HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, May 10, 2010

google.fr, google.de, google.nl

IF I'M GOING for this uni course in French/German/Dutch translation in Mainz I'm going to have to refresh my rusty French (no study in 18 years) on top of my German. I did study some Dutch when I was enamoured with the idea of moving to Amsterdam and completed half a Linguaphone course, which means in theory I would have had a vocabulary of about 700 words... but THAT was 18 years ago too!

So I decided the thing to do is give up entirely googling anything in English and migrate exclusively to their French, German and Dutch portals. I have just been reading up on blue roses and la situation linquistique en suisse (Switzerland) on French Wikipedia.

Looking back I can see I have been extremely lazy in my attitude. But I also see that my attitude has been nothing unusual for an English-speaker. In many parts of the world it is quite ordinary to have to read books, conduct business and look up information in one's second, third or even fourth languages. I think if I can pick up this attitude, instead of grumbling to myself that this is "like looking at a beautiful view through a dirty window" (which is pretty much what it's like having to read a text in an idiom where not every word is familiar and a few are downright incomprehensible) and remind myself that I'm killing four birds with three stones (or whatever I'm doing: what is the metaphor? I'm killing two birds with one stone three times then.)... If I can do this then maybe I will qualify to get on that course, maybe I'll actually get on it, maybe I'll go and do it and graduate with flying colours and everything will change for the good.

I can but try (!!)

16 comments:

Syd said...

Good for you to try. That is all anyone can do.

Gledwood said...

I'll have to try very hard ~ I'll be up against the crème de la crème of cosmopolitan young Europe all wanting the same thing...

I never realized how linguisticallyl lazy I had been for years until very recently. I think if I can use these languages practically I'll be on the right road..

Jeannie said...

I wish I had studied languages too but over here in Canada, it's next to impossible to use them.

Of course, we had to take some French but I dropped it to take Spanish which turned out not to be available the place we moved to. I took it by correspondence about 20 years ago but never learned to really hear or speak it - only read. And then we have never really used it even in our many visits to Cuba.

Akelamalu said...

Well the best of luck with it Gleds, I wish you well. :)

Gledwood said...

Jeannie:I never really thought of that... no opportunity to use lanuages in Canada... apart from French in Montreal... Don't you get lots of French TV channels then?

You know until Celine Dion came along I never really realized these Quebequois really did think in French and have not that good English... before that I just assumed they were doing it to be pretentious(!)

Akelamalu: merci/danke/dank je!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

No people are worse than the Americans about refusing to learn a foreign language. We are the laziest people on Earth.

Love you, Gledds.

SB

Gledwood said...

Americans re languages ~ laziest on earth; Americans re geography ~ most ignorant... I know... but then again I'm not sure we Brits are v much ahead of ya on either front

having said that I remember being in a tube train and a man stood up and said in French "is this the train for Eichmond?" and 2 other people apart from me (who was too shy and stayed quiet) were able to help him ~ and it really surprised me how many Brits speak French. There are said to be at least 1 million fluent French speakers in the UK (but I'm sure most were BORN in France or Francophone Africa, haha!)

It did surprise me that Brad Pitt, I think it was, or else another film star of his ilk did a role where he played a white South African and he said how the accent was a bit odd and how up until this film he'd never heard it before..! ~ and I thought WHAAAAT!!?! 30/40something movie star in "cosmopolitan" Los Angeles does not know what major minority accent of English sounds like, that really struck me

Maybe it is true that more Americans live like ostritches, head in sand

We are lucky here because we can jump on a plane or even a train and be proper abroad within 2 hours!!

I noticed when I last tuned into AM radio at prime time mid evening the airwaves were full of Dutch and German from across the water

they come across louder and clearer than they used to, since everyone migrated to FM and digital...

thanks for reading to the end of this blabber!!

Gattina said...

Languages are always nice to learn if you can practizise them. My dutch DIL doesn't want to learn French although their child (which is underway) will speak it with my son whose mother tongue is French. I don't know what she has against french, but it's quiet annoying when she sits here and doesn't understand a word and I always have to translate !
Did'nt know that Harrods was sold to the Qatari royal family ! Still can't believe it !

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My pleasure, Gledds. Thanks for the reply.

And, yes, I think the British are far less ignorant than most Americans.

Gledwood said...

Gattina: is your daughter in law from the Netherlands, or are you sayihg she's Flemish-Belgian and into that politics thing where one side refuses to help the other even if soeone was dying on the street speaking the wrong language they would get ignored type of thing... Surely the kid is going to have to pick up French at some time in his life so why not now? With a Dutch-speaking mother it's hardly as if he's going to lose his mother-tongue...
My step-nephews all speak mother tongue Welsh because their mother is a Welsh speaker and speaks to them naturally in her own language. My step-brother is English like me and of course uses English, though he understands Welsh very well, in fact I'm sure by now he's a fluent speaker. But she would never in a million years actually PREVENT her children from learning English... The situation with Welsh in Wales is also very political... in a way it's more acute because if Welsh doesn't get used it really will die out which would be a terrible shame. Unlike Irish in Ireland and Gaelic in Scotland which have about 30,000 native speakers each (though Irish civil servants are obliged to take a GCSE-equivalent level test giving basic command of the language and a vocabulary of about 1500 words...) there are at least 500,000 mother tongue Welsh speakers... I don't know how many have learned it as a 2nd language ... maybe as many as 200,000 more... sorry to digress. Maybe I ought to put up a post on this...

Yes Harrods SOLD! But why so cheap? For a 7-storey shop with one MILLION square feet of commercial space, which ties it with Macy's as largest store in the WORLD... why only £1.5 billion/$2.5 US? I'm no expert on business but that sounds LOW

On the other hand, Harrods makes only about £50 million or so profit a year (not much, surely for a store of its size: that's only £50 per square foot per year) ~ it means the Qatari royals have paid THIRTY YEARS' PROFITS for this shop!!

I suppose the building and several acres plot Harrods stands on must be worth a bomb... but still...

The Sun newspaper said hopefully now someone will rip out the famous Egyptian Escalator Mohammed al Fayed installed in the centre of the shop. it features beautiful incence, amazingly opulent design (probably something like a top Las Vegas casino)... the Sphynxes are said to bear Al Fayed's face on each one. But NO CAN DO: Mr Al Fayed made sure this escalator is a LISTED MONUMENT that can never be altered or destroyed... so his face stays on those Sphynxes for ever!! (Or until London is nuked.)

SB: thought I did used to think of Americans as out-of-touch (which is so ironic as a lot of them seem to think they're THE BUSINESS)... I always reminded myself that just as many Brits are surely the same way... Maybe the difference is that America seems to have an enormous population of rednecks who know nothing of the outside world whereas our equivalent population would be far smaller... Also, as in the Brad Pitt example (perhaps it was Matt Damon: someone like that ~ can't remember...) it seems to be that middle-class liberal intelligensia types also are less well-informed than their British counterparts. But their British counterparts are probably far less well informed than most Europeans!!!

Gledwood said...

....sorry SB I keep typing "though" as "thought". Because I am STUPID

Gledwood said...

PS Gattina: do the Belgian Royal Family speak French or Dutch at home? Or do they make damn sure they keep this a secret??!?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Gledds,
You are anything BUT stupid.

I love the British. I even lived in Wolverhampton, but only for a summer. I felt right at home.

Gledwood said...

No I know I'm not...
Ah! But I do like to play dur on occasion ~ haha! Ya know I don't tell people in the real world of my intellectual proclivities ~ the assistant at the methadone pharmacy was quite perplexed to find me reading a Japanese kanji book "are you learning Japanese?" she asked. "SLOWLY!" I replied. "Very, very SLOWLY..." (Even slower now that I'm diverted on to this Euro-path...

Baino said...

GAH I'm ashamed that I only speak English but just toolazy to try anything else. Even French is evading me at the moment. Sorry, I've been tardy and missed your quiz but back on track now! Cheers :)

Bimbimbie said...

I think unless you are lucky to be naturally gifted with languages you need to live and breathe the new language in situ if possible - I think those school exchange programs are a great idea.
I can only just make myself understood with French; lots of smiling, shrugging, pointing but if I get asked a question ... help*!*

I worked with a young Australian girl who's parents were Italian and she wanted to go over to Italy to visit Grandparents and other relations but because her parents had refused to speak Italian in the home she was having to pay to learn via a language school :(

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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