HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Here's what I really look like!


ANNA GRACE constantly wants to know what I look like.
Well here you are Anna!

I don't like letting my hair grow because it makes me look like Norman from Eastenders


With nasty long hair and glases I am the spitting image of Olive from On The Buses



On a particularly bad day I look like Worzel Gummidge



And you wonder why I resorted to heroin, drink and crack for years? Drugs were the only way I could cope with being my horrid self! I do have an excuse ~ it's staring back at me in the mirror whenever I dare to look!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Post a photo. What do you look like gleds?? You can't remain a mystery all your life like banksy. Or maybe you can.

Gledwood said...

I look the most like Olive crossed with Worzel. Olive looks almost identical to me with long hair and glasses.

jams o donnell said...

You look like Worzel g to? You must be my long lost brother!

Gledwood said...

Aye! I do on a day like this!!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Gled, I'm glad you're not drinking. I understand the Szy/bi diagnosis. The great news is even those with grave emotional and mental disorders recovery... if

if they have the capacity to be honest. You have it, I've seen it. You've said, I can't stop and stay stopped. Good news, there is a solution! :) Keep on moving to meetings, keep following the recovery blogs, you'll find the trick... it's seeking a spiritual solution.

Shay said...

I want to see a real picture of you, current and what not.

Syd said...

Glad that Jess wrote that. A lot is within your power to get better. And a lot has nothing to do with your power. Hope that you find the solution.

Gledwood said...

JESS: thanks for getting in touch again I thought you had given up on me. I had ONE drink in the past week and all it did was remind me how much I LOATHE drink. It mighht sound snobby but I just have to think of the "image" of drink to remember why I want to stay stopped... I suppose it's a case of "whatever works for you"... I can't wait to go to AA as a full-blown member. With NA I'm not a full member as I'm on methadone but AA wise I cannot see that I'm not SOBER like they want me to be so I'm extremely glad about that!!

SHAY: problem is if I posted up a picture I'd be so inhibited I wouldn't be able to blog any more. Anna Grace
http://ppfaceannagrace.blogspot.com
has that problem with her neighbours knowing she blogs and judging her for it... If I die I hope my family do put up my picture I'd like that! (But I'm not planning on dying any time soon; you never know though!!)

SYD: do you mean as in God grant me the serenity, the courage and most of all the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. I don't know whether they say that at Al Anon or AA but at NA they say it every single meeting in the UK which really warms the cockles of my heart!

Thanks for the messages everyone :-)

Baino said...

Such a chicken. At least put one on Facebook. Post a pic and I'll go back to blogging. There's a challenge for you

Gledwood said...

If I put my photo up I could never blog again!

Anyway you're one to talk you look like a Home And Away character in your facebook profile!!

(It's all in the pose...)

I look more like a Celebrity Rehab character!!

Gattina said...

I don't know who that guy is, but apparently not you according to the comments ! I thought how the heck is it possible that one looking like a bank employee has such a tortured inside ?
I really thought it was you !

Gledwood said...

Oh I see what you mean!
Yes I do look like a bank employee a bit. His hair looks like mine when mine grows out. Mine never gets anything like as long as that it is strictly 3cm long but looks far shorter; it looks about 1cm long. I used to have horrible hair Gattina and really looked like a scarecrow. I think Worzel Gummidge had the edge over me as far as style went ~ any day of the week.

I'm taking my tortured inside and getting a job in a charity shop round the corner from my house; I can't wait!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood