HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Der der der!

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR'S determined to walk out with a party-pack of drugs and indeed I did. The stingy cow only prescribed 14 zopiclone and this after trying to fob me off with ANTIDEPRESSANT and questioning me over and over why I still can't sleep on risperidone. True answer: because I stopped taking it soon as I went into an "elevated mood" (I wanted it as "elevated" as possible, obviously). But even when I do take it, antipsychotics only keep you sleeping longer once you ARE asleep. They don't knock you out. She cannot pretend not to understand this elementary fact because in anaesthesiology different agents are used to produce and sustain unconsciousness. Zopiclone produces it (far better than any benzo ever did); risperidone prolongs it... I also got antifungal for my nasty feet. Plus loads of yummy risperidone. She said "oh well done well done!" when I confessed to having given up drink. I haven't even craved a drop since I quit. Then I questioned her about free nicotine replacement and she said I shouldn't do smoking cessation right now; I'm taking too much on. Ha ha! I'm getting a free script for this nicotine spray that goes right up the nose like coke. Surely that would give me the best hit.

O man I've run out of money ALREADY I so need to borrow a tenner of somebody. I bet my stingy friends will pretend to be out, then call each other up warning that I'm coming round when I go on the warpath for dosh.

This amazing tune is going around and around in my head. It goes something like this DER DER DER DER DER. I'm desperate to find out the title. Can anybody PLEASE help me. And after that first phrase there's a twiddly bit: DER DIDDLY DIDDLEY DE-DER-DER-DER then more DER DER DER DER DA DER!


ALSO if anyone can lend me a tenner I'd be most gtrateful.

My screaming trots have gone, thank the LORD . My body is tired ore tewwwwwwww kjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil

I'm falling asleep at the screen and I'm not on drugs. I have to go now cheerio people ;-).......

this is a rather over the top performance and she keeps going off the proper tune but hey it's "inspirational". Is Babs a Liverpool FC supporter then??


PS the London rioters are supposedly NOT just street gangs but persons of all creeds, colours and ages. Including primary school teachers and social workers! Mayor Boris Johnson says they will "bitterly regret their actions" when they are punished with the full force of the feeble British law!


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Sounds like "The Archers" theme tune to me, Gleds!

Gledwood said...


Akelamalu said...

I echo what your doc said - WEll DONE for giving up the drink. x

Gledwood said...

not another drop!

you know i only crave it when i'm thirsty!!

i never truly liked the taste of the crap i drank, i only knocked it back because it was a poor substitute for heroin

i've never been into binge drinking, never liked drink culture, do not feel at home in pubs and dislike drunkenness, so what the hell i was doing drinking i've no idea! just shows where addiction takes you ~ places you never intended to be!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood