HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

DO Y'ALL LIKE MY MOLECULE? No it is not diamorphine. It's a DIAMOND. Well it's been the worst day. No energy. No will for anything. I tidied up a bit, but only because I'm 99.9% sure I lost a good 0.2-0.3 of that benzo-gear. I could really do with some right now and who knows where it's gone. I was so slaughtered 3 nights ago I hadn't the faintest idea where it could have got to. Not in my arm/leg/foot. I have the memory of a chess grand master when it comes to what I have and have not taken stash-wise.

Pregnant girl please email back I didn't get it: hammynutter@lycos.com that applies to anyone else wanting to get in touch. Please bear in mind my track record of email response hasn't always been the "best". So if you write and I appear to ignore you, send a comment; I'll check carefully where that "darn" email got to.

Take it easy peeps. Monday tomorrow. Can't be any worse than Sunday. (Or can it??) Things can always get worse. Simple fact. If anyone knows what's up with Melody Lee please comment or email. Thanks. Melody I'm worried about you, you know.

PS don't envy me having lost a bag. Probably cat in hell's chance of ever finding it.

15 comments:

Lady Anon said...

The only time I ever found a bag was when I'd decided never to do gear again...had turned up 3 days in a row on green to this recovery course..

..and then that night in my rag-rug sat this little plump parcel....

Typical.

Gledwood said...

What's annoying is this isn't wrapped properly, just in paper. So more likely to fucking go everyhwere, so I have to be ultra careful searching. Ukk. Tried to score on tick, no joy. So it's tear house apart time.

(Note my psychology: would rather get in debt than bother to clean own home, ha!)

Anna Grace said...

So you lost some benzos, or was it anphetimenes(spelling). Sorry your feeling a bit down. I had been feeling nearly all the way down(gun to head), but then I took my Ritalin and got real high. The methadone must have been keeping me down, suboxone not strong enough to keep the uppers from picking me up.
Anyway, your only 38 that's not that much older than me. Fly to the states. Wisconsin looks just like Germany aka The Father land, and almost everyone here has german blood. I'm mostly Irish, but my grandfather on my dad's side had some German in him. So I have A little German in me. I'd like some English in me though. Get it. Ha ha.
Also there is a dedication to you and I by the guy in the blue silk taffeta dress.blogspot

Gledwood said...

No it was heroin with loads of benzos in it. Afghanistan is near the country they make them, so they're added neat. Or barbiturates. Or methaqualone (quaaludes). I'm not talking crushed up pills, I mean brown rocky powder heroin with shit loads of benzos in there 2. That's why I didn't post Monday to Thursday. Too fucking out of it.

I'm really depressed. One dealer who had won't be around till Mon evening, another has and said he will serve me 1am when I have money.

What's Chicago gear like? Not tar, please no! We could meet in NYC if I could only get funds together. Shit hot China/Colombia white baby!

Gledwood said...

Sorry you're down too.

Please answer the Chicago question. The junkie in me really wants to know ;-)

ps I've tried ritalin. Don't overdo it. "Baby" speed it may be, it's v v strong if you go at it big time which I'm not advising. I wouldn't do that again. Serious hallucinations, massive comedown.

Anna Grace said...

Chicago Heroin is mostly China White, Which is a white powder that looks almost identical to powder coke. Its usually cut with Fetynal and its called venom. You only need a grain which is an old term for less than size of the tip of toothpick. When you cook it up its clear, so when you shoot it up you can see your blood flash into the syringe easily unlike with Black Tar Heroin.
Sometimes in Chicago you come across Brown Sugar Heroin wich is sort of a China White Black tar mix. Its wet and tar like on the outside, but you break it open and its like brown sugar on the inside. That stuff you need citrus to shoot up. Thats rare though.

Gledwood said...

That brown sugar might be our Afghan. Nobody wants Afghan here, cept for smoking.

I did one point of what looked like crack (crystalline). In the works it was v v pale yellow, just like crack. I knew what it was bc of the vinegar smell. We had a drought on YET AGAIN so my tolerance was low. Got vein instantly. Next thing I knew I was stooped over the sink, not knowing where I was, what I was doing, what day it was. Serious shit, man!

And I still had the other 1 point left! (£10 bag, about $16).

How much do you get for $10 in a big city? I heard 0.1 is that right?

Also you would never buy a "bundle" here. If you want weight, you say "a G please" and it comes in a 1G bag. A good dealer will do teenths ~ 1.75gs and 8ths, 3.5g and a "Q" (7g) if you want it.

Other dealers stingy and only sell in £10/£15/£20 bags so if you had £100 they'd want to sell you 6x£20 which is 2.4g min. Good 20s are 0.5g. Really good ones are 0.6g but they don't like knocking more than a £5 or 2 off, even if you buy a lot. You get what you pay for.

Some people think they're clever giving short money all the time. These are the same people who moan about small bags. + who would you come out for at an inconvenient time? Someone who you know will short you, or someone dealing with you straight. As I say you get what you pay for.

Brown is "low grade" (not weak), but you can get a white version of brown which still needs citric and is smokeable. In my experience good B and China feel the same. I'd just rather skip the citric/vitC crap!

There's a dark brown gear that creeps up on you more (less rush), but very gloopy, very goofy. Sounds more like tar in its effect.

Hope I haven't gone on. Please indulge me with a comparison, esp. on prices/sizes. Do you buy on a "corner" off someone you don't know/hardly know? We never do this, except there's a frontline as we call it (ie a corner) in Brixton. That's for people after a probably not v big but quick deal of crack. We score by phoning in advance, get to the place about 10 mins later. Hopefully another 5-10 mins I'm skipping off home. Man I'm craving craving.

Please give a comparison if you have time tonight. My inner junkie loves that shit! ;-)

Gledwood said...

The "crack" stuff was CHINA WHITE btw

Baino said...

I don't belong here today! Did you shower?

Gledwood said...

Yes my hair is lovely and clean.
Pink stuff I found in a carrier bag outside Boots (pharmacist) + free blue (ie "masculine") shower gell. Lovely.
I hate showering on methadone. I hate doing anything at all on methadone. My doctor and I are due a serious talk.

Anonymous said...

The Other half lost a bag at the weekend, he spent Sunday taking the car apart to find it!
How did it get lost?
It was SO SMALL....the smallest of 3 £20 bags....Contents each less than .2.....and the lost and found one .1 OMG Rip Off!
Drought Life!
Hope You are Feeling Better Today (Monday) All The Best,
CJ
Ps. I Like Your Molecule!
Word Verification-Wariest,
You have to be very Wary in these times!

Akelamalu said...

:(

Gledwood said...

Hi CJ did you comment on my German blog? I only take ages to reply because I'm crap not an ignorant rude fucker (though I am that too, harhar!)

Akelamalu I know how upsetting this must be for you and all my old friends. Please try and understand there is a crisis, I'm doing the best I think I can do to help out.

Also as you know my blog was originally meant to explain to "normal" people how someone all "bright" and "full of promise" (as if!!) can get sucked into heroin and stay there so long.

I really am sorry if I've upset you. I feel bad bordering on desperate. All I can do is be as grown up about it as I can be.

Love you and thanks for being my friend xx

Syd said...

Wish you the best. I hope that you will still be around.

Gledwood said...

Nice sentiments. I often wish I weren't fucking around and had never been born to see these shitty people and this shitty life. On drugs or not, life is the pits.
In fact I often think those who go through life WITHOUT drugs must truly be deranged. How else could they manage it?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood