HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 08, 2011

London Town Is Burning Down

WE HAD RIOTS IN LONDON last night and the night before. It all kicked off in Tottenham where a vigil for a boy shot dead by police blew up. shops were looted, buildings burned out. This spread to nearby Wood Green where shops the length of the High Road were smashed up, earthquake style. Last night the looting spread to Enfield, which is up the road from Wood Green Tottenham and even across the river to Brixton, a famously vulgar inner City suburb well known for drugs and civic unrest. I used to go clubbing in Brixton and I've scored heroin in Wood Green so I know both places well. Tottenham is an endless expanse of crack dens and Jehovah's Witness churches with no real centre. Enfield is the middle of nowhere. My metadone chemist is closing early because he hears the unrest (which is basically organized looting, not true rioting) will spread right across town. I heard another rumour this might happen so maybe it's true.

I wasn't depressed yesterday morn; I was just crying for no apparent reason. Then I wet out to poke through the riot damage and was hyper yet again. Smiling so widely the police kept giving me funny looks. It was a real fun day out.

Then my friend came back and paid me a £10 note and a £15 bag of heroin. He kept complaining my gear was bigger than his and had the cheek to ask for a bit back! Until I said I had hep C and it was all wet in a spoon I had previously flushed blood into ~ that put the grasping fucker right off!

Then I had a lovely 12 hour sleep and woke up feeling ill yet again. For days I have been sweating, freezing cold, bellyacheing, farting like a whizzing balloon and generally feeling crap I only didn't feel it too much because my mood simultaneously soared allowing me less sleep over the previous 4 days than I got all last night!

The ignorant BO-reeking Turk who runs our local heroin money laundering establishment ~ ie a "grocery shop" ~ queried whether I was feeling alright this afternoon. When I said quite alright, yeah, he added are you sure? then said something sarky in his ugly-sounding peasant dialect of his (it doesn't sound like the proper Turkish that comes blaring out of their in-store TV sets, it has very oily over-rounded vowels. You know how most languages sound more beautiful and exotic than English? This is the exception. It's a horrible sounding tongue and I, who speak 6 languages badly, am glad not to speak it. I'm sure even an educated Turk wouldn't understand his barbarian sheep-bleating dialect. Anyway, it's true I had crowded in out of the rain wearing winter coat, glastonbury jumper with furry hood and ultra warm tracksuit bottoms (ie my pajamas, though he shouldn't have known that) and had hands together like a praying mantis. Then he said I've seen you outisde with your glasses. So fucking what. I know my eyewear looks fantabulous but a compliment from a donkey******g peasant is meaningless to me. He waers glasses and his ones look really shit. I'm tempted to get them done under the Disability Discrimination act for takig teh piss out of a schizoaffective. That would fucking serve him right. Also if his shop gets smashed up tonight that would serve him right more. I am very angry with him for daring to speak to me like a piece of shit. Everyone treats me like shit. And you know what? I don't even have to answer back merely LOOK THEM IN THE EYE and people recoil in terror. This has happened more than once lately. The weak and sappy are intimidated by my superior spirit.

I still stand by all I said yesterday morning; all was true. Beauty is passing; ugliness remains. Ecstasy might stretch to touch the universe's end, yet agony is lasting. Only pain is true. Happiness is a mere illusion. If you're happy you're more than likely mentally ill. I do not desire to live in this world I want to live with God. Sorry to tell the truth like that: truth hurts.

Isaiah 11:1-9
And there shall come forth a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots:

And the spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD;

And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the LORD: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears:

But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth: with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked.

And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins.

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den.

They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea



Akelamalu said...

I've watched the reports of the riots and looting on the news - it's terrible. There's always rent-a-mob ready to take things a step further isn't there?

Happiness is NOT an illusion Gleds. I am happy and I am not mentally ill m'dear. ;)

Gledwood said...

How do you manage to be happy living in a world ruled over by Satan? It's horrible and I hate it. I wish I was dead and I'm not depressed I just hate living like this I think the most stupid thing I did was come off drink and drugs they made life tolerable. Ever since I have been a schizo-maniac. So I don't know what to do. When I finally come off methadone I will probably be incontrovertably insane!!
I wish I knew your secret; can you explain it to me?

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Anonymous said...

I sought the Lord and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
-Psalm 34:4

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

RECOVERY NOW: yep fine!

ANON: I hope the Lord does that for me too! I do believe in God y'know.

Akelamalu said...

My secret? I've never taken recreational drugs!

Gattina said...

I always had to go by bus through Brixton, not very nice place. But that Croydon too was involved, it always was such a nice and quiet little town. I was just in London last Thursday! Some idiot has put the Eurostar at St. Pancras instead of Waterloo station before. There is nothing at King's Cross ! and far from the touristic places.

Baino said...

Terrible times I think they should declare marshall law frankly. Looting is shit, just shit. As for being happy. Nobody's happy all the time but you dwell on it too much. And you're not off all drugs, you had a hit on Sunday. You need to get out more, get a hobby and a big distraction from sitting around maudlin. Just sayin'



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood