HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

HOT HOT HOT


I SEE DESHANE my support worker tomorrow. He mentioned two possibilities. I can move back to the inner city where I lived before. Surrounded by Jamaicans and Caribbean takeaway. Or onwards and upwards somewhere posher with wooded parkland and rich artists, pop stars and people like that. Which should I go for? 调和ulgar O shit I accidentally set this to Chinese... the vulgar shops (where I would shop) are a mere bus ride from Posh Park and I'm supposed to be getting a disabled pensioners' bus pass. Deshane is sorting that one too. I got 6xpassport pixx done today for £4. I look so YOUNG in these. Young and tanned. With hair the colour of nicotine stains (that did NOT photograph well).

I'm trying to get my friend Pinky (Perky's lesbian lover) to dye her hair purple. Schwarzkopf do an ultimate violet shade. I said I'd go for it too but she says no. Boring sow.



These are the woods near where a friend of mine used to live. They look a bit like the woods in Posh Park.

Now what d'you all think I should do? Move to the glamour of Posh Park? Or back to Jamaicaville? This is assuming I do HAVE any choice. I so hope I get to move please....

I've been in a soaring good mood today. Almost manic-like. Without the fratic racing thoughts and restlessness. I'm almost tempted not to take my meds tonight to see if I can get any higher... Know what I mean?

I hope you're all OK and not too HOT HOT HOT. It must have hit 90F today. SURELY.

Pinky owed me a £10er and paid me in a mobile phone. Brand new. I paid a £5er to get it unlocked. It works amazingly compared to the old phone that constantly blacked out and hung up on my callers...


I hope life's OK with you all...


BARBER'S ADAGIO FOR STRINGS BY TRINITY COLLEGE CHOIR, CAMBRIDGE
i have been looking for this for YEARS after I posted it up, then someone removed it from Youtube and it's back. The classic tune, set to video by Nasa... PLEASE WATCH IT
this is SUBLIME; a true classic
watch the video; it goes into outer space


RAVE 1992: A TRUE BLAST FROM THE PAST





8 comments:

Barbara said...

Wow, you have a tough choice to make. Let us know what you decide. I have not input on this one :)

bazvasenoid said...

think I would defo be swung by the posh park, nice to be close to green open space in all seasons. whilst you were writing the last post I was dyeing my hair with two boxes exactly the same as on your photo (well not exactly cus diff red . . but very good hair dye) got tonnes to get ready as off to Wales friday-10 days camping! very brave of me I think . . .then sometimes I daren't think . . . and I think, shit what am I doing? like how did all that get planned & booked/paid etc? must have at least 7 lists. I taking Laptop so can keep up. We paid for electric hook up so Its kinda posh camping. Toaster,kettle,mini fridge, fairy lights. big "lounge" & 2 bedrooms, spose I quite excited really. Sorry this is me rambling. Im pleased you still on the good side of things. De shane sounds helpful .I think it would be good for you to move. & spend somne time outdoors, is there any chance of a garden, balcony or window boxes even? The good bit is every time that you do use.. .You realise what a waste of money, time, effort etc it is. Your mind never changes on that, so thats good. I gotta get early night as had an extremely rare(thank God) hangover all day from celebrating my neices b'day with her last night till the early hours . . its ok for these young'uns . . .I've been a zombie all day & not ticked much off any list . .shit, I got so much to do. Anyway just happy you sound "alive"
with love
take good care
di
x

bazvasenoid said...

ps . . .Im not sure how I'm logged in as my son. but its Bugerlugs . . .obviously!
Sorry about that
x

bugerlugs63 said...

http://youtu.be/uhV4me_k8Y8

enjoy x

jams o donnell said...

I say give posh park a go

Gledwood said...

I think it's going to be the Posh Park IF IT'S STILL AVAILABLE WHICH IS NO GUARANTEE AT ALL. Ive already lived in Jamaicaville and it's OK but people live there bc they can't afford Posh Park if PP is being offered free i should really take it i'd be a fool not to also I think pp is really near the tube station... and MILES FROM MY OLD DRUG HAUNTS

WATCH MY BARBER'S ADAGIO NASA VIDEO IT'S AMAZING

On Sat I'm posting up some robo vids. Here's the swimming one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWzGRqqUkc0&feature=related

I don't approve though they do look tiny and furry and cute. (And stressed. And about to drown.)

YES if I move intoa mental house I GET A GARDEN my friend lives in one it's amazing. Really clean. I would keep it clean for others i just cannot clean for myself which some people cannot understand but it's hardly rocket science is it!

Have a good time yng Ngymru you know you can get 3 months broadband unlimited on t mobile for £40 and £30 for each subsequuent 3 months that's literally unlimited only youtubes stop playing between 4pm and midnight when u go over the "fair use" limit

Syd said...

I like the woods. Something serene about them. Good luck. All is well here.

Gledwood said...

YEAH I WANNA LIVE IN "POSH PARK" ~ MORE I THINK BOUT IT MORE I WANNA GO

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood