HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 05, 2011

WELL IT'S THE EARLY AM AND....

MANIC MORNING RANT:~~~~~~~
GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING! IT'S 0507 hours I've been up a good 40 mins. Had 2 cups of black coffee ~ speeding off my BRAINBOX ON CAFFEINE fucking hell!!! I really want to drop round Valium Marilyn's but the BORING COW WILL BE ASLEEP, BOMBED OUT OF HER HEAD ON BENZOS. How can people sleep like that? sleep is a SICKNESS avoid avoid avoid did you know it's scientific fact the more you sleep the more tired you get? i'm avoiding sleep like the living death that it is i want to be UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP HIGHER HIGHER HIGHER into natural land it is not the lot of man to live in poverty did you know that so i'm playing the lottery. i just checked my euromillions numbers from 25 march NO FUCKING WIN not my millionaire lottery THE SWINDLING SWINES!

Now I'm off to the chemist in 3 hours' time then off to this punishment group. You have to go as a punishment for being a raving drug addict. Sit in a room full of people who have been sentenced to sit there by courts of law and talk about relapse prevention. I'm bringing my bouncy ball for company.

i feel love
this mix is a bit like a donkey wearily trudging up a hill bearing loads of bone china teacups and saucers. but it's better than a kick in the chops SO LISTEN TO IT



binary finary 2000
this is one of the best party tunes of all time
Buggerlugz I want you to put this on LOUD and dance round your caravan in Wales



sorry too early nearly 7am fucking boring world NOBODY IS UP i have just been bouncing my balls in the street got lots of rude stares of a black man by the bus stop.

My highly cogent, perceptively insightful post about the evils of drugs is one below this and I would please like lots of flattering comments from you all.

Here are some ideas

Gledwood you have outdone yourself yet again what a shit hot post!

Wow man what amazing writing. You're way more talented than Shane Memoires of a Heroinhead and Melody Lee is Damned put together. Well done.

I'm never taking drugs after reading this Gledwood. Thanks for saving my life.

Hi Gledwood I represent HarperCollins publishers and am willing to offer you an advance against royalties of £10,000,000 for North American rights in English to your fantabby bloggie. Once sales have topped 35 million we promise you an extra £5 million bonus.

Oh Gledwood you are so amazing. Will you marry me? I am a supermodel heiress to a seven billion dollar pharmaceuticals fortune and have keys to the diamorphine factory. Love Cassandra. PS don't worry about waiting for Daddy to kick the bucket: I already have £100 million in cash, property and shares and insist you do NOT sign a prenup.


etc etc.

Now I've got to go and bounce my ball on the SHITHEAD DOLE-SWINDLING BASTARD WHO LIVES DOWNSTAIRS FROM ME AND TRIED TO GET ME EVICTED. FUCKER!!

HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE!!

4 comments:

Janice said...

Uh, you sound like your wound a little too tight today.

Try to have a good day and don't annoy too many people with your bouncy ball.

Gledwood said...

i really bounce it on the street. normally

the dole-swindler doesn't even STAY in his room the bastard, yet has the cheek to complain about MY bad habits (never cleaning, ahem!)

yeah i am a bit "overwrought" i'm trying to chill!

Lou said...

You are sooo funny today. Are you sure you're not using..JUST KIDDING, dear Gleds.

I would rather read the anti drug rant over the heroin bloggers who continue to glamorize their use. For them, it's all fun and games. For the people who have to clean up their messes or pay their bills, not so much.

Sorry to sound angry today. I'm not really. Heroin is a tough thing to put down, and you know I love me some addicts. It is just such a nowhere street as you so eloquently, and James Joyce-like pointed out in your rant;)

Du bist lieb, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

I couldn't do one of those unapologetic blogs that could be interpreted as glamorizing my drug use because right from the beginning my readers were normal people who didn't use drugs so I had to explain the hows and whys of what I was doing. Which was a good thing. And it meant I never vanished TOO far up my own anus.... (which is trumpeting away like nobody's business this afternoon, it must be said.........)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood