HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, November 19, 2010

When are you coming round again?

She wrote, or at least co-wrote this.

Please, Sister Morphine, when are you coming round again?


It is the evening of the day
I sit and watch the children play
Doing things I used to do
But not with you
I sit and watch as tears go by...

This is a more recent recording, when she truly understood the meaning of those words.
Nothing to watch. Is that the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem?

WELL THIS IS DEPRESSING. I wrote a long post on Things You Can Do In A Crisis
, banging on about ways of detoxing, treatments, options, clinics, psych clinics but it goes on and on and sounds preachy, and I don't know if anyone would want to read it. I know I should post it up. It's not meant to be preaching, just a collection of ideas and some phone numbers. I don't know. Don't know. Don't know and do care. The thought of people sick and desperate out there was doing my brainbox in last night. Big time.

{The post is a dog's dinner!}

How long is it now? I have not bothered phoning anyone. Even on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/when was it? They texted me. Then the idea gnawed away at me until I phoned. Even then I hesistated saying I'll think about it. Dealer knew exactly what I meant. Could tell by my tone of voice I wasn't too bothered. When I saw him, his phone was going mental. So some comment I left about them making less money, even that's untrue. O how sad. I was hoping sales would go down on crack, but even that's not necessarily true. When I still did it, I wouldn't do crack without "smack". Lots of people would. So these bastards are still making money, out of thin air!

(And things that go blue on foil and things containing all manner of bashed-up God knows what... In the 2002 drought there was stuff called "the oil slick gear". I thought I'd left the old filter in by accident (was v scrupulous like that, back then). Something floating in it. Fished it out. The strong smell of myrrh ~ yes, as in gold, frankincense and... ~ was coming up. This was myrrh resin. And someone had cut multiple kilos with it, because it was all over the country from Birmingham to East Anglia. Someone must have walked into the bourgeois herbalist's and said "gimme some resin man, I need it for me B" and they said "resin? What resin? We have this wonderful myrrh. Look how golden brown it is. Just pestle and mortar it and it'll go down a treat."Yeammon, gimme dat, me gotta lotta B to jump on." Resin in gear. What the..!! Resin makes gear stick in the works. It is not good. If you have to stamp all over it, sugar is safer. Gloopy, but safer.) This paragraph was added later so back to :

CRAVING! Why why why is it eating at me the way it is? I feel like I'm being eaten from the insides out. I took more syrup just now. That might stop me. Might not, but it might just. I thought I felt OK earlier. There is food here. I don't want to eat it. It's not curry. Not Chinese. Spice is what I want. I can't be sick then. Spicy food + dying sick do not go together. Even spicy food + methadone not working full-on = no. I used to have big troubles surrounding gear and food. Hitting up by fridge, tearing into cooked chicken legs like Attila the Hun. Not good. Wasn't thin. Wasn't fat. But could barely eat without gear. That made rehab really difficult. Never known anyone with a problem like that. When heroin and food become intermixed, the person is usually female: girls tend to use gear not to eat. With me it suddenly gave din-dins 10 times more savour. (Never worked with sweets.) It took a long time to get round that one.

Is it normal to feel so torn? When I decide to do it (something non-sobriety-related, it has to be) I still have the gumption to do anything I really want to. If someone crosses me I will let hell freeze over before I give in or let them get the better of me again. (I am thinking in particular of my former druggieworker, Maple Syrup. I called her this bc I could never remember her name. Loathed the bitch, and sacked her. But it took a whole year for open hostilities to develop.) She thought I was weak-willed and could get the better of me. Really didn't know me.

I have heard of people testing opiate-negative (comments on this blog). If this is so, you are clean and free and very fortunate. I know it doesn't always feel like that, but it's true.

I have also heard there is a huge premium on Subutex on the street. I have never heard of people buying Subutex. I would have quite liked some at one time... But that's another story. My own involvement with Subutex was not pretty. Took it. Thought I was doing really well. Everyone thought I was doing really well. (Makes you feel clean.) Decided to cheat, hitting up gear in a bush. It was in a remote corner of a park, where no-one would have found me for a long time if I'd died. I did this a few times, waking each time about 4 hours later, cross eyes, barely able to walk in a straight line. Then I hit up where I was staying. BANG! Down like a felled tree. Straight down. Straight Girl went nuts. Not pretty, not at all. I had been overdosing every day. Or at least a borderline overdose. Maybe in that bush, an angel was giving me artificial respiration. The gear and the doses were the same on each occasion. As was the 4-hour unconsciousness, followed by extreme bleariness. On me, Subutex kicked most of my habit off my brain, so I could take a third of a ten pound bag and be happy. On two thirds was out of my tree, even a fortnight later. I don't know if I'm unusually sensitive to it, but anyone on the buprenorphine, be careful! Anyone testing opiate-clean, be ultra careful! If you really are opiate clean, just remember this is hard-won. How far back do you really want to go? See preaching again.

Well I have garbled on enough now. I'm off! Take care everyone.

The HEROIN DROUGHT POST with all the news in the comments is here.


Baino said...

OK sounds perfectly normal to me but you can't do this on your own. You still have a drug worker? Make sure their number is in your phone and talk to them when you feel like this. I was disappointed that you actually used yesterday knowing full well that the shit could have anything in it. I don't know what advice was in your post but yes, coming from you it could sound a little preachy then hey,you know what you're talking about. As far as eating goes, try something that will last a while, apples or a bowl of soup just to take the edge off and keep the nutrition up. Keep on it Gleds, you won't get an opportunity like this again even if it hurts. Most importantly, seek support. We had a drought here in 2007 and surprisingly, usage went down, ODs went down and only a slight rise in the use of crack. (Go read your bloody email, I put it in there). I am not a religious person but if I was, I'd be banging out prayers left right and centre, use this to get clean. I still want to see "Recovering Heroin Addict" under your masthead. Oh, Subutex is supposede to be OK for preventing the high but I don't see how it curbs the need. Check out casualty if you need to.

Gledwood said...

I used Wednesday, but posted yesterday.
It really did my head in when that dealer got in touch. He could tell, and sounded guilty about everything.

I know how they justify it to themselves. "They want to do it, so I'll let them." Also it probably works a bit like addiction. If the contact is there, you want to use it. Not everyone knows where to go to get wholesale gear (if they did it wouldn't be so awful now).

I took more juice. I split doses anyway. Much better than going 24 hours on a peak and trough. I am surprised that with surely nearly clean blood I can still feel that 12-hour mini-trough, but ho hum!

I looked and looked for your email before but could not find it. I spent maybe an hour over 3 occasions carefully going through them all. I will look again.

Did you know Subutex does make most of the craving go. It's the obsessivene ritualisticness it can't get to as effectively. And the feeling of being bereft without "B". Not physical craving, but an emotional thing, like when someone dies and you can only think of the good times. It's v deceptive like that.

I do appreciate your commenting. It's hard for a normal person to do. I think a lot of people feel out of their depth in the present deluge, not knowing what to say.

Lady Anon said...

Hi, same here, craving, craving...and annoyed at myself for craving shit....but still craving...

...my straight flatmate has invited long-lost schoolfriend over for dinner and it is so unbearably normal and nice and half of me wants to go fuck it, join in. Talk, maybe drink wine. But the darker half is saying...wait...you may be able to get some later, the miracle guy is trying to sort something. You may be alright...

So I'm on my computer, balancing in the middle, don't want to commit to a normal evening, don't want to hope for some gear instead...

..oh, and I totally get the heroin/food thing, on juice I don't want to eat/drink anything, on heroin I LOVE food. Mature cheddar cheese and bread, cake. Its like I only work inside when I am on it...

Anyway, thanks for the post...good luck with your spicy fix (sounds well dangerous innit!)

Gledwood said...

I would like to advise go do the normality but I know how you feel.
Spicy fix. You know what I am so cydered out I could actually do with a cup of TEA. Gotta go get the milk though.
Be good, hahaha!!

e said...

Dear Gleds,

I worry about you dying one day...
I would call your drugs worker and anyone else you trust who won't feed you drugs, and talk...

The other thing you can do is as Baino suggested and keep your nutrition on the right track, and if there's no-one around, write, about feelings, cravings, whatever. You surely must have a guardian angel...

Sorry to sound like I'm preaching, I know it's the worst to try and kick...Don't give up!

Gledwood said...

I'm OK, really. Physically I am fine. I get terrified some impressionable kid will read something and get the wrong idea. That is why I keep checking myself. I don't want anyone to die either! I know what it is like to cry over someone who is alive and you are so terrified they will OD or whatever. I just cannot worry about myself like that. I don't think anyone ever does.

I'm eating OK. Takeaway, as in frozen supermarket takeout containers that go in the oven. Loads of those. Not too expensive. I spent £12.50 on drugs this week, a record low!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood