HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 02, 2010

OK no doggies today I promise you.

I'm TIRED. SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED ...
as the saying goes. But not, unfortunately sick and tired enough.

I don't post about my own drugs very much these days because I am bored of it. If I'm bored I'm only going to be boring... so I keep my trap shut and fantasize instead about a more perfect life with a scruffy ro-ro (OK: first and only canine reference over and done with)... I have barely any veins left. My right ankle is swollen like a bowling pin. Yet still the using goes on and on and I'm just bored of it.

I have a tiny bag of gear lurking on the sideboard. There's a crisp £20 lying temptingly on the telly... and yet I've fully decided on doing Sunday drug-free. (Well, on methadone, of course, but no illicit drugs.)

"Just for today" as they say... Not that I have any sort of track record of success. But as the saying goes: if at first you don't succeed ~ try, try TRY AGAIN!

I have been desperately seeking any online resources for learning Japanese that are FREE and of GOOD QUALITY... and haven't really found any. Surely someone, somewhere has put SOMETHING up that's decent...? Oh well.

Seeing as I'm very slowly learning to read and write the language of the rising sun, I thought I'd have a look at the Japanese Bible. I had a hunch that the first word might well be the verb hajimeru, as in "hajemimashite" ~ the basic phrase you say when you meet someone. It literally means something like "let us begin"... hajimeru means to begin and ~ ta-daa! It is indeed the first word of Japanese Genesis 1:1 ("In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"... (The Japanese say hajime-ni "beginning-in", because they're Japanese and mad!))

創世記 1

1 はじめに神は天と地とを創造された。2 地は形なく、むなしく、やみが淵のおもてにあり、神の霊が水のおもてをおおっていた。

3 神は「光あれ」と言われた。すると光があった。4 神はその光を見て、良しとされた。神はその光とやみとを分けられた。5 神は光を昼と名づけ、やみを夜と名づけられた。夕となり、また朝となった。第一日である。

No of course I cannot read every word. But apart from はじめに "in the beginning" (and how hard was THAT to guess!?) I did recognize 光 "light" (let there be 光) and 一日 "the first day". Who knows? At this rate by 2016 I might be able to read the rest of it..!

POOR GORDON BROWN!

The Prime Minister is in trouble...
Or at least he was on Thursday. So before this is totally old news, here's the email I sent to Vanessa Feltz the other day ~ she read it on her BBC London radio show!!

For those blessed to be continents away from the British general election, I should explain that Gordon Brown had been out canvassing when his assistant set up a conversation with an old Northern lady who appeared to be a staunch Labour supporter, so with news cameras rolling they had a short chat, only for her to burst into a tirade about Eastern European immigrants and "where did they all come from?" ("well it wasn't China!" said the witty Vanessa)... Once dragged away from this the flustered Prime Minister retreated to his car and, not realizing he was still miked up to Sky News, branded the old woman a "bigot" ~ and all media hell broke loose!


Good Morning Lovely Vanessa (she always calls us "Lovely Listeners")

What a load of rot some of your callers have been spouting this morning!

My feelings towards Gordon Brown have long been exceedingly mixed ~ as much as anything because he appears to have been so loath in the past EVER to admit to being wrong ~ as he has been so many times ~ proclaiming an end to boom bust would be a sterling example. I would have loved to hear him admit he was wrong over that one and apologize profusely...

But what has he done wrong this time?

Let off steam in the privacy of his own car? The Conservatives claim this shows "the real Gordon Brown" ~ well I say, if it does then it's all to the good. All he has done is call a bigot a bigot. What's so wrong about that?

And of course he has to say sorry IF he has caused offence. Had he branded his own comments "offensive", imagine the lovely soundbite that would have made!


PS I just realized I understood an entire Japanese sentence (OK, not a sentence, a clause ~ but I understand it all!!!:
神はその光を見て
~ it means "God saw this light". I cannot transliterate I'm afraid because I only just leared 神 is "God" when I first read this entry this evening and 光 I have long known to mean light ~ look! 光 you can see rays beaming out of the top 光光光... but I cannot for the life of me remember any of its pronunciations (most kanji have at least two very different readings that mean the same thing ~ the original Chinese pronunciation and the native Japanese word ~ It would be like drawing wavy lines and saying they read "water"... but also "aqua" as per the Latin... PPS did you know the EU has recommended (but not made compulsory) LATIN-language ingredients on chemically formulated products (where chemical names are the same across languages) like shanppoos, so instead of reading the majority ingredient as "water" in perfume etc we see "aqua"..! How international...


21 comments:

Baino said...

I agree, I don't think I'd have apologised. A bigot is a bigot, statement of fact! And good luck with gear free Sunday. . try and extend it to Monday!

Bimbimbie said...

... well I'm just surprised it's taken so long for anyone off the street to actually have the balls to say to his face what the majority of people have been grumbling about for yonks. The fact that it's from a straight talking northern woman doesn't*!*

Bimbimbie said...

surprise me that is ;)

Gledwood said...

Baino: gear free Sunday... Monday... that's the idea. But it can only be minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day

Bimbimbie: I agree with the woman's point because it's true... it's just the way she expressed it (not particularly originally) did sound to me, from the way it was reported, that she was being a bit bigotted ~ even if she did have a very good point

What lots of people seem not to or don't want to understand is that we have very little choice except to let in citizens of other EU nations. There is a buffer period of 3 years when new members come in, during which countries can elect to blockade immigration. But Britain chose not to implement this with Poland ~~ though we did against Romania and Bulgaria

What I would really like to know is how on earth there came to be hoards of people my age and younger of African and Asian appearance on the streets of London ~ they don't seem to be students, they seem to live here permanently and I know they're recent immigrants because of their English. I think that's what annoys lots of people. We constantly hear how overstretched we are, of rising unemployment etc ~ so why the hell did they deliberately let in nurses, care workers etc from the 3rd world?? Haven't we got enough people here who would love to do those jobs???

Bimbimbie said...

aye and if she had mentioned africans or asians she would have been branded a racist ...

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Confucius

Just take it day by day and you'll get there.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: aye indeeeedie!

Janice: I hope so. Sometimes the proverb that states the voyage is more important than the destination is appropriate ~ but in this case not really so, I'm sure. I just wanna get there and have done with!

molson said...

I am stuck in a wrinkle of time. I feel I cannot go forward, but I know I cannot go back. The past will not release me and the future will not accept me. So I am stuck in a wrinkle of time.

Gattina said...

Learn knitting, instead of Japonese so you use a needle for something useful at least !
I am fed up with politics, our clowns should all be sent to the moon or at least crash in an airplane ! Instead of solving real problems they are occupied with their language war ! The people don't have that problem.
And yes the royal family bikes around, this greenhouse was built by King Leopold II, he was very rich because he had bought the Congo and exploited it very well. That's why the Congo is so poor today !

lettuce said...

one step at a time Gleds, good luck with that

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, hope your Sunday is drug-free. Mine, in a few short hours, will be spent running a half-marathon.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I do hope you are getting through Sunday with just the methadone. Do try very hard, and then go one more day and then one more. You only have to fight hard for ONE day at a time. Do Try, my friend.
Well I got my peas planted after I pulled out the yellow beans which were really nice, and I hope the peas do well as you can't buy them in the pods now, only frozen or snap peas. I like to shell them as
they taste so much better.
Glad you liked my doggie pics and I like the look of the Cairn terriers that you like. I hope you can get one, someday. The Japanese looks too hard for me, my friend.
very best wishes, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

I don't agree the woman is a bigot. She was asking the questions myself and many, many others want the answers to.

In my view the worst thing Gordon Brown did was intimate that she should never have been allowed to speak to him, he obviously only wants to speak to sycophants! The man's a bully and a moron.

Glad to hear you're staying off gear, even if it is just for today. :)

Jo said...

"I have barely any veins left. My right ankle is swollen like a bowling pin." Oh, gosh, maybe it's time to stop. You're too young to be killing yourself slowly. And you're too much fun -- the blogging world doesn't want to lose you. :-)

Gledwood said...

Molson: a wrinkle? Then I'd advise avoiding any cream like Antiwrinkle Q10 for a start!

Gattina: Knitting?! Never thought of that one..!
Are they STILL fighting over Vlaams/French language..? Wow ...
Colonialism ~ I could write a book on that particular issue...
I think the situation in Africa is like Monty Python's Life of Brian: what have the Romans ever done for us: we gave Africa railways, postal service, modern infrastructure ~ highways, harbours and the like... many African languages had never been written down until missionaries translated the Bible into local languages... so it's not all bad...

Lettuce: thank you

Whitenoise: a half-marathon? I could do one of those... as long as I was allowed to WALK it!

Merle: thank you! There is nothing like a homegrown pea (well, a bowl of 'em..!)

I used to think Japanese was complicated. Well it is. I just remind myself 130 million Japanese people speak it well, and that the weird writing isn't trying to hide anything, but to SPEAK OUT, loud and clear to all ~ and that spurs me on

Akelamalu: I think the way it was reported it was the way the woman expressed herself, rather than what she said, that sounded bigotted to me... I'm just as peeved as anyone else, if not more so, by the rampant immigration that seems to have gone on in the last 10 years. I hear the London population described as low as 7 million and think, NO ~ it wouldn't surprise me if there were as many as a MILLION more people in this town alone than census data proclaims

Jo: thank you for that. I don't feel very young though... Most mornings I feel about 147 years old!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yes, we heard all about the Gordon Brown boo boo here, Our media made the most of it...purely because he's a politician. After all, being in that game, leaves one wide open for media ridicule.

Oh well done for having your email read out...on the BBC no less. You make a good point about him being in the privacy of his car...again, that's the media for you...but maybe Gordon should check his lapels next time...hmmm?

Gledwood said...

I know!! They made a big thing about RUPERT MURDOCH being owner of Sky News... especially on the BBC!

Tea and Margaritas in My Garden said...

I recognise that song Gleds! Great song and I so love 80`s music :)

tea xo

Gledwood said...

1980s music had that particular sound ... and it wasn't just the instrumentation, it was something to do with the actual tunes, whatever it is ~ and I wouldn't know the musical terminology to be able to describe it ~ but whatever it is, I wish someone would bring it back ;-)

Liz said...

I only heard about the bigot instance but I agree with your email. Read out by the lovely Vanessa? Cor, you're a star!

Gledwood said...

aye!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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