HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Early morning

EH! I'VE GOT 145 FOLLOWERS ~ 1 more since yesterday. Hey I'm dresed in an old lady's fury hat (Rusian stylee) and dark glases with a bouquet of red plastic flowers. I look fucking amazing. ~Gledwood is style icon supreme of the junkie clases. Sory I can't do double leters as I sat on my keyboard or something and disabled some key or other and I don't wana turn the PC on and of bc I'l lose Dona Sumer.

I slept absolutely wonderfuly last night.I NEEDED THAT SLEEP MAN. Serious business. My body was so exhausted I literally fell aslep on my feet at the trafic lights yesterday that is when those Irish navies took the piss ~ jeering at me for being in fairyland. Least I don't have to toke shity DRUGS like THEY MOST CERTAINLY DO to get there. I get fairyland for free. Life is pretty perfect right now. If I won the lottery (at least £100 million) I'd be truly splendiforously happy. As it is I'm juwst wonderfuly happy. I got up at 3am and have been playing Amy Winehouse at top volume thru my television. The TV has much louder sound than my budget stereo. Back to Black and me dancing like a deranged windmill and singing along not that I'm mentally deranged or anything my mood is 100% rational and normal. Not depresed ANY MORE.

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER WHEN I BOUGHT A CELINE DION CD WHEN I WAS GIVING UP CRACK ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO? Well it was SHIT. And I just found it and am playing the only Celine Dion song I like. That Scottish-sounding one from Titanic. I love that film Titanic I used to watch it with the LOVE OF MY LIFE.

DID YOU KNOW WE SPLIT UP 10 YEARS AGO AND SHE STILL ASKS AFTER ME. Nobody thought we were going out because we never held hands in public and we were too similar more like brother and sister. She was the other half of me. If we met tomorrow we could stay together for ever. Isn't life sad.

o yeah everyone who wants to know about my magot-festering bowels should be relieved to hear the FARTS HAVE GONE i nearly blasted myself over my house yesterday afternoon i was trumpeting so much from the anus but i ate a tex mex pizza that cured everything so thank you Morrisons for that. Also I eat live yogurt every single day so my bowels OUGHT to be sterile as an operating theatre. Y'know apart from the tapeworms and shit up them.

DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS. I am NEVER TAKING DRUGS AGAIN TAKING DRUGS IS SAD SAD SAD PEOPLE ONLY TAKE DRUGS BECAUSE TEHY ARE INFERIOR PEOPLE WHO CANNOT GET A CRACK BUZZ OFF LIFE WELL I DO GET A COKE RUSH FROM LIFE SO I NEVER EVER NEED DRUGS AGAIN AND IF I DO GET DEPRESED I'M JUST GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE. I used to think I was depressed because I was guilty for all my wickedness and wrongdoing that is known as "depressive guilt" a very common phenomenon.

As for heroin NO FUCKING THANKS WHY THE SHITTING HELL DID I EVER TOUCH THAT DIARRHOEARY FUCKING SHITARSE CRAP? I DO NOT KNOW. HEY YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE THE MYSTERIOUS OPIATE HIGH WHICH NOBODY CAN DESCRIBE EXCEPT BY SAYING YOU FEEL WRAPPED UP IN A COCKOON. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT SOUNDED ATTRACTIVE;. I'LL TEL YOU HOW HEROIN FEELS IT'S LIKE INJECTING A GOOD MEAL, A DOUBLE SCOTCH AND A HOT BATH AND A LITTLE NAP ALL IN ONE GO. TOTALLY REVIVING. WHEN I WAS MOST ADDICTED AN INJECTION OF HEROIN FELT LIKE LIFE ITSELF RUSHING INTO MY VEINS. HOW I ADORED HEROIN! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. UNLIKE L MY REAL LOVE, WE NEVER BICKERED. HEROIN ALWAYS DID WHAT I WANTED AND NEVER MOANED AT ME. O HOW I LOVED HEROIN. I NEARLY DIED FOR IT.

O man fucking hell all this babbling and it's stil only 0710 hrs the chemist doesn't open for another 2 hours! I WANT MY METHADONE. 110MGS AND I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING OFF IT AT ALL. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Of course I'd know all about it if I missed 3 days but as it is I get more of a buz off coconut flavour biopot yogurt!!!

Now STAY CLEAN KIDS AND HAVE A LOVELY CHARMING ENTERTAINING WEEKEND AND DON'T DUNK YOUR ROBOROVSKIS IN A PADDLING POOL (does that sound rude?) see furry friday on saturday below for details one of the little hammies nearly drowned poor swine.

o wow celine is singing a decent song. with streisand of course:

o crapping hel fucking you tube is on strike wel fuck you you tube i'm off have a cheery weekend everyone

2 comments:

Majid Ali said...

Please for Christ sake help me
I have made a blog at blogger.com Since i have added a google adsense in the blog but haven't made a penny with this. I need your help and support to help me make some money to PAY MY Tuition Fees.

What you have to do is follow these simple steps

1.go to Google.com and search "Kwotz-Golden Words of Life"
2.then visit my blog from the the search results.
3.Remain on the page i.e Kwotz for one minute or so and do some random surfing
4. click ONE of the ads that appeals to you from AdChoices and visit there.
5.remain on that page for one minute or so and do some random surfing.
and that's it.

Note:Visit my blog from Google.com. Only ONE click is asked and nothing else
I will be very grateful to you.

Mr Lonely said...

nice blog... have a view of my blog when free.. http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) .. do leave me some comment / guide if can.. if interested can follow my blog...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood