HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 05, 2010

Easter Vulgarity

I HOPE YOU'RE ALL having a great Eggster/Passover/long weekend... whatever it means to you. Here are some cute bunnies for the pagan amongst ya:



And a lopsy-eared chinchilla, for those, like me, who prefer a martian bunny to the earth variety...



A technicolour Easter Chinchilla...



I had a miserable easter with no eggs and no drugs. I was trying to give up but ended up in such pits of misery I only wanted to die and do the world a favour and get it over with as quick as possible. How I hate being alive without drugs. Can't live with them; can't live without 'em. What the hell am I going to do?

I don't WANT to cut my throat, or jump in front of a train, but I haven't the guts to detox. So I'm stuck in this agony of misery ~ toothache of the soul.. and have no idea what steps to take to clamber out of this dreadful morass....

Nobody can help me. Only I can help myself. Yet I can't. I'm too lazy.

So I'm ****ed, aren't I??

Akita 秋田犬 alerts! Akita 秋田 means Autumn 秋 Field 田 or Fallfield 秋田, if you want to be American and succinct about it. I saw a huge dark male one trotting down the street the other day. I wanted to say kon-ban-wa! (good evening) to it, but was too self-conscious. Also it looked 50% really cute and 50% like it wanted to bite me (which is why that breed appeals to me in the first place, a mixture of ultra-furry and scary, haha!...



Then I was watching Ray Mears in South East Asia yesterday and saw a white Akita dog 秋田犬 on a floating Vietnamese boat village in Vietnam. I'm surprised a dog designed to brave the Greenlandic winters of northern Japan could survive in a tropical climate, and it did look a bit scraggly, but I suppose the undercoat moults out in tropical climes... Anyway, Northern Vietnam has quite severe winters, so I spose the poor swine would need his coat for that...



I'm still undecided about what to do about pets. The problem is, roborovski hammies are so very tiny and pingy and are a bugger to get back once they escape (which they do with exceeding ease) and I have a great gap under my door that would NOT be good vis-a-vis getting the tiny swines back...

I was thinking of doing what Mr Downstairs Man did with his Staffordshire Bull Terrier puppy and getting a doggie anyway and waiting facing whatever trouble arises as and when. I really want my Akita 犬 swine and do not see why the local council piggery should stand in the way of doggie happiness. The swines!

6 comments:

Syd said...

Gleds, I hope that you will do the detox. I don't want you to die--that is how I feel and sorry to put a damper on any thoughts of suicide. I see that you enjoy animals and that to me means that you are a good fellow. There is much of life to be enjoyed. But taking the step towards recovery is a courageous one, but one that is filled with a lot of hope.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

They ARE swines. Damn the council straight to hell! Laugh.

If you want a dog, get a damn dog, Gledds. Life is short.

Love you lots, and Syd is right, you are a good fellow.

molson said...

I will offer words of encouragement for you to continue the fight, but are mere words enough?

Are you really sure you want a doggie? Doggies are so much work. It might be more than you want to take on right now. I say go with the pingy trotter donkeys. They will give you much joy and not much cost or effort. If you must have a doggie, an Akita will be way too much doggie. You could consider a Shiba Inu. Looks like a minature Akita. The only problem with Shibas are they are very independent minded so they are not a doggie for someone without a lot of patience.

Remember that doggies need to be walked many times in the day and evening no matter what the weather is. Is this something you are prepared to do when you may have a day where you want to sleep 15 hours? Also remember, doggies need lots of food and lots of vet care. It's not cheap. What would you do if you got a doggie and then found that you couldn't care for it properly? If you had to give up the doggie to a shelter, it would break your heart. Is this something you are prepared to handle?

Wow. I was a right fine buzz kill wasn't I? Sorry for that, but I stand by what I wrote. Best of luck to you no matter what you decide, but I say stick with the trotter donkeys.

Now should you need a doggie fix, just go to the local park where the doggies are allowed to play and adopt one for the day. That's what I do. Most owners are happy to show their doggies off to anyone with an interest. Maybe you could even get a job as a doggie walker. That one maybe a stretch, but I'm just thinking here. Maybe I will stop now because thinking hurts. Ciao.

Akelamalu said...

I do wish you can find the courage and resolve to detox Gleds. x

Baino said...

Gleds don't you have a 'buddy' or mentor you can call when you feel like shit? Doing it alone isn't the way to go. And I agree with Molson, dogs are a huge responsibility. No good if you're feeling horrible and can't be bothered taking them out.

Jeannie said...

I feel for you. I'm not even an alcoholic but would be devastated to have to go without forever. I also know what's it's like to feel hopeless and depressed. You are right - no one else can fix it for you. I hope you can pull yourself up out of the slump. Life is good when you aren't in the pit. You are not hopeless much as you might feel you are.

I think you SHOULD get a pet but get a quiet one so they don't find out.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood