HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Waiting for da man

MY MUM SAW ME YESTERDAY.

Note the phrasing. I didn't see my Mum. We were there together. She saw me.
She said I reminded her of when she first saw me on the gear, about 5 years ago. Lank hair. Pushed self into shower. Probably nowhere near as clean as I'd have liked to think. Pinpoint pupils. The B ain't that good, but it's chock full of benzos. (I know this because I tested my piss.) I felt Valium'd out of my brainbox.

It's interesting that she rang my druggiworker in despair. I do not feel that she forced my hand in this, as I was planning to steam in and tell the unacceptable truth about me and my addiction and this crappy methadone ANYHOW.

This is me on methadone. No showering. Barely bothering to do anything, unless absolutely essentual it's done NOW.

Endless depresssion. Aged 10 I was depressed enough to believe I was dying. I have never felt the same, ever again. Parents' divorce. Parents' remarriage. Both parties wanted me to live with them. I loved my Mum. But my Dad's was the place to be. Had I insisted on going with Mum I would have torn my family apart. How selfish would that be?

I am still depressed. Clinic barely ever ask why. I could go on. Suffice it to say, if this is "therapy" it ain't working on me. I do WAY better on heroin. Sad, you may think. But true. Absolutely 100% true.

I wish it weren't that way. But that's how it is.

The could-be's, should-be's, ought-to-be's. All these I have pondered and indulged. I "should" feel some other way. "Should" do it that other way. I have tried and tried. It just does not work.

If only somebody in power would put forward a therapy that actually works. I'm not talking 1 and 2 year habits where methadone might work. Subutex might well work. I'm talking decades lost to ineffectual methadone. And every spare penny STILL going on gear. If methadone worked so well, no-one would feel the need to use on top. Ever.

Such drugs are out there. The government just do not have the balls to give effective Therapy. Injectable diamorphine. Morphine tablets. Morphine and hydromorphone (dilaudid) amps are also available. Somebody, somewhere, use some imagination. PLEASE!

Rant over.

I despair. I look like a homeless. Lank, greasy, dirty. Haven't been near a laundrette in over a month. Yes a lot of this is down to me. But a half-decent therapy might push me half-way to "normality". The other half would of course be up to me.

Opinions, please! Just say what you think. I'm sure a lot of you disapprove anyhow... :-(

:-) I'm waiting on da man for a G. He's taking ages.

VELVET UNDERGROUND: I'M WAITING FOR THE MAN

9 comments:

Baino said...

Well if you're gonna be an addict at least be a clean one. Soap and water costs zip!

Gledwood said...

PRECISELY

Washed my hair tonight, waiting for dealer. Felt wonderful ;-)

Not washing is a lack of self-respect. That simple :-(

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

So much in life requires huge amounts of self discipline and also the true will to do or not do things.
You are the guy in charge. Nobody can really "make" one do something he has no desire to do, unless imposed upon.
Then there's the will of the mind as well as the body and sometimes they oppose each other.
I love The Velvet Underground and Nico.
I'm rambling, anyway I only wish you the best and only you have the answers.
Take good care,

Jeannie said...

I hear your frustration. You desperately need help but I'm not so sure there's a magic pill for you. I'm not so sure that someone else can fix you. Other addictive drugs will just change the focus of your addiction won't it? Perhaps you will have a legally prescribed addiction (and maybe that's puts you financially better there as I think your prescriptions cost very little personally don't they?) but you still won't be free.

Gledwood said...

Taffetaf: Someone tole me noone stops heroin because they don't like it any more. It's far too nice ever to stsop liking. That would be like going off Chinese takeaway or chocolate. Ain't gonna happen. What does hapen is the balance shifts where the cons outway the pros, THIS is why people stop

Jeannie: I'm getting another appt. with my worker. Perhaps soemthing with come of it this time. For once. For once. I'm fed up of the constant bullshit, being expected to say what you're expected to say etc etc. Well I'm telling TRUTH this time and they can love me or loathe me for that. I want to change my legal prescription, the one I'm on just ain't working for me. If I can't even be bothered to shower on methadone, methadone in't working. Maybe Subutex or something would be way better

Gattina said...

It looks like if you are sitting in a deep dark hole again.
The only help you can get is from you. Just listen to that naughty little boy who lives inside you and who wants to eat too much herorin chocolate, and drink too much beer coke, doesn't wash himself and always fights with you the father !
Be a little more severe with that boy ! tell him not too eat this fat chocolate but rather fruits,to wash because you can't stand the smell anymore and see what happens !
You are the adult ! you have to educate, help and watch over this little boy in you !!
Just think you were a good father ! So far you had been a very bad one, always running away !

Akelamalu said...

I'm sorry to say this Gleds but you only have yourself to blame and only you can get yourself out of the shithole you're in.

Lots of people have their parents break up and other touch shit happen but they don't resort to drugs. :(

Tori said...

I have spent many months talking to addicts who are currently not using and a few who still are. I honestly don't think that your wanting or using drugs has anything to do with your Parents Divorce, etc. If it did then I would be an addict and so would many people that are not. I also don't know that anyone's child hood no matter how bad it was can honestly say they are addicted because of it. Face it there are too many Adults who had way worse a childhood then we can even imagine that do not use.

After my endless rounds of therapy and speaking to addicts this is my own theory. People use drugs or start using because they feel insecure, unloved, inferior or want to belong some however once they try it get addicted. I started some treatment on my son called neuro feedback. It works the front lobal (something like that) and makes it stronger. The way they explained it to me it was a muscle that didn't quite develope properly and exercising will help it. Again nothing to do with his childhood but nothing that was his fault either. However, it can't be done unless you are clean (even weed) because drugs continue to weaken it. My son was completely clean at the end of 2008 (before he got involved with the hard stuff) and I asked him if he would do it. Cause he really liked the therapist he said he would. During the 4 weeeks he did it, he slept through the night with no nightmares and not having to smoke to go to sleep, had way less anxiety and was doing amazing, actually stayed home much more than ever and would even play games with his younger borther AND even eat dinner with us. He was a different person, but just having turned 18 he was not quite ready to live the life of sobriety so the Therapist refused to do it any longer untill my son was ready to stay sober since about the 4th wk he started using again. My son STILL talks about how great he felt while he was doing that treatment. It just convinced me that addicts are people with depression may have a part of their brain that is not as strong as non users or users who can stay sober for that matter. Not that I am giving you an excuse but maybe you could stop feeling sorry for yourself or childhood cause damn it's over get on with it and get down to the real issue of what is currently your issue.

It makes me sad that you say you feel better when you use it, but it makes sense. You are running from something and that helps you. My Therapist (that treated my son) told me when I was crying because I kicked him out and he refused rehab told me this, "There are always going to be some people who will spend more time pitying themselves and depressed then the energy to be happy, and there are some people who would rather die than live without drugs." It hurts like hell to think my son could be one of those, but it is up to him to get help (which there is plenty out there) with his drugs, derpression, etc. Some times you have to keep trying over and over again -

From the bottom of my heart, I hope that you can stay strong and be happy but like they all say, it is up to you. And you have to believe that you are worth it.

My post was way too long and they wouldn't accept it so I had to erase a lot. I hope that this makes sense and by no means was any of this meant to make you feel bad.

Lady Anon said...

Gledwood...I think heroin gives us structure in life.....its predictable...stable, reliable(usually!!). You know where you will be & what you will be doing....At what time...and why.

Once you have wrapped yourself in this system its hardhardhardHARD to get back into other more 'natural' rhythms.

Like showering

Like washing your clothes

Like going to the supermarket

(again & again & again & again)

But you need those things to replace heroin rhythm.

Otherwise.......you are suspended between the two worlds!! We are ghosts!

with methadone, there is no structure left..no rituals...time expands and life tries to rush in....the future...the past..and we don't want that so we REFUSE to let it.

And then we return to heroin...and suspended time...

XXxXxxXXxX

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood