HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 29, 2010

2:45am Relapse

I KNOW THIS MIGHT HURT SOME OF YOU, my old friends. But I HAVE TO BE FRANK, BECAUSE RELAPSING IS WHAT I'M DOING. Going backwards.

My normal dealer would not serve me tonight, said he had something to do, not back till MONDAY AFTERNOON... Junkie Horror!


So I rang a distant 2nd choice who normally comes good in a drought. First called around 00:40 hrs. Couldn't understand what on earth he was trying to say. Went in a phonebox to call back on my mobile. Still no sense. I assumed I was messing me about (no mutual respect. He thinks I'm soft or stupid or// whatever he thinks. I think he thinks junkies are idiots who will pay anything, wait any time for rubbish. I've known him since he was 16. His original "boss man" is doing life for a shooting. What lovely people.

First he says come to one tube station. Then he says go to flats far nearer another. Giving benefit of the doubt I thought, well maybe he's cabbing for what Anna Grace calls a "booty call" (I would call it casual sex of a friend fck). I stood about under some freezing, shadowy trees well after 1:30am, for a good half hour, on the verge of hypothermia.

2 calls later and my phone credit is down to 22p. Not at all good.

Then I check my calls and realize my MAIN MAN II rang me at 1:45am. I sent an urgent text.

Told Mr Disrespect I'm not waiting any more. Main man said he has the same B as Mr Disrespect, he did me 2 for £15 + one white, which was pink. Pink crack is nearly always good. It was only little because he wanted £25 and I specified, "big darks please and a little white, you'll do THAT for £20, won't you?" (Big crack tiny B I cannot stand. I'm a B-punter, as they call it.) I got da stuff around 2:30.

So I've lapsed back onto crack. Even my lighter wouldn't play ball until I got wrapping paper from a 1 ml syringe, set fire to that and my pink crack piped beautifully.

I love drugs. I know a lot of you, who are my true friends, with cats and gardens and lives and hopes for me will be really upset. I'm despairing now that I will ever attain your kind of normality. As I told my Mum, you KNOW why I went on heroin. "Yes it's because the antidepressants didn't work," she likes to think. Truth being I have been unhappy and I mean desperately unhappy sincd age 8. At 10 I had what a counsellor called "the childhood form of a breakdown" (thought I was dying, washed hands obsessively. In winter they chapped and bled.)

Lots of people have had far worse lives than me. Some never took heroin or crack or drink. Others did and still came off. There is hope. As I've said before I do have willpower. I might seem a bit soft sometimes and people mistake kindness for weakness. I try to be kind, despite everything. TRY. I don't always succeed. I have been called "hard" a few times (always by women), always with a note of disappointment. Who is nasty? Who is nice anyhow? We're all a mixture, by degrees.

I have tried to put in a good word for people who could do with some support. I am not a saint. I'm just an addict trying to be the best person I can be despite it all.

I often feel badly misunderstood.

My biggest revelation in counselling, about 12 years ago was SO WHAT?! So what if the world doesn't understand. People will always think what they please. Live your own life.

I still wish that life could be drug free, even though I have a fully loaded pipe right by me. Night night everyone.

Please, my deepest fear is that some impressionable kid will read this and think drugs are cool. They have inflicted more misery than you could ever imagine. If you're miserable without heroin/crack/crystal/drink/whatever your life will only get ten, twenty, a hundred times more intolerable, more chaotic. And if and when you do finally kick those chemicals (and it's not like giving up smoking, it takes a lot of motivation + professional help) whatever made you so unahppy to start with will still need addressing.

I'm writing for everyone, everywhere. Perhaps I over-explain some slang or aspects of the life but this is so that any English-speaker, however far-flung their location, and addicted or not, will read this and hopefully learn something. I only "preach" in terror that some vulnerable person might think I'm condoning this life. I condone nothing. I try only to describe.

PLEASE STAY SAFE, FRIENDS.

ILLUSTRATED: my life.

15 comments:

Jeannie said...

Gled: it is just sad that you are in the place you are in - that there wasn't some better way to help you out in the first place. I wonder when science will get around to addressing that monster of depression and anxiety that seems to infect everyone these days - antidepressants don't really seem to be the answer and cause other problems. They don't even know how they work! My daughter was on them and, as you say, when she wanted off, she still had the issues plus the addiction to deal with. Still, I am thinking of giving in to the opiates because I'm just so tired of the pain.

Akelamalu said...

I am so sad to read this Gleds. I wish there was some way, some miracle to get you off the drugs to lead the life you really want. Know I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and Reiki. x

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: you mean prescribed opiates? If the dr's giving them to you, don't worry too much. There's a world of difference between a mild pill and heroin! Heroin is the full-mcCoy, those pills far milder. Don't beat yourself up and don't suffer unneccessarily. I do understand your concerns though. If you do take them, don't be tempted to over do it. THAT causes the problems. Do you mind my asking what opiate your mean? Oxy or dilaudid? Or something like codeine?

AKELAMALU: thank you. I know it must make upsetting reading. I'm just trying to be real. This blog is my diary too. My only record of my fcked up life. Hopefully one day it will all be a bad memory

That's why when I write my little stories. Ok my ONE story I wrote it's NOTHING TO DO WITH DRUGS. I want to forget them.

On the other hand I believe I could help people not bc my story is in any way amazing, but bc I think I can explain addiction to ordinary people in a way most addicts seem unable to. Am I just flattering myself here, or do you think I'm right?

Syd said...

I do find it unsettling. But it is your life. I like that you don't glamorize drugs or addiction. Hope that the reality of what you writw will help others.

Gledwood said...

I hope to God it might too. Thanks Syd

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds luv I wish I had a wand and could just simply wave it over you. I wish the 8 year old you had received better professional help. I wish the powers that be would make heroin legal and in doing so rid society of the criminal element who have no qualms about mixing anything with the heroin when supplies are running short. And I wish I could do something more positive than simply wish. x

Concerned Regular Reader said...

Gleds, I have this dream that one day you will have kicked all this and got your life in order and that you will be allowed to address the youngsters at the local secondary school that you attended.

I see you making a presentation before these impressionable kids with large blown up photos of you, showing "before" and "after" pics! You have a tremendous writing ability and I expect that you could deliver an amazingly effective lecture to warn our youngsters not to play with these seductive matches. Who knows, you may be invited to speak to many schools and colleges and help many many people.

I sincerely hope and pray that this dream becomes a reality. You can do this; use your stubborn determination to kick this terribly destructive habit. You can't change what's past - the future however is up to you!

Good luck. :-D

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Did you get my mail?

Sid said...

Hey Gleds,

Bad timing mate! In a drought, I know I can't do one without the other!

Please be safe!

Sids

Gattina said...

To your question : the Brussels central station is in the center and the South station in the south (logical) of course they are not the same stations. If ever you want to take the Eurostar, just put the money you spend for drugs in a pink (fat) piggy bank dream of this trip and maybe you will feel better !
I still wonder how old you are. Since 3 years I know you you are still 36 !

Lady Anon said...

O crack, the shortest high ever...at least you're not doing it by itself...

this drought must be bad as I found myself buying just white...and quite enjoying it!

I'm sure there are lots of us thinking...

"...now crack...lots of people do it...was it really as shit on its own as I remember?"

But it really does last for one second...and then you want more...

Evil!

XxXXXxX

Janice said...

If you try and fail, try and fail.

Then here's what you do . . .

try again.

Janice~

Akelamalu said...

I don't think you're flattering yourself at all Gleds - what you write about drug addiction scares the shit out of me I only hope it does the same to anyone thinking about trying drugs.

You are obviously a very intelligent person and a brilliant writer, it really upsets me that your life is being wasted because of drugs - that definitely comes over in what you write, which is what I assume you are trying to convey.

Furtheron said...

What a brilliantly honest post.

Sad that you relapsed but it happens, pick yourself up and go forward.

I loved the last part of this post - so so true, my battle has been alcohol but that was only cos it was readily available and at an early age (14) I decided drugs were dangerous and somehow alcohol wasn't I thought - nuts!

Anyway I often pop here to read your story - this one really hit me. Be honest, first start to any recovery in my belief

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleds,
It is your life. Bottom line. If you want to change it, you will. Until then, nobody preaching at you is going to change a damn thing. I don't judge you.

Good message here for those who might think the drug life is cool.

Love you much,

SB

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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