HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Missed the Bloods


I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET UP EARLY TO HAVE A BLOOD TEST this morning. Instead I had multiple nightmares about giving up alcohol and somehow coming into vast amounts of money. Then I had another nightmare about Russian submarines and the smallpox virus. Very vivid dreams. Then I woke up feeling ravenous because I am supposed to fast 12 hours before this mystery blood test that I don't even understand. For some reason they want lipids (cholesterol), some blood count, glucose, electrolytes and something else measured. How will they ever find a vein?? Probably straight away knowing my mysterious body. I am really not looking forward to what is labelled a "sharp scratch" but is actually a highly intrusive, assaultive, abusive STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB POKE PRY POKE POKE no thanks. Yes I have a needle fixation. The type where you don't like being stabbed by others. (Which is apparently not uncommon.) The methadone clinic also want an electrocardiogram, which I don't mind ~ it's noninvasive.

None of these tests involve appointments by the way; you just turn up and get tested in office hours...

Mrs Li is still teaching me to tell the time. You say that it's five bits two dots ~ meaning "five minutes past two". Come to think of it a minute means something minute ie a little bit. So the Chinese word means the same. O'clock is dian zhong 点钟. Zhong means the middle as in Zhongguo 中国 (China) ~ the Middle Country. But of course it's a different zhong. But the phonetic 中 lurks to the right hand side of the other zhong 钟 ~ nobody can say Chinese is not phonetic. It's just not an ABC. It is phonetic though.

I've sorted out my state benefits at LAST. I had to run about getting proof of this that and the other. Deshane the support worker needs these to prove who I am! Then I can eventually move house. And away from the London Borough of Unfathomably Evil, where I currently live and unwittingly moved not realizing I was messing my life up in so doing.

I am hoping to get a pensioners' bus pass soon.

I am less depressed than yesterday and a lot less than the day before and a hell of a lot less than on Monday. My sleep has shrivelled down to a mere 11 hours which is good for me. I'm trying to stay awake all day, to be good. Then sleep shouldn't hit me like a disease in the night, causing me to be unconscious at the wrong times.

Sorry this is boring. Everything is very in-between today.

I hope y'all are OK.


Illustrated: is a bathysphere really that comfy? I'd assumed you'd be cramped knees to chin...!

7 comments:

Syd said...

I have been down in a submersible to 2000 m. The front part looks a lot like this. Google the submersible Alvin from Woods Hole and you will see what it looks like.

Spindrift said...

I thought this post wasn't boring, i thought it was interesting. It's encouraging to see you looking after yourself. Sometimes you take a step back, but lately i think you've been doing brilliantly. Cheering you on, safe journey, Paulg, i thought it was interesting. It's encouraging to see you looking after yourself. Sometimes you take a step back, but lately i think you've been doing brilliantly. Cheering you on, safe journey, Paul

Spindrift said...

That came out double, i'm typing from my mobile, so i'm not sure what happened there, or maybe, i meant to say, that what ever i said i mean it twice as much, yeah, i'll go with that. Hope your well, Paul

Akelamalu said...

My eldest son is terrified of needles, it's a common fear Gleds.

Glad to hear you have got your benefits sorted.

Baino said...

I think it's hilarious that you have no problem sticking a needle between your toes but are scared of a blood test. Silly man should have gone. Then you know how I feel about you being lucky to have all this medical support around you and bitching about it. Sorry that sound's cranky, I'm not. Just frustrated but . .oh never mind. If I could sleep for six hours I'd be a happy camper. Eleven hours! I'd kill for six

Gledwood said...

Thanks for the answers; I answered them in today's post with the Chinese "heart" calligraphy............

Janice said...

I hope your test go well, Gled.

Speaking of reactions to things, I have found in the last year my claustrophobia has gotten worse. I don't know how, it's not like I'm doing anything different. I live in the same house I've lived in for the last twenty years, however I do dry a smaller car than two years ago.

All I could think of looking at the size of that tiny-tiny sub is--I'd never be able to do it. I'd be demanding to be let out and piddling my pants when it didn't happen fast enough.

Janice~

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood