HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I still want a tiny terrier

I STILL WANT A tiny Norwich or cairn terrier, but I don't know when it's ever going to happen...

I'm trying to get my life in focus
by brushing up these languages to university-entrance standard.

I tell myself that if I don't do it the weeks will fly past anyhow and nothing will be done.

The trick is to use the time wisely and constructively. So I've had to construct a course of my own where I find Youtube reports in German and French, watch through them. Usually I have a good gist of what was said. I listen again, sentence by sentence, word by word. Every word I am not 100% sure of ~ or that I understand (passive vocabulary) yet would not think of using (active vocabulary) I add it to my list... Next I have to watch the video through once more, the new words fall in place. Ideally I would compose some sort of essay using this new vocabulary. This is how most language courses work. I'm just going to have to be disciplined enough to push myself through.

I've been floating over French and German blogs, but, in German especially, haven't the confidence to comment...

It's a shame the "civilized" regulations of modern society mean it would be difficult to take a doggie to college ... I thin I'm going to have to sacrifice the furry swine ~ not an OSPCA-type animal sacrifice... well y'know what I mean.

As it is I'm depressed. I'm tired. It's dark already. The day has flown past. Close to midnight already. I have learning to do...

Look at the poor little swine enduring all this:

Grooming the head

Stripping the coat

Picture of the day: tiny Norwich terrier hiding between two breasts ...


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ No good getting a pooch if you are not there to take care of it. Later maybe.
I just popped by to wish you a very happy birthday tomorrow. I hope you have a really good day with some
surprises for you. Take care,
Cheers, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

Wanting a doggie pal so badly should give you the encouragement to get yourself sorted out. No sense in getting something to look after if you're not in great shape yourself yet eh?

Akelamalu said...

PS Happy Birthday for tomorrow. :)

Gledwood said...

Thank you :->... My birthday was actually a while back... When I've mentioned it before I've usually left it a few days as birthdays make me feel too weird to say too much at the time.. I didn't remember on the day until I got calls from family wishing many happy returns! Did you remember what date I posted about it last year?? That was v well organized of you!

You're both quite right about the poor proposed puppydog, I came to the same sad conclusion myself. It's not so much that I feel unable to look after a dog or make the commitment because I could, more that I'm not supposed to have one here, would find it harder to get new accommodation with one, and might run into terrible trouble trying to take the poor thing abroad. Also I would take her everywhere with me, which isn't fair if I suddenly go on a course and she has to stay at home. Obviously she would hate it.

Anonymous said...

I like your Dutch prose! If you do get a dog that breed of terrier would be adorable. not sure anything could be quite as cute as the hamster, though . . .

Sweden said...

Dude is that fucking bitch RIPPING the hairs out of the dogs face!!! WTF is her problem??? whats wrong with using scissors, it was very obvious that the dog was in pain. WTF NOT COOL DUDE!

Stacie said...

Everytime I see a norwich terrier, I think of the movie Best in Show. I just love that movie and that little dog is so adorable!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am depressed, too. It's Monday and ugly and rainy and cold here in Ohio. Bah!

Syd said...

I hope that eventually you will get your dog companion. They are wonderful and help the soul.

Gledwood said...

So-&-So: I always used to think that my pygmy hamster, Itchy, used to look like a tiny terrier when her fur was all bashed-up and damp from being licked by her 2 sisters...

Sweden: I know! She talks about it not being "painful" but that poor dog looks so uncomfortable, I feel so sorry for her. I think she is a show dog... They say you have to suffer for beauty but at least in humans it's a CHOICE... poor furry little swine!

Stacie: there is a movie called Best in Show about Norwich terriers??! I will have to see it NOW!!!

SB: not rainy here, but sunny, blue skies... and STILL COLD AS A NUN'S ****...!

Syd: especially if they're Norwich terriers!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood