HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Free Puppy Offer!


I GOT OFFERED A FREE PUPPYDOG YESTERDAY!!
I'm not sure the "act" has actually taken place yet, but when it does, the father will be a pitbull-mastiff cross and the mother a perky staffordshire bull terrier~...!!
I am saying nothing!!!!
The male dog I know well. He is enormous. When they got him, his owners thought he was a rottweiler. I thought "well I got their temperament all wrong" (quiet, standoffish, dignified) ~ this one is really cheery with most people and really aggressive with other male dogs. He barks loudly when tied up, has huge zest for life and never goes unnoticed wherever he is. He looks like a rottweiler on steroids or a rottweiler-brown bear cross ~ with his gigantic head...
... which of course belongs to a mastiff.
I was very flattered at the offer, but not to be nasty: Pitbulls, Mastiffs and Staffs are probably the three breeds I would LEAST likely go for. About HALF the dogs you walk past on the streets in some areas of London seem to be of these types. Their owners usually seem to want to look "hard" ~ and yet many times the dog is walking them. Which pretty much says everything.
In the library today I found a book called Your Akita. Now Akitas ARE the sort of big doggies I like because 1. they are beautiful with bushy fur and 2. I like their nature which is quiet and reserved ~ but not at all timid. They have the most magnificent bearing. But enough about doggies for one day I have to go as I'm about to be TERMINATED yet again..!
SOBER TODAY!! HAHA!! :-)

5 comments:

Liz said...

I agree that it's usually the owners who are the problem. If only because they're not in control.

Nah, you want a jolly big retriever. You can have George if you want ...

Syd said...

Good for you with your love for animals and your sobriety. Do they have rescue groups nearby? I do think that a dog companion would be great for you.

Vincent said...

A dog is a wonderful and very faithful companion. You have to make them know who is in control though.

Have you read up on how to be a good master?

An Akita is beautiful but rather hairy I think. Staffies etc are nice but a bit jumpy and sometimes unpredictable I think.

In Oz, Nic's sister had a staffie-Shepherd cross, lovely dog but easily gets hyperactive.

I trust you read up before getting a dog.

Getting one from the pound like Syd said is always a good idea.

I'm looking forward seeing your pick :-)

Gledwood said...

Done nothing yet except browse a few books and websites.
I think an Akita would be too big ~ great shame...
Also I worked out it would probably need four or even FIVE times the food of a Norfolk/Norwich/Border/Cairn type terrier!!

OK Liz, when can I come and collect George. I've got lots of BUTTER to feed him ~ haha!!

Anonymous said...

Don't agree with previous comment, I have 2 Akitas and it costs me just over £2 a day to feed them, that's the total for both. My male is over 10 stone and the female just under 8 stone. Damn lazy indoors and I'm in a 2 bed 1st floor flat, give them 2 good walks a day and are in perfect health. checkout awarrior on facebook for photos of mine

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood