HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


FOR £35 I obtained the best budget book+CDs language course I have encountered in all my years of linguistic dabbling. And best of all, she teaches characters along with the pinyin Europeanized text, so I'm writing Chinese right from the word go (去).

The author, Liz Scurfield, has 40 years' experieince teaching Chinese and is full of the kind of tips a westerner, who's slogged away at the language would be full of, but a native speaker who learned Chinese from the cradle would have a hard time explaining. E.g. to get the high rising tone, just raise your eyebrows as you speak. Works every time.

So I'm now very happy. Fun without drugs. Well... with fewer drugs, if the truth be told.

But hey, I'm au fait with Chinese computer imput already.

The following is my efforts at replicating lesson one's dialogue into simplified characters. I tapped it all in myself, from scratch, without highlighting and lifting texts from elsewhere, as I was limited to doing in Japanese. (I've not the faintest idea how the Japanese manage to input their language...)

This is a dialogue between Mr Li 李先生 and Mr Wang, 王先生. Wang means King, and it's the same motif inside the box which means "kingdom" 囯。Isn't that funky. There's plenty of rhyme and reason behind Chinese (especially rhyme).

李:王先生你好? How are you Mr Wang?
王:李先生你好? How are you Mr Li?
李:请坐。 Do sit down.
王:谢谢。 Many thanks.
李:请喝咖啡。 Do have some coffee.
王:谢谢,我不喝咖啡。 Thank you. I don't drink coffee.
李:那么中国茶行不行? Well would Chinese tea be OK with you?
王:行谢谢你。我很喜欢喝中国茶。Yes thank you. I'm exceedingly fond of China tea.

If I can't get into that course in Germany I wanted to do, and provided I sell over ten million books (you need an eight-figure bank account to pay UK tuition fees, thanks to our kindly Tory government). I could opt instead to get a double first in Chinese and Japanese from Cambridge or Oxford. This could well cost me £30,000 in tuition fees alone (as opposed to about £3000 in Germany.) Cambridge only allow study of two Oriental tongues if you can demonstrate a high level of competency in at least one when you apply. I am nothing if not ambitious, so if I want to do this, I shall. The great thing about Oxbridge uni courses is you get to read loads and loads of lovely literary and historical texts. Unlike the more modern degree where you spend all day in a language lab pretending to give a presentation on Honda cars...

...If me and ambitious seem as congruous as Pope and Buddhist, by the way, then you certainly don't know me! You only know my depressed self. And all too many people ~ even some fairly close friends, unfortunately fall into that category ...

I must run. The local Greek shop has mysterious melted cheese-stuffed loaves and I must grab one before the local babushkas get 'em all...


Akelamalu said...

It's good to have ambition Gleds and I truly wish you the very best of luck with yours. :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I've had a mean computer virus (all clean now), so I'm playing catch up on everybody's blogs today.

I hope you got your cheese-stuffed loaves.

Love you lots!


Arjan said...

I should try and learn 'How are you Mr Li?' since one of my bosses is Chinese and is called Li and speaks Mandarin, next to Dutch:P
I think he would stare at me for at least 5 min.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood