HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Two Love Songs

THERE'S not a lot to say today. Poor Mouth put on his blog a proverb about me "tis better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt" ~ let's face it, I've most certainly removed all doubt about me!

Anna Grace has gone in hibernation. She's back on the heroin and hiding from Anonymous, who keeps saying what a loser she is. I filled up her newest post with comments, as did Valerie and Boomer (2 drug dealers). Valerie signed in as me and started typing about her personal warts, the dodgy old cow.

My Chinese is coming along swimmingly. I keep getting discouraged, thinking "I will never learn this" I will never learn a language where all the words are weird and sound the same and there are two sets of characters (traditional and simplified). Yet I do learn it. The words are more difficult than Spanish or Italian but they're just as foreign if you think about it. The Chinese accent sounds more like an American accent than any other foreign language, as it contains retroflex R (like an American R). But it also contains sounds like a cross between S as in Sand and SH as in Shake or a sound halfway between S in Sand and CH in Church. Most extraordinary.

Usually I have zero discouragement and one hundred per cent inspiration when learning languages. It's the mysteriousness factor that appeals most, which is why Asian languages are to be preferred over European ones. Also as Valium Marilyn even knows, Chinese is "the easiest language in the world" ~ which is not strictly true as it's harder than Japanese or Thai but there you go. It's not as difficult as German, French or Spanish.

Seeing as it's my goal to speak 10 languages fluently, once Chinese is done there'll only be 7 left to go. (English is done; French and German are half done).

There's an awful programme on TV called "Ibiza Rocks" awful formulaic oldfashioned guitar music on an isle famed for brilliant formulaic and stereotypical dance music!

Here are 2 love songs. The 2nd one has a proper video:~~

the montage on this is more interesting than most of the others

live recording session

ps that awful Professor Green is on telly ~ a one hit wonder if ever there was one. his only decent "song" is this one and that's because it has the best part of an inxs tune chucked in!

PPS how come Barbra Streisand stars in Yentl with a Man Named Mandy (Mandy Patankin) ~ did he have a brother called Wendy? Is his middlename Suzanne, so he could be a boy named Mandy and Sue?~?? And if Mandy isn't short for Amanda what is it short for?


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Does your mom have "recurrent major depression" ?
I don't believe half of what the psych docs say. I'd love to see the inside of their own medicine cabinet.
I think they hate xanax and valium cause they're in denial.
Take good care,

Gledwood said...

Yes she says she gets depressed every winter. She thinks it's seasonal affective disorder. It's been bad enough to go on antidepressants at least twice and I know her: she downplays everything and certainly wouldn't pill-pop for the sake of it. I heard my chances of being bipolar type 1 (the severe type) were equal to my chances of having depression, genetically. So no wonder I'm in the mess I'm in!

Yeah I don't believe for a second that most GPs suffer sleeplessness at all. They justify their own pillpopping saying "I have an important job to do; I must be fresh in the morning" and I'm sure they pop away at the (es-)zopiclone (Lunestra), zolpidem (Ambien) and benzos. Not so much with antianxiety meds (because those are more of a habit, once you get into them) but sleep meds I bet they use when they can't sleep.

My doc started down the blind alley of "why don't you take the antidepressant I gave you that made you psychotic" yeah RIGHT. You know if I were more vicious minded I would trick that bitch into prescribing me an antidepressant then sue for the resulting psychosis ~ which wouldn't be absolutely guaranteed but highly likely. Antidepressants make bipolar people MANIC. I get manic on nothing. Last thing I need is some drug doing it for me, then I really will go over the top and probably get evicted for playing Barbra Streisand on top volume at 2am instead of 6am!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood