HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Too much talk and no drugs!

I HAVE DECIDED that I talk too much. I am wasting my energy and giving nothing to anyone. Just boring them. So I’m giving up talking.
No heroin.
I missed NA last night
because I was at a flat full of junkies. Hard-faced junkies. They smoke heroin on a crack bottle. Why would you want to do that? They smoked and smoked away. Nobody offered me a pipe on the crack they were doing like there was no tomorrow. Not in a million years would I have accepted. Crack without heroin is like butter without bread. Sugar without tea. Paint without a wall to go on. Useless. And that is why I don't do it anyway (the central uselessness of it, wether or not proper "B" is also there). But it would have been nice to have been asked. Also when these two came in they never said hello, it was instant dislike from word go. I never said hello to them either. One came in talking about a “drum”, which is burglary. This particular crime raises my hackles. I’m talking about domestic burglary more than commercial. Maybe that showed all over my face and put frost in the air. Who cares anyway.
Yes they had “heroin” but there was barely anything in it. 10% of the normal strength, if that. I’m on methadone. I have a constant level to measure against. I’m telling these people they’re being ripped off and they don’t like to hear it.
Also I don’t think they like the way I say I’m not interested, really can do without. I had on me £20 I’m not spending on drugs though I don't think they saw it; I say how I could do with a Valium, but I will not buy them. Because I don’t like the person selling them, will not give him my money and cannot be bothered to walk five minutes out of my way for it. I really felt like a Valium too because I felt ragged as hell. I shlucked back seven or eight cans (White Star, 0.5L, 7.5% if you really want to know how much I drink). This is far more than usual (these days). I used to get alcoholic blackouts, so I must have been drinking quite a lot. I often still drink for breakfast, but by late evening I’m soberer than most judges. (Which probably isn’t saying much.)
Sometimes, these days, I’d rather have a cup of tea.
But these people, I don’t have a downer on them personally just because not all of us got on; I’m thinking of them more as “types” ~ just go on and on and on taking crack, rubbishy heroin they’re incinerating on pipes (getting even less than they paid for, less than you get off tinfoil even, which is about half). Take any drug they can get and pay for. Or steal. Or take on “bail” (which is just a stupid way of saying tick). Drugs drugs drugs. And endless prison talk.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m as severely addicted to heroin as it is possible to be. In my worst days I needed heroin to sleep, to continue sleeping, to get up, to get through the day. And most especially, to eat. Without heroin life was intolerable, and still is utterly meaningless. Heroin was and still is interwoven into the very fabric of existence. I am a needle-wielding junkie.). If my body lets me down and I am determined to fix up I will happily spend an hour or more and I will find a vein that behaves. I will go in my groin when I have to (when meaning times future, not now. The deep femoral vein, which is on each side, by the crook of your top thigh. That is your groin. Girls as well as boys can do it. There I will go if I have to. I just don’t wanna stick a whacking great needle straight in (straight down, not at an angle, like a plane taking off) straight in the top of my leg. It’s horrible. But I will do it if I carry on. I have will power. I have will. And I have will not to continue the road I have gone so far down. If you’re wondering why I waver so annoyingly, all through life, that’s the nature of the beast. Heroin is life. It doesn’t feel dirty or sordid. It feels fluffy and clean as fresh towels. Everything is OK. When I used to be on it most intensely, the hit in the evening especially, when I came back sodden and rattling with change after begging for hours, was like life itself flooding back into me.
I came home with some. Got 0.1g for £5. Was complained at for getting “good deal” (it’s not a good deal, it is the bare minimum weight you should get for £5).
I didn’t use it. I fell asleep. Slept through the ordinary time I’d take my methadone (5am, so when I get up at 7:30 or 8 it’s full-on). Woke at 6:35 feeling like a block of ice. That’s about how bad withdrawal gets on methadone. It’s not sickness as such, just a lull in the body’s methadone level. And it is natural to feel cold in winter. Perhaps not with the heating on.
I don’t even know what normality is now.I do know that if I have methadone, I never wake up feeling cold.
Anyway I went for my drink. The walk got my blood moving a bit. Nothing to do with feeling healthy and warm. I wanted to bring a vein up. Got the vein more than an hour later, when on Everybody Loves Raymond, Deborah was being arrested for drunk driving, even though she just fell asleep at the wheel, waiting for a lift from mad lady’s bridal shower. This is the 2nd time I’ve seen that episode in a year.
I couldn’t tell whether I just missed or the “heroin” was rubbish. Bit of both. I did feel better 10 mins later, so there was something in it. I drank my methadone after 10am. Spent £10 on American (second hand) hardback Andy Warhol Diaries, not heroin. I’ve only been ringing one dealer who I know won’t answer.
I will not ring around asking and sounding desperate. No, no. Yesterday evening occurred after HE rang ME.
Phone rang twice today. First time ,I ignored it. Second time, a withheld number. O no, if it was a dealer I knew which one it was and all I could think of was the hassle of testing (free ~ of course) gear for him. No no no. If he’d wanted to sell it, I’m not sure I had the right money and haven’t looked. And didn’t want to be bothered walking to post office. No. Even if the drought gets better I cannot see that it’ll be proper stuff straight away. People will think it’s pukka because it’s strong and new and wow, actually has more than 2% purity. But I bet it will be weak. I’m getting far more money’s worth out of Andy Warhol. Though I gave up skimming it a couple of hours ago when the urge to die just engulfed me too much. I feel profoundly miserable and now I’m in bed.
Why do people hide in an alley, till a woman in high heels comes clopping through, and then rape and murder her and dispose of her body in mysterious ways? I always wondered why people do that. Is it because there’s nothing good on telly?
Must run. Cyder bottle empty.

Having Pakistani takeaway tonight. Not from tandoori house; from Iceland. Their Chinese chicken satay (masala-style, not on sticks) (£1.50) is really nice with their own chicken fried rice (£1.50) or egg fried rice (£1) ~ especially after an MSG overdose has been stirred into it, to make it especially “Chinese”. I’m trying the Pakistani without. Chicken bhuna (£1.50) and pilau rice (£1). Indian restaurant standards in the UK are far higher than Chinese, so the bar is high. But their satay chicken egg fry rice + MSG (1-2 large pinches in each container, stirred well and left at least 5 mins) is far better value + nicer than the local Chinese takeaway. + the staff don’t talk over your head assuming you don’t know they’re calling you a deadbeat smackhead. I know when I’m being talked about. Must ping. Pilau rice ready for oven.
Think I'm gonna try this one without MSG.


Syd said...

It would have been much better to have gone to the NA meeting. I think that you are a good guy but you are fucking yourself up to the point where there may be no turning back. I'm sorry that you are doing that.

Gledwood said...

I know. Don't worry I will never die. Everybody who doesn't think I am a waste of space tells me I am here for a reason



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood