HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Sweet Chili Chicken Pizza

I HAVE TWO LOVELY Morrisons own sweet chili chicken pizzas defrosting in my bag as I speak...

AS y'all probably know I do adore Chinese food...
with the EXCEPTION of yukky sweet and sour (I mean, how can anyone like THAT?) ~ also pancake rolls I'm not into at all. I.e. the two most popularly ordered things on the British-Chinese menu. Nasty business, all of it.

Anyway so I tried these pizzas from Iceland. Really nice. Now I got Morrisons own. 2 for £2.50. Good value for Britain. Yeah I bet you can get the same for $2.50 in the great US or A but Britain is crap.

I don't know what I was going to say... except, well I'm trying to get a handle on this detoxy-clean thing.

I have heroin in a drawer at home. So I'm trying to avoid going there at the mo. It's 10:28pm, so I cannot avoid much longer. The pizza will go in. Food+heroin= a really good combination so I will reinforce the addiction all over. Somehow heroin x10-ifies the savour of all good eats. I don't know why. When my addiction was at its peak I remember banging up in front of the fridge, then tearing open cold roast chicken legs like a druggie Conan the Barbarian. Oh what a glamorous life I led!

What really puzzles me the most re the depression I complain about so constantly is how I manage to be in the addictional sitation I'm in and sporadically NOT feel like death. That is the real quizzation of the moment.

Then the despair comes flooding back and I'm back at home, wallowing like a swine in the sewer... My life must be mopped up first, like spilled up petroleum... THEN this misery will have no fuel left to feed on... that make sense?

Thanks for all the comments everyone. Thank you Molson. I don't know whether I want an American Akita now or a Japanese Shiba or a Norwegian Elkhound. They all look furry and wolfy and cute.

But shibas are really tiny and roborovskilike and yappy!!



Oh no, even more doggie selection. I see y'all realize the type of hound I like now. I.e. a wild wolf that's furry and tamed. I DID read all the comments yesterday and the day before, thank you everyone. I'm no good at replying when constantly about to be timed out, which is happening all the time in these nasty internet shops that won't even sell a 2-hour account, let alone 10 hrs for £5, which is the going rate. Really for £5 you should get 15... Anyway...

The Norwegian Elkhound, thank you Syd. As a puppy:



Fully grown. If I'm going to be fussy, these encompass the colours I like most, namely pure white or brindly-grey:

6 comments:

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hey! I adore "yukky sweet and sour."

The best dogs I have ever had were muts--no identifable breeds.

I just pulled out of a rather deep depression, the kind that results in feeling exhausted and uninspired without having any really negative thoughts. I pray that I stay out of it for a while...maybe forever.

Baino said...

Empty the drawer! Seriously Gleds! Sorry rushing today but just wanted to drop by and say G'day and keep your chin up and eat your veg! And stay off the smack, add some flavour!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gledds,
Wish I lived close to you so we could just get together and hang out. I get depressed sometimes, too, and I tend to self-medicate with wine. I can relate to your feelings.

My pets really do help me to feel less depressed. Caring for them also gives me a purpose.

I really care about you, so hang in there.

You are loved,

SB

wsxwhx700 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Syd said...

Gleds, just take the H and dump it out. Get rid of it. I hope that you will do that. Everything will taste and seem better when you see it for real and not in a druggy haze.

Those elkhounds are cute!

Gledwood said...

:-)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood