HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Under a bridge

WHAT DAY IS IT? Isn't it Thursday?

What have I done since Monday?

Used B+. That is, benzoated B (real B + benzos). Really yummmy, it has to be said. By favourite cocktail. Intravenous heroin + mystical sedatives.

These sedatives, I should add are NOT pills emptied into the B. Benzo pills have stuff in them that turns the resulting concoction into a viscous gloop. This stuff is probably added in Afghanistan, produced in Turkmenistan, Tajikistan/wherever, and added NEAT.

I'm can't say too much, far too woozy.

Well I've well and truly fallen off the waggon.

Eastenders is blaring in the distance. The dealer won't be by until this is finished.

I had a couple of goes at my groin earlier but was over-cautious (too far from the dangerous artery). So got noting.Sticking the needle in there wasn't as nasty as I'd imagined. Going in my groing was always a bridge too far, before.

Sorry to disappoint my friends. This is how I feel. Nihilistic. Sad (yes of course). And yet true.

Why can I not be like a n ordinary member of society. One who contributes more than he scrounges.

As for "scrounging". My American friend Pascal told me straight: if you were American, you'd be shacked up under a bridge now. And I know he's right. No question.

So this is it for today.

Take care, everyone.

12 comments:

Jeannie said...

We all want to feel good buddy. We all just go about it a different way.

Vincent said...

I'm not disappointed mate. I know you're trying. I hope you'll sleep well tonight and feel better tomorrow.

Take care,
V.

Skidaddle said...

Just to cheer you up there's a Marianne Faithfull film on BBC2 this evening (Friday), ten to midnight, Irina Palm.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

There'll always be days like this but in between, some brighter days.
I know that life is tough and you got to be tougher than it.
Wishing you very well.

Baino said...

Hey I'm on gabber with a 23 year old smoker. WTF. You're doing the groin. What's left? Man you pull at my heart strings. Yes I'm disappointed but not surprised, never surprised. Love you anyway. Email me please.

Syd said...

I am wishing better times for you.

Akelamalu said...

Oh well as the first of the Reiki Precepts says

"Just for today..."

Try again tomorrow eh Gleds?

Lady Anon said...

Well...Gledwood. You are a very useful member of junky society!!!

I was thinking of testing my pee...just to see what it is that I've been buying...!

BTW Reiki. Invented for addicts or what?

That quote sounds like something I say when quitting....did the japanese have opium?

Anyway,

Love to all

XxxXxx

Alice said...

i fell off too, but nothing i great up hetre yet...how is there? good or is it the benzos that your happy with? lol take care glen...good times ahead xx

Anonymous said...

Hello,
Happy You're Happy Gledwood!
I've always had a thing for Benzo's.
I didn't know You could get what you're talking about, sounds interesting!
I have always said that I won't go in My Groin, Have not been there yet...
Have a Good One,
CJ

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: precisely

VINCE: TShould be trying harder though. So should the clininc

SKIDADDLE: saw it, Brilliant! Cheers ;-)

TAFETTA: tougher than heroin is a TALL, tall order!

BAINO: never got it in there, so far,,,, so cautious and it's DANGEROUS to hit the wrong bit, hence the extreme caution. I'll email tomorrow. Exhausted. Love you too. And thanks for everything

SYD: thanks Syd. Sorry to you and everyone I don't go visiting as much as I should. I'm utterly bushed. Really really tired like you would not believe. Please don't take it personally I really do appreciate your comments

AKELAMALU: aye. Have you ever had reiki through the head, front to back? That's just like drugs. Amazing! Dunno what it does, but I felt it STRONG!

LADY ANON: opium was a Chinese more than Japanee thing. There's a link under "international drugs info" how Japan got rid of heorin 100% (ish) in 1972. Prostitutes tied to beds by pimps forced to detox. It's a way of doing it. But downers never been a bit part of Japanese culture. They're more into uppers. Ever seen Japanese girls on ecstasy? Hilarious/cute!!

ALICE: benzoated gear. Definitely B, but benzos 2. Tested my wee. No Valium/etc 2 weeks, yet benzo positive ~ says it all ;-)

CJ: I don't want to go in my groin. Never got the vein. But sticking needle in there nowhere near as horrible as imagined. I DO NOT RECOEMMEND ANYONE TRY THIS IT'S SHEER DESPERATION. I AM A DESPERATE, DESPERATE JUNKIE. I make no bones about the fact. I have it bad. People saw that right from word go. Nasty bueinsss.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND IF YOU CAN. IF IT CAN'T BE GREAT MAY IT BE TOLERABLE ;-)

:

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE ~ PRECISELY.

YEAH I KNOW I'VE ANSWERED THESE BEFORE BUT I WANNA SPEAK AGAIN

VINCE all this claptrap about people "fighting heroin" is bullshit. For the greater part of their using, addicts willingly use and love it. The fighting comes only at the very end when life is utterly intolerable and death is the preferred option

SKIDADDLE great name btw. I saw Marianne wasn't she a great actress. Far far better than expected. Why don't Eastenders give her a part she'd be fantastic as a "cultured" gangster

TAFFETA wise words, but am I ever truly tougher? I don't know. I won't be childish and say what's on my mind. Nihilistic thoughts today.

BAINO I looked closely into what to do. Know people who've gone so much they have holes deep enough to stick a finger in. I always said that was a bridge too far but I just do not care any more. The sooner my end comes the better. Sad but true. I never hit my groin as I was too cautious about the artery that's right next to it and the siatic nerve the other side. Sticking a whacking blue needle in didn't hurt anything like as much as imagined, so that's the way foward, for better or worse. I'm guilty for telling you this because you love me. But wuld you love me more if I lied to you? So fucking difficult. I just need a hug. Or a doggie to hug. Not some bitch nagging in my ear. A lovely furry golden doggie who loves me unconditionally. I've had it with people. If I wanted sex that much I'd go and whore myself for money. At least I'd get free gear into the bargain. Probably too old, but it's all in the techique, as you know.
I can't believe I'm chattering on like this, My poor family. Sorry.
Now you see how far I've fallen.
I feel more desperate than I have in a v long while. Haven't paid rent for 6 weeks. If they chuck me out it's minus 5. Hopefully hypothermia will kill me. My landlord the council can get fucked. Heroin comes first, always will. If that clinic gave the proper shit I'd not be in this mess. I'd never use on top of a diamorph script. Certainly never swap or sell. I might be crazy but I'm not crazy enough to swap food of the gods for crappy Afghan brown. No no no. So Bains to go on. You've been a real friend. Not many of THEM about as well you know. I just wish I could be a frieind to you when you needed it

SYD a forlorn hope but thank you

AKELAMALU is that really reiki? When they forced it through my head, front to back, it was like gear or crack, some dstrong crack. You've been a true friend too. i'm just sorry I've exasperated you. And been so childish.If I coul say what I was thiinking now how it would seem childish beyond words and a sad cry for help

LADY ANON Lady, where have you gone? What happened 2u? Are you OK. PLEASE GET IN TOUCH: EMAIL..Bushed out by work? please email me, likewise CJ PLEASE EMAIL TOO: hammynutter@lycos.com pls NB my trackrecord with email is not good, even my own family have been caused great offence. If you send something and it seems not 2 get thru, please SEND A COMMENT telling me to check carefully and I will look closely through all my 100s of spam and 2 friends

Reiki has nothing to do with addiction. It's a traditional ancient Japanese remedy. I don'tknow about healing, but it certainly makes u feel good. Acupuncture might be better, re-aligns those haywire NRGcentres all over!

CJ CJ please get back to me i WANT TO TALK TO YOU. GOTTA GO. BENZOATED GEAR CANING MY BRAIN.

PEACE LOVE UNITY RESPECT TO ALL.

bet this full of spelling mistakes and rudely leaves at least one person out. i don't play favourites id i don't answer you it's usually v late and i'm seriously tired. i'm on sickness benefit for good reason i find it really hard somtimes please respect this people. Many thanks, all

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood