HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Porkshire Sunday

I SAW an American Akita, really cute, who looks like he's got shades on, such is his face pattern. He walks down the road two streets away. The owner caught me staring. "But his tail isn't curly!" I remarked.

"Ooh aye!" she replied. I think she comes from Yorkshire.

Talking of Porkshire terrorizers ~ there's a Japanese girl on my street who walks one that looks just like Baby Itchy Roborovski when fur-bashed, soaking wet and compulsorily groomed by Bashful and Spherical. Very sweet.

And talking of Japanese, I'm doing really well with it. Studying every day. I know 200 kanji now and have a vocabulary of about 600 words. I'm aiming at 7000-word fluency within the next two years...

I'm still in a quandry about dogs. There's no room at my place for an Akita, much as I'd love one ~ and I really love them. (Who would ever guess~~!!?!) I found a mop terrier called Scruffy at a North London animal shelter, but I he is reserved and I think I would have to get a puppy anyhow, to train it to do tricks, including smuggling itself in a bag into supermarkets etc (and when my landlord comes round and I mysteriously have to leave every time). We're not really meant to keep pets, though I didn't sign anything. The guy downstairs has a staffordshire bull terrier, but he has access to the back garden... well I'm still working on it...

... and I have to go, I'm about to be timed out as per usual. Hope y'all are having a CHEERY WEEKEND!!

Back tomorrow...


Liz said...

Where do you find all these varieties? There must be lots of 'posh' dogs in London. We just have the normal ones down here.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Simi says hello to her cousin in the pic! Do get a dog, Gleds. Best idea you've had in ages! I'm impressed by the Japanese project. Love from Sicily. xx woof! from Simi

Baino said...

Aren't terriers a bit yappy? Could be a problem if you're not allowed to keep a dog. You have a good weekend too!

Gledwood said...

Liz: O yeah lots of people are into "breeds" down here, not so much because they're posh but because the Staffie ruled for about ten years. Rottweilers, which are of course bigger, but quieter, are now more in fash. Quiet a few Akitas get walked down my way. I think most are American Akitas, which are bigger and fluffier than the Japanese variety, and tend to have beautiful "mask"-style face markings... I really do want a dog but am in terror of the landlord finding out and trying to evict the dog or me or both... so I need the doggie to be 1. tiny and 2. extraordinarily well behaved and 3. wanted to teach her tricks anyhow ~ wouldn't it be cool to have my pet porkie on TV!!!!

Welshcakes: so is Simi a Porshire cross? I know I asked the question ages ago and probably more than once, but never remembererd the answer of what breed she is. She is extraordinarily beautiful that's for sure...

Baino: Yappy? I know. That's why I never used to like little dogs at all. I want a little one now for practicality as much as anything, and I'm dead serious about (trying at least) to train the little swine to jump in a bag and ride around quietly ~ to avoid having to tie her up at supermarkets. I would be terrified of dogknappers!
I noticed that dogs who do tricks are always obedient and well behaved, so am researching now how to do this training as I want a very well behaved quiet doggie... a porkshire terrorizer or something like that... (ie a hamster on a string...)

Syd said...

A terrier sounds like a great type for you.

Gledwood said...

I hope I will be able to get and keep one... I really hope so. The swine will have to be trained to keep very quiet and let herself be smuggled outside in a bag whenever Evil Landlords come round!!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood