HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Truth hurts

In Wisconsin, Anna Grace, who tried Naloxone SUBoxone ~ get it right, is back on methadone and riding the great Bipolar Cycle to... who knows where? In New Mexico Melody Lee is lacerated to pieces. Everybody dies. She says

...please don't turn your good intentions my way, misguided sympathy I can do without! I don't feel sorry for myself, I damn well don't expect anyone else to. If you are stupid enough to extend a sympathetic hand, don't be surprised if I lop it off and sell it for dope, **** your pity and the horse it rode in on bitch!
I refuse to be that person, the one who pens a pretty tale of coercion, addiction, destruction and eventual redemption.I'll leave that to all the whiny ****s who get off on waxing about how high were their highs and how low their lows. Pfffft! Enough whiny ****s, I won't add myself to their number.


I am reminded of the song by Sinead O'Connor that says

He won't ask for your pity or your sympathy
But surely you should care...



SINEAD O'CONNOR: SCORN NOT HIS SIMPLICITY



In Oklahoma, Noah says he wants methadone (why?!) Methadone is more addictive than heroin (simple fact: if you don't believe me, phone a detox centre claiming to be on heroin and methadone and see if they don't tell you to stop the methadone before you come in (not the heroin ~ the methadone! What does that tell you? Which is worse? And how did this farcical situation ever arise?))

If you don't want heroin OR methadone, here is a lullaby to lull you to sleep.
I don't know WHY she called it "rebel song" ~ it is a traditional Irish ballad!



Talking of whiny ****s moaning about high highs and low lows and redemption, she just put her finga on why I couldn't write a misery memoir. It's not like I didn't have the material. For one thing there was no redemption, so I thought that might make a good surprise ending I AM STILL ON IT TODAY! Other thing was, I had a thing about changing names to protect the guilty. How much was my own story, how much theirs? In the end, I decided the TRUTH could be far better told fictionally, where you have full range to say anything you like about anyone. Because they are not real. If I actually finished this, if it was actually any good. If it actually came out and I actually got cash, I would put myself through rehabilitation. But not some summer camp for the broken. I mean quick anaesthetic detox and away to Timbuktu type rehab. I would rather sit on an African beach crying alone than talk this crap out "in group".

When junkies get clean and the mutual interest of the sheen of drugs is dulled, they are incredibly boring people to be with. Addiction bends unique individuals the same same way. That is one reason rehab is so intolerable. The talk talk talk. All the same. And the untruths about "chasing some first-time high"... that they probably heard on television and didn't think about long enough to see it's NOT TRUE. Are you chasing breast feeding or the bottle every time you eat a meal? Heroin (but not so much crack/cocaine or speed ~ which I don't bother with now) is like food. It is taken to feel OK, maybe better than OK, but not much. There is so much hypocrisy and bullensheisse around drug addiction. Someone someday should tell the truth as it actually is. Until then, hope lies with the dealer, not the government (certainly not with the self, who lets us down time after time) ~ at least for most of us, in most situations.

Until then: heroin ~ TILL DEATH DO US PART.

FUTILITY

Move him into the sun -
Gently its touch awoke him once,
At home, whispering of fields unsown.
Always it woke him, even in France,
Until this morning and this snow.
If anything might rouse him now
The kind old sun will know.

Think how it wakes the seeds, -
Woke, once, the clays of a cold star.
Are limbs, so dear-achieved, are sides,
Full-nerved, - still warm, - too hard to stir?
Was it for this the clay grew tall?
- O what made fatuous sunbeams toil
To break earth's sleep at all?


Wilfred Owen 1893-1918

20 comments:

Gledwood said...

yes I know Mali is a landlocked country ~ what is the Sahara desert, if not a beach?

Gledwood said...

ok: a v large beach

Akelamalu said...

If methadone is more addictive than heroin why do doctors prescibe it?

Gledwood said...

because it's longer lasting (that makes it more addictive; it stays in the body 3 or 4 times longer) they can control 1 dose a day, whereas heroin needs to be taken twice (really 3 or 4 times) each day

it is to do with control

my habit got far, far worse as soon as I started on methadone

now the national treatment agency have revised their outlook to give as much as people say they need, which might be 100s of mgs a day

to even nearly approximate the buzz of heroin you would be quadrupling or more the habit ~~ how on earth can this be justified in the name of "treatment"?

also you do know they are giving methadone to prisoners, who CLEANED UP inside ~ to re-addict them before release, in the name of "overdose minimization". Of course they take it. A day on methadone to someone NOT habituated, is a day half asleep....

the whole situation stinks it is liees lies lies. they know methadone doesnt work, i have research links i will post up next week. true it is better than nothing, but not much

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, dear Gleds. I still think you have a great book in you and that you could help others by publishing it.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

PS; I don't understsnd about the "quick anaesthetic detox". Can you explain?
Also, I know I don't speak from experience but don't you think maybe you need to come off it to write the book, not the other way round?

AnnaGrace said...

Oh I concure completely that Methadone is more addictive than Heroin. My tolerance for H is litterly five times what it was before I statred the damn Methadone clinic. I would clean up in a minute...for a few weeks at least to bring down my tolerance. Then I would go back to Heroin if I had a secure supply everyday. I know, get clean for three weeks and go back to it. Why you ask, because I'm a junky, and its not just a physical addiction its a mental addiction. I can't leave the love of my life no matter how much he steals, beats, shits on me. He always appoligizes and makes me feel better or feel nothing at all. Either way I can't prepare for death anymore than I already have.

I've found Gled is very knowlagble about drugs. Being a junky you have to be.

Gled save me from being another sheep following the flock to jump off the bridge.

When will you show us what you look like? Do not put up a photo of Marry Poppins. I already know what she looks like.

Goodnight love.

Gledwood said...

Quick anaesthetic detox is aka RODA Rapid Opiate Detoxification under Anaesthesia. They knock you out cold for 48-72 hours. A consultant anaesthetist is required to supervise, which is why it costs £4000 anything up to £12,000 or more for the 4, 5 days of the treatment. Once you are under they administer naltrexone, which kicks all opiates off the receptor sites, making you EXTREMELY sick and cutting the detox period from seven days or more (methadone detox can take weeks)... into a series of minutes. They can only possibly administer naltrexone in this way to someone who's unconscious, because it is extremely powerful and would drive a conscious person posssibly to suicide. I know someone who took it by accident. Naltrexone is used to keep clean junkies clean. This person accidentally drank her clean sister's orange juice with naltrexone pill in bottom. She says she drank over 600mg methadone and used God knows how much heroin... NOTHINHG got through the terrible sickness that lasted 3 days... it is a terrible drug for the addicted (but brillaint for the clean). I have asked for it time and time again as well as a diamorphine script. These are the two treatments I KNOW would work for me, and yet the doctors will not give it, they are too stingy. They KNOW it would work, yet they do not care for my welfare. They don't care about my wellbeing at all. Otherwise they would script me injectable diamorphine with a view to detoxing under complete anaesthesia... they don't care at all and I will not accept that these treatments should not be available for me. I will lobby and lobby. I hate them for their mediocrity.

The book will be unique in that it's written under the influence, not merely the memory of being under the influence... which would make it unusual if not unique as most books in the genre are written by ex- rather than current addicts; as it was pointed out before, in a misery memoir, especially, a happy ending is expected ~~ one I just could not promise to indulge ...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ~ sorry this is telling ~ it's 3:23 am and I fell asleep on the Z-key!

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna G: you commented while I was already online commenting to Welshcakes.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx opi vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvbbjjjj oh no I fell asleep on the v-key!!

Baino said...

write the book. Seriously, it will provide a distractin, help you with your own therapy - talk to the pages instead of the group - you have the skill, the experience, the knowledge. For once, do it! DO IT!

Gledwood said...

OK!

Gledwood said...

Anna I look Or used to look like Kurt Cobain ~ or more like Kurt Cobain than I looked like anyone else. My ex Libra also bore more than a passing resemblance to Courtney Love, so if you want a picture of me in myh prime CCURT COBAIN ~~ i have been told this loads of times

i have/had long dirty blond hair, blueygreen eyes underweight, heroin, similar taste or nontaste in clothes, the whole shebang, even the dynamics of our relationship bore similarity to curt & courtney's

last night i really did fall asleep finger on keys zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whatever.

hmmmmm whatever whatever haveter

yeah i fell asleep

finally at close to midnight i got heroin and the day was ok

Syd said...

I think that the same boredom may affect alcoholics as well. It seems that the adventures they had, bolstered by alcohol, were really on the edge. Being sober is more predictable, thankfully.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Wow, man. That photo is gross and sad (the dead soldier).

I hope your mum is better, Gledds. I thought about her over the weekend.

Love,

SB

Gledwood said...

Syd: boredom... isn't really it for me. I've been told I'm self-medicating and I think that's it. If I didn't feel shit I wouldn't want gear. I would also have somehow to have the link broken between money and lil baggiese of heroin because i find that link so hard to break... even on Subutex, which made me feel strong enough to walk into a drug house and not score or use, not even that was strong enough to stop me feeling totally and utterly lost on Money Day

But I stand by my comment, druggies are incredibly boring people. As I said, it makes unique people very same same same... in distinct contrast to mental illness, which fragments the mind outwards, like petals of a margarita daisy...

Americans love drinking margaritas, they always asociate margaritas with good times, I've heard it so often!

SarcBsst: do you like the poem as well? That was about a dead soldier, the author died in WWI, but I wasn't sure whether to highlight the fact or just give dates and leave people to form own conclusion.

Me Ma seems fine. She called me to ask whether I was alright (my eye) and said "yes!" very defensicly when I asked whether the same OK-ness applied to her..

I can only pray she will be OK ....

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gledds,
I did like the poem. It's lovely. Don't believe I've ever heard of the writer.

I will pray for your Ma, too.

Love you lots.

Gledwood said...

Wilfred Owen is quite famous over here. Considered a great war poet and what a shame he died aged just 25.

His most famous one is probably Dulce et Decorum Est... which refers to a Latin phase meaning "it is a sweet and noble thing to die for one's country" (which he is saying it is not)

I just spoke to my Mum. She sounds OK but nothing is OK, nothing at all and that is our relationship. never talking about anything

Gledwood said...


Dulce et Decorum est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! -- An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime. --
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, --
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks for the lovely poem, friend. And the info.

SB

Gledwood said...

thank you

we did that one at school, I think it's probably the best poem we ever did

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood