HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Tell Me What A Soul Is For?

STREISAND: WHERE IS IT WRITTEN? (YENTL)



this is a really good tune.
i'm not fulminating with rage this morning i slept from 1am till at least 4:30 so i'm doing really good i don't WANT to sleep any longer it will only bring me down.

Here is significance:~

There's not a morning I begin without
A thousand questions running through my mind,
That I don't try to find the reason
And the logic in the world that God designed.
The reason why
A bird was given wings,
If not to fly
And praise the sky
With ev'ry song it sings.
What's right or wrong.
Where I belong
Within the scheme of things.

And why have eyes that see and arms that reach
Unless you're meant to know there's something more?
If not to hunger for the meaning of it all.
Then tell me what a soul is for?
Why have the wings unless you're meant to fly?
And tell me please, why have a mind
If not to question why?



You see, I spent years killing my life-force, never succeeding and now this: it comes back with vengeance. Every problem in my life boils down to energy. Too little, too much. Or self-esteem: too little/too much. You may not know this about me but I know it: if I'd had money success and power at a young age I would have turned into a monster of arrogance.

I do not understand life. Why is everything, EVERY SINGLE THING that seems good or alluring or exciting, why does all of it turn to shit in my hands? I can't even be in a good mood without a doctor saying it's mania. And why when I truly felt higher than high, why then was my mind run away like quicksilver, like a beautiful starburst. Why did I have to be raving mad when all I thought I was was happy. Happy. For once in my life happy. You know I have been unhappy ever since my parents divorced when I was 8. It was that moment when my Dad told me he and my Mum were no longer together I felt darkness fall across the world. The sun never rose again. I have only ever felt happiness from drugs or mental illness. That's why I like being mentally ill. Wouldn't you rather be insane than live with the reality the utter unbearable horror of this world? It's not fair; I never asked to be born and I'm lumbered with the responsibility of staying alive and for what? If I thought it would help I would kill my family to spare them the pain. If I didn't know that was a sin I would do it. Those lost souls who kill their young children are not motivated by viciousness but mercy: they are sparing innocent lives the sadness to come. Multiple sadness, disappointment, heartache, unspeakable horror and pain. Why must we be born into this world to see these things? There is not a single thing worth seeing that would be better left unseen; there is nothing worth living, nothing worth surviving that would not be better unsurvived. King Solomon once said the happiest people are babies who never were born. Vanity vanity vanity. All is in vain.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

King Solomon also said "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man".

Syd said...

I disagree with you on all aspects of life being worthless. I have seen many glorious things. I have loved and been loved. I have known sadness and great pain, but it is all part of living. I accept that. I don't stay mired in the pain but look for what is good about people and life. Self-pity is about defeat. I stay out of self-pity as much as I can. I do those things that I enjoy and am with people who care and are uplifting. Just wanted to tell you that it is possible to truly relish this life.

Akelamalu said...

What Syd said.

Anonymous said...

If you don't fit into the rigid strictures of how society says you must feel or behave, then obviously you must be mad! I just think maybe you were born at the wrong time in history or perhaps into the wrong culture. In another time and place you would be lauded as a genius.
Think of the "rantings" of many great philosophers.
Maybe, in the words of Don McLean "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" (singing of Van Gogh of course)
But hang in there, because at some time in the future, society might just come to understand and accept the complex thoughts and philosophies inside your head that they currently reject.
You must blaze a trail for all who will come after you.
From Kiwigirl

Bimbimbie said...

Syd's right Gleds. We all question the whys of the world, we all see and feel differently that's what makes us the way we are. We can't control the ways of others we can only control the way we react. There's a lot of black in the world but there's so much more colour when you begin to look closer Start with playing some uplifting music. Go sit on a bench in the sun and watch the birds, look at the trees and sky and don't forget to write*!*

bugerlugs63 said...

I agree with all of the above. Am too tired from chilling in the sun, playing in the sea,eating dinner cooked on a fire, built in the woods high on a mountain side & watching a beautiful sunset across the estuary. There is much worth seeing . . .I actually wish you were here.
I hope none of my children go through half of the stuff I have been through. But if one day they are as content as I am now . . .well . .who knows?
The money is not worth getting angry over. Some bloke did it to me a month ago . . ."O Di, you know I wont let you down, you're a single mum with 3 kids to feed, I aint gonna skank you of all people. Shit man do you really think I'm that much of an arsehole?" . . . well no I dint think he was, but he was (£30 Gone!!) his fucking loss :-) you'll reap what you sowed that day . . .& so will he. Hope & pray you feel "happier" tomorrow.
love di
x

bugerlugs63 said...

http://youtu.be/7Axw_i0WxMk

Anonymous said...

Oh gledwood,is a peak turning into a trough..?Try to not be attached to your thoughts,just watch them objectively if you can and see them pass.Its the other side of the coin,the joy turns to sadness without which you would not experience the joy......Can you do that.i mean,like watch your thoughts cos i know it ain't easy but if you can find your observer then your half way there.Today i thought i am 43 years old,if i'm lucky i got another 40 years and if they pass as quickly as the first 40 did then i better get on with enjoying my precious time and making it good...its over in the blink of an eye...

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I think all that your suffering through is part of your heeling. Try to stay strong.

Just keep going.

The only thing I can offer you is this--things will get better. Not today or tomorrow but soon.

And then?

And then you will have the rest of your life to watch sunsets/sunrises, walk on the beach, hike a mountain trail, or visit Germany or where ever you'd like to go.

Hang in there.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

thank y'all

i don't think i was depressed i was moved by that song but i have held on to what i came to believe when i was unhappy for a long time: that nothing in life was ever worthwhile, nothing worth experiencing, nothing worth living; only death to look forward to. it's very hard to break away from that belief no matter how happy you feel in the moment......................

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood