tiny shiba-inus have to wear little bumblebee wing-holder-style doggiecoats, despite their bushy fur, so as not to freeze into canine cobwebs.

Talking of furrydoggies, did y'all like my Hachi story? When I first read the story and saw the faithful furry and the kindly professor saying goodbye, and saw how the faithfull furry devotedly waited at the busy railway station hoping against hope for his friend's eventual return, all set to music, I was nearly moved to tears...

Anyway time's nearly up, I gotta go.


Link: Narrow Road to the Deep North ~ full online text


Reeny's Ramblin' said...

My friends have two Akitas, massive beasts they are!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Great post, Gleds and it's great to have a dream. You can get there! But you're not a nobody - you're you! The bit at the end had me crying all over again....

Gledwood said...

I don't know that I have room really for an Akita. If it was up to me I would keep one, but no pets are allowed in my place and they would really complain about a big dog.

The story of Hachi makes me feel very sad, how the dog refused to give up hope and kept on and on waiting, out in the cold. Today there is even a special Hachiko entrance to Shibuya station in memorial... and a bronze statue in the park commemorating the furry's faithfulness....

Liz said...

I don't usually like haiku but those are good. (Even if they are a translation!)

Gledwood said...

The best haiku are amazing... but I'm with you in general. "Haiku" can be excuse for the most execrable non-poetry in thankfully brief format ~ ho-h0-hoe!!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood