HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Perfect Sunday!

I SPENT the entire day with my Irish friend Patrick and a black girl I'd never met before who at first was lots of fun. We drank and drank white cyder. I bought Chinese sweet chili chicken pizza and cheese-and-onion-baked rolls. Tanisha bought the cyder. She grew more and more aggressive as we all got more drunk...

... in the end I had to go home before a full-on row broke out.

Oh, what a perfect day!

THIS is one of my favourite songs.
Written and originally recorded by Lou Reed, the following versions, I think, are two of the best:

SUSAN BOYLE: PERFECT DAY



"BBC & STARS" (Lou Reed, Bono, Skye Edwards (Morcheeba), David Bowie, Suzanna Vega, Elton John, Sir Andrew Davies, Boyzone, Lesley Garrett, Burning Spear, Sir Thomas Allen, Brodsky Quartet, Heather Small (M People), Emmylou Harris, Tammy Wynett, Shane McGowan, Sheona White, Dr John, Robert Cray, Huey (Fun Lovin' Criminals), Gabrielle, Evan Dando, Courtney Pine, Brett Anderson (Suede), Visual Ministry Choir, Joan Armatrading, Laurie Anderson, Tom Jones, BBC Symphony Orchestra): PERFECT DAY

12 comments:

Jeannie said...

At least you know when the fun's over and leave before the crazy sets in to ruin it.

Glad it was a good one.

I've never heard that song to my knowledge although it sounds vaguely familiar so maybe I have. It drags a bit. I'm sure it's meant to. Not speaking to me at my current stage in life but I'm sure I'd have loved it not so many years ago.

Gledwood said...

Yeah I don't really consider myself a problem drinker in the true sense because I DO know when to stop, and dislike feeling too drunk... even today, after all those years of addiction.

But I'm a HEROIN addict, and anyone who takes heroin enough gets addicted to it. So that says v little about my personality really. And I have little truck with that crap about "I was an addict before I ever took drugs" I've heard spouted in NA.

I have some reservations about NA, but you gotta take the rough with the smooth in that organization and it works for those "who work it", as the saying goes. And drinking certainly is not a part of the programme!

The BBC version was originally made as a filler between programmes, so they say; not to be released as the charity single it was. Though how on earth such an illustrious cast would be persuaded to sign up for something merely to come between the Nine O'Clock News and the Weather beats me.
If you don't know the song, that version's probably best. It was really really catchy and a huge hit a few years back ...

lgsquirrel said...

I guess some people get aggressive when drunk. I tend to go quiet and melancholic. Great video. Thanks for sharing.

Gledwood said...

I don't usually get fractious. But in vino veritas, as they say, and alcohol often releases people's true spirit.

Some people do go weird on drink though. They don't call it "demon drink" for nothing :-(

Syd said...

It's good to get away before the day is ruined. Glad that you had a smashing Sunday.

Akelamalu said...

You did right getting away before it kicked off Gleds.

Gledwood said...

Syd: didn't smash anything though... hadn't drunk enough

Akelamalu: for once in my life I actually got credit for trying to keep the peace - a real first. Woke up this afternoon feeling like I'd fallen off a horse!

Baino said...

Aww. I love the BBC promo one as well but Lou Reed's still my favourite it's so raw. I just get the havachat's when I've had a few. Glad you had a lovely day.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Thank god I don't have flash player here at the cube farm. I never, ever want to hear Susan Friggin' Boyle sing that song. Nooooo thanks.

Glad u had a good Sunday tho...

Gledwood said...

Baino: I love that song, I'll explain more about why I posted it up in an hour or two, by about 10pm local time

Reeny: So that lack of a flashplayer is saving you from a boyle on the bum! Susan Boyle has a lovely "tone colour", don't you think? I'm that THAT easily impressed by anybody just because they're meant to be wonderful, but Susan Boyle I do get... though I haven't bought any of her CDs (or downloads), I have to say...
The BBC version is far better, btw... Have a watch when you get the chance ~ a genuine all-time classic :-)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sounds like a wild damn time, Gledds.

Gledwood said...

Kind of... first day in ages I've spent all afternoon drinking...
... didn't feel too clever this morning but wasn't hung over either ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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