I WOKE UP TODAY, late. In misery, bordering on despair. I had the darkest thoughts. Couldn't move myself for an hour, 2 hours. It felt like all day. Then the phone rang. FREEBIE! It was way better than anything I remember. Of course, standards have fallen.
That makes it v hard to give marks out of 10. Isn't it best; it's not as good as it was, but it's way better than what's been around. That's the best. B is a long-term business. Customers come back and back and back, over years.
That is what certain kiddie "shotters" (as they call themselves) need to understand. Just because someone glides past on a mountainbike. Nobody hands over £10 without a sample. If the gear is shyte or the bags are small, nobody comes back, except as a last resort. Trying heroin is a foolish thing to do. That doesn't mean addicts are fools. Addicts are stuck in addiction. If you're spending as much as many of us do, you want the best possible deal: Basic human nature!
I can give an example. Someone I have known for ages passed his phone over to someone else, who is full of smoothtalk and slang (even American slang, he said something to me I couldn't catch. Afterwards I realized he was probably saying "it's fire, innit?" (v. good). Well no, it was not extraordinarily satisfactory at all! Not "fire" as nobody says (do they?) this side of New Jersey! This guy, who sounds all smooth over the phone, was telling me it's "peng" (strong) ... etc etc etc. My feeling was right. He does not know what he is talking about. And his bags are well undersized. Everyone else says this too. Great way to lose all your customers. Put someone like that in charge.
If this seems a mush, o man... you really have to realize I was so so tired and woke up feeling like I'd fallen off a horse/bike/giraffe. Acheing all over. That's why a good 25 comments built at the DROUGHT NEWS: HERE.
RE this morning's comments on the heroin drought post, can I add, if you can't find any new ones it's because numbers have exceeded 200. At the very bottom of the form are words to click on: "newer/newest" that's how I got to them. Moderation is staying on, not as censorship, but so I know what people are saying. I cannot reply to every single person individually. I do very much appreciate that y'all have come here.
I am going to post this quickly, else it will never get done.
I am irritated with the government, for giving me and so many of us methadone. Yes it's FAR better than nothing, but still nowhere near as good as something else. Theoretically, "substitution therapy", as they call it, could involve any of the vast pharmacopea of opiates and opioids. Dilaudid/hydromorphone, "oxy", pethidine, morphine... fentanyl even (patches, lollies)... up to IV diamorphine. Yes it might be giving addicts a free fix or non-injectable pill. But what is worst? Rampant shoplifting and crime or cutting the dealers' market off? Making addicts suffer just does not work. To those not ready to give up, it just sends a personal message "I will never let this happen to me again". And when you're lost in addiction you tend to do that by carrying on using.
I don't want to go into just how bad I feel sometimes, because I know lots out there are suffering also. Suffice it to say: I really do find it difficult.
If only they could change the medication (not necessarily to an injectable) it might be x100 easier to stick to a script.
Me and Pads are waiting on a G, hoping it will come fast. The gear's not "normal" but it's far better than "TCP", not full of sedatives, doesn't block a works. I saw it, I know. What it does do is go cloudy on a foil (makes you cough), looks like orange juice in a works.
Re: being clean. I despair. I felt so bad this morning. Suicidally bad. I feel torn in two, it's never been this dire. Knowing I'm blogging to say what I think and feel, yet not wanting to (appear to) give blessing to some dangerous idea someone else might be contemplating.
I feel I have a moral responsibility to help or save from harm, not condemn. There are plenty others out there doing the condemnation.
Da man is taking ages.
Sorry to my friends who know me from before who are more used to a higher hamsters than herion quotient. There is crisis here. I am only doing what I think I can do to help.
(And what else can I do.)
Gotta dash. Alcohol-glugging way down. Which is v good, considering it's a Monday (drink day).
Illustrated: fake-looking B
Profiles in Recovery - I will write something "real" soon... but in the mean time there is this. It's "real" but it's recycled. Lol Much love and care to all.... Annette
16 minutes ago