HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 05, 2011

Wind from the Anus

MY ANUS has been thurping and trumpeting away remorselessly pretty much all day through. I had to hide in the lavatory. Then I got reprimanded for talking into my phone too loudly. I was discussing "personal itching" and the benefits of yeast infection control which caused lots of suppressed smirky cackles. It's always good to have an audience on the old mobile phone ~ know what I mean? Specially when discussing Feminine Hygeine with a roaring lesbian.

I went to my Shoplifters' Relapse Prevention Group where everyone had to "sign in" verbally by stating name and mood. I was the ONLY one who said I was in a good mood. The entire session consisted of me talking at every opportunity because I was hyper and could barely sit still, let alone shut up. Then the guy spoke to me for ages after the sesh was ended. He was horrified at my 110mg methadone dose. He said I have to produce clean urines; then they'll reduce it. They'd bloody better. 110ml is far too much to drink of a morning. It gives me nausea and has probably contributed to my thunderous bowels this afternoon.

Ooo hang on I've got to quack another fart out.

That's a relief. Better out than in as nice old ladies say.

Honestly my backside has given me a subsonic rumbling time today. I was "passing gas" so profusely on my walk home I nearly got blasted under a truck by the sheer windy velocity of a "big one".

I think it's because I haven't eaten. I'm gobbling a Morrisons thincrust Tex Mex Pizza.

I felt so high earlier on I actually WENT OFF ALCOHOL. After all it's only a downer that slows you down, bogs you down and vulgarizes most people considerably.

I'm going to the next Shoplifters' Punishment Group. I call it that because a considerable contingent are being punished on probation and forced into attending. A great debate started up after I declared that in severe addiction, drug use is not a matter of choice: it's automatic. The only choice the addict exercises is the occasional perogative NOT to use. Using comes as naturally as breathing. And if you don't understand that you'll be constantly confounded by the behaviour of drug addicts who know they have other priorities: children, partners, rent etc. Yet drugs always will come first. Even when they don't, they're a close second. Without drugs, outings with the kids, Christmas, holidays etc become near impossible torture.

Oh what is this? I have the intestines of a prize pigfarmer. Thurping away like nobody's business despite the pizza. It's merely rolling mid-stomach on a cushion of sulphurous gaseosity. My anus is like a professional volcanic fumerole. After this chili pizza I'll have the craps like spraying lava to boot!

Well my body is so tired today I actually fell asleep at the traffic lights only to be woken up by some sarcastic Irish builders yelling something about elves under my garden gate. Something like that or maybe I'm just going schizo again. Anyway I'm gonna try putting my head down once more. I've only slept 5 or 6 hours in the last 2 days ~ way too hyped to sleep properly. I'm exhausted.

Too much excitement for one day. No wonder my bowels are trumpeting so poignantly!


Gattina said...

As long as you have not to pay p's for that ... BTW in Harrods if I rember well it costed 5 £ to use the golden toilet, and that was in the 90th ! I swear I didn't use it ! I just came back from 12 days sunshine in Eastbourne and 3 days in Oxford. In London it rained cats and dogs yesterday. So I went home !

Akelamalu said...

Oh being 'windy' can be so embarrassing!

Gledwood said...

GATTINA: £5 for Harrods' lavvy is seriously TAKING THE PISS!!

yeah it rained tigers and akitas here too... (that's big cats and dogs!!!)

AKELAMALU: i had a really blushful day!

jams o donnell said...

Oh dear. Fart jokes may be funny but not always when one is the one doing the farting

bugerlugs63 said...

ok tent up (hours spent trying to drive "special rock-pegs" into slate/gravel) hands full of blisters! but the view is amazing . .I will play that track loud in the morning & dance to it :-) promise. Its 10.30 and the site is silent . .all bar some rustling foil coming from this tent (why does foil have to be so noisy?)the closest tent is 12ft away & I can here them snoring!
It was hot & sunny here when we arrived so hopefully be some more of that 2 come. beautiful. Shit I was asleep then . .must away. that snoring is getting louder. Take care, hope you are still good
with love

Gledwood said...


BUGERLUGZ: tent! Not caravan; I'm so sorry. Enjoi the tune. R U smoking gear in this tent then? Lucky you (my junkie self says).





Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood