HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

On and on again

I CAN'T BELIEVE LAST NIGHT I actuallly sacrificed £7.50 on the altar of my own craving. (I am trying to behave: methadone.) I knew it didn't sound right, from the start. But dealers really do not know what they are doing now (I certainly wouldn't tell one he had good gear. Ever. Not nowadays. I use toned down language about "wasn't that bad, OK I spose" or non-toned-down language "What the hell was that?!?" (nowadays specially). It was dark, went black in the works. Person who took other half of 2 for £15 deal said "nothing in it. Possibly mild sedatives." But he is banging away at Suboxone, so perhaps no wonder. I tried it myself, well obviously. Left a bit on the filter (this is crucial, as you will see...) Bear in mind this was NOT "heroin #4" yet it cooked down without any vit C, and didn't look or taste like it had vit c in it. Tasted bitter (as liquid) but not bitter enough and not right. I could smell gear on it when I opened the bag. Afterwards I decided I must just have a sharp nose. Because there WAS some tiny bit in there. I got that when I did the filter and DID put vit C on it. The filter was x10 stronger than the hit! A flush of gear, then nothing. Like a 50p-£1 filter on very good gear. And considering my tolerance has inevitably fallen, that ain't saying much.
I put a shout out (I hope I was using the right words, Googleable words) in German, to anyone in Germany, Switzerland, Austria or anywhere else who could vouch the situation.
Germans, it took me ages to grasp, do not call a shortage a drought. Germans do not say something is droughted when it's not there. The word is Heroinmangel, as in going through a torture-flattener clothes wringer. Quite a good description in my view.
Was craving and craving away this morning. I'm glad I've left it. I have NOT been ringing dealers. I don't want to sound desperate. I enjoy tellling them I don't need their product now. They know me well enough to know IF IT'S RIGHT (in the past) I HAVE paid for it, so I'm burning no bridges by saying this.
That is my deepest fear, as an addict. Burning bridges. Ukh. Hate to do it. Was once advised in rehab to tear up phone nubers. No! What, so I can relapse and have to beg for them back? Pay higher prices for the same thing from other people. No. And the main ones (this was before mobile phones were almost universal as now) I remembered off by heart. I still know a good 3 or 4. 3 are still active. Or were, before this shortage. Apart from that, I do not know a single number off-pat. That's why I copy them again and again so obsessively. I know someone who lost a mobile phone with every main number in Hackney. No way of getting them back. NO!!
If there's no drought in Europe, there should not be one here and it will correct itself within weeks at the longest.
If there is a price-hike in Europe, there will be one here.

Britain is the strongest heroin market in Europe. I have known a lot of people (from the relevant countries) who told me facts that chimed again and again. I checked online and this is bourne out. In Britain gear is more expensive (nowhere near Swedish prices though) but stronger than in France (massively) Austria (massively) and still better than Germany and Spain. Even Holland at street level had a lower average purity, according to the website. The person I know who went there was in Dutch rehab, relapsed and, I suspect, in that state would be more easily impressed. He did say Dutch crack was way better (not difficult, nowadays. It's nothing like what it used to be. On a £10 pipe (one breath) I felt like my head was in a microwave on full power. My ears haven't even rung. And I haven't touched it in ... 2-3 weeks. That was only becuse I was helping out an annoying friend. The annoyance, stress, bad memories, vile feelings, wind-up ~ to the point of wanting to puke ~ etc etc outdid the crack high, even though I waited till I felt calm before doing it. Of course if he wanted it and was paying for it, I'd do it. I have not gone out of my way to get crack since I cannot remember when.
Well it's all gone drugs drugs drugs even though I'm not taking any.
For those of you looking, here's some dirty and clean blogs. They should all be on the sidebar, at the top with pictures is up to date. My side bar contains lists of every obsession I've had no matter how irrelevant to anyone else. Imagine you're poking through my diary/address book. That's the mess.

Now I'm out of here. 1.30 nearly and I haven't even been outside.
I'm tired of the day already.
To die, to sleep
perchance not to dream
Isn't that the ideal? Not to think/feel/remember/be thought of/felt about/remembered...
Or aware of in any manner or style of existence ever in past or future. And certainly not present.
No birth no death. No pain. Yes.

To any of you reading this with no script, not knowing what's going on, when it's going to change, you have my sympathy. The news is about 5 posts down, where all the comments are.


THE BLOGS
Anna Grace: I hate my face, I hate this place and I'm strung out again. I love Anna. She loves me. She crazy?? Went junkie-methadone-Suboxone. Declares she still wants to use. I tell her if she wanted to that much she'd do it and she hasn't so ...
Melody Lee is Damned: hasn't updated for ages. Not ODd and dead, so I hear (contrary to rumour). Bitch-fight, crackhouse etc stories v entertaining
Journey to the Nods. Noah. Black tar and Colombian white (heroin) user, central USA. Last post about driving the Tar Man to motels and various shacks for a free eighth (I don't think most London dealers would be so generous for one evening's work)
Memoirs of a Heroinhead: Shane in France. Who comes from London. Most recent post about doing gear and crack with his Mum is very "vivid"
Australian Heroin Diaries: not so much personal as a news blog. From Australia. About drugs. Well-researched. Terry is lucky enough to get morphine pills on the Aussie NHS. Says they're way better than methadone
Normal Life on Methadone: Mina. In Austria. Who is normal now and actually does normal things
An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom: has to tie with "Broken-hearted Mom" as alltime best parent blog-title (of 20somthing, not underage teen). If you want to read about the other side of addiction, praying to God your kid doesn't overdose in an alleyway, sick and tired of being hit for money, etc... the links are here. The Family Contract (at least most recent one) as well as giving in all wages to Dad, no association with old friends, ie treating their son like a big baby (but then again what else works, I think they've tried everything and found nothing) also included turning in dealers' numbers which will then go to law inforcement. I commented advising caution. (Surely as head of house, first responsibility is safety and wellbeing of household, not performing public service of giving police numbers/"names" they probably know anyway thanks to blabbermouth crooks. Decision was made so I did not bang on about ins and outs of it.)

BODYSNATCH: JUST 4U LONDON

Anyone remember this crazy tune?

e e e e !

The little person doesn't start dancing till around 55secs.

18 comments:

davID said...

Hi there - found your page searching [like many online UK JunkStars will be i reckon] google for "DROUGHT".

There's a whole bunch of us that ended up in this scene post acid house era of the early 90s. IN that time I've seen "Xmas" shortages and I've seen regular droughts - but this beats them all.

People are going crazy by me. Attendences to units by former non-scripted types is rocketing so i heard.

Will be back each day to read til this is done.

Anyone found a reliable article on what;s happened in the supply chain?? CIA and MI6 had a fall out and not letting it thru as usual??! [I'm serious here... this is the level it operates at].

==

Gledwood said...

No Idea. I heard rumours like that though.
If that were the case, the drought would have hit everywhere along the route, not just here.
Maybe the problem is somewhere here, but high up.
And I'm sure you're right. It's all about money

davID said...

Hmmm - i read that with interest about other Euro countries not having same issues.... seems strange that. Given the usual Afghan-->Balkan-->Europe routes.

Gledwood said...

I put it on my other blog and no reply so far. I searched the words for "heroin shortage Germany" and got myself! Number one on the list. So there can't be anything. The other stuff was talking about 2001, year of the near zero Afghan harvest.
I'm gonna try searching the German press online. If I find anything I will put up a link via google translate so people can read in English

Thomas said...

I'm really impressed by your skills both vocabolary, and grammar-wise. I just stumbled upon this blog and found about every single post made by you to be informative and content-rich. I take my hat off for you, sir.

By the way, what country are you residing in? I assume Germany from your Deutche blog.

Gledwood said...

Nope. London. I am English as Oxo Cubes and Marmite!

Thomas said...

@Gledwood
Well I love your blog and I hope you'll proceed for a very long time. I can't believe how much you manage to write on a daily basis (considering you're also following and posting on other blogs).

If you have this much energy and passion for writing, I'm sure an established character like yourself can kick your addiction if the conditions were met.

Well good luck from Norway (and sorry for the weird fixation on your grammar, yours was just really noticeable)

Anna Grace said...

I got mentioned first. I wish I lived in London with you so I could use.
I'm not offended at all.
How do you get back to all commenters?

Anna Grace said...

A drought only in the UK...hmm! I would say it has something to do with the war.

davID said...

5 tonnes of heroin and 11 of opium seized at the end of August, Helmand Province.

How much of that was due to Britain though I don't know. When you step on 5 tonnes to street purity - that's a fair old whack.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/839114-700million-of-heroin-seized-in-worlds-biggest-haul

Mina said...

Thank you for mentioning me! Wasn't there something with diseased opium poppies in Afghanistan, that reduced the harvest dramatically? I've read that somewhere online.

I can't say if there's a drought in Austria too or not, since i'm not using at all. I don't even have any contacts. But in Austria, almost all of the addicts use morphine instead of heroin. The heroin in Austria is way too shitty to use.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Body Snatch!
A Plesant diversion in this Generaly Unplesant World, I didn't recognise it but I was a Goth/Metal thing, I'll have to show the other half He was a Raver!
I read HeroinHead once before, would you believe his post about setting the bed on fire was featured in our local paper! (they have a random blog of the week)
For all it's multitude of Faults I still Give Thanks for the Green Juice (Methadone to everyone else), I'd be a puddle without it!
Maybe, You're right, I don't normaly drink but it might take the edge off.
CJ
Off to search the house for Liquor....

sian rhiannon nichol said...

got some good gear last night!!!! its picking up and just as i decided to quit, fucksake new it. I say good but i probably have a tiny habit a the minute if any... it was really light but stopped me rattling and i een nodded off a tiny bit...whamo! i miss that warm feeling on the back of my neck...am i alone? lol
the stuff i got yesterday did nothing he first time,wasted all my money once again i thought, worked my arse off for thinning my blood with water again, then i took a chance and didn't use a filter and i worked much better, i have no idea why this is happening at all, but give it a try. only if its clear obviously, ...no explanation though. I'm reducing my methadone now i dont have a script so its up to me really when or if i buy more green goblin. Try not to really, i cnat bear hearing th ehorro stories of meth rattle, chills me to the bone(a month of pure cluck??oh dear) i suspect my rattle will be over pretty quick atm. I was tempted to reinvest all the money id saved in that stuff last night but it was all gone before i had a chance to go over again.
There are some rich fuckers out there at the minute man...seriously, ive been bumped outta probably 150 quid on various illegitimate scores and my dealer got 700 knicked last night...gutted. this will be the whitest christmas ever but i prey its a brown one

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Have a good weekend, Gleds.

Sending love,

SB

Sweden said...

everything in sweden is super ridic expensive, one of the reasons i chose to not move back there, my sister got it made there shes a tattoo artist and can make like $1000 canadian doillars A DAY, of course it helps she is one of the best tattoo artists in stockholm

davID said...

And this link...

http://uk.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE68T3S420100930

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

One word out of place, have to drop this in again~
Thanks for all the comments, I did read them. Have been a bit distracted by "elsewhere" (avalanche of comments, a few posts below)

Sian you want to be very careful banging anything without filtering. I read some horrible stuff online about what cuts can do to you. Building up e.g. in the liver or kidneys (never remember which) lungs... etc horrible. It is to do with tiny blood vessels being blocked.

Why do you think that is? It's not like what happened to me, when I hit up a lump of "TCP" without vit c (it dissolved), left a wet filter. Did the filter 4 hours later and actually got the gear off that!! That time I did add vit c, which shows there was some tiny bit of gear in there, and it was small. The first bit I got almost nothing off.

I know what you mean (obviously) about it looking clean. Everything even that is good must be weaker than it was. Maybe it was a relatively safe cut, like sugar?

In Australia they give out something called a micron filter. It's meant to make things as safe as they can be, filter-wise. And their gear is usually "China white" so it stirs in cold, no citric!

If you are injecting you need to be very very cautious about how much you take. Beware of gear smelling of vinegar. That does NOT necessarily mean it is dodgy, it can actually be high grade and strong. VERY strong. I blew my head off on one point in the drought 2 years ago on that. China white! Mexican tar also smells more strongly of vinegar; that is black. There's a chance either of these 2 might make their presence felt, people need to be really careful with both of them.

I am going to have to put some more useful links up, like harm reduction etc.

Sorry I cannot reply to anyone else tonight; it's half 2, I need SLEEP!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood