TO USE ENID BLYTON LANGUAGE yes I do feel "horrid". Have been feeling horrible all week. My mind feels at this moment like a pressurecooker about to explode. Went to my old blog thinking I'd cheapskate it and whack up one of my old postings. The slowness. And the eggtimer. All got to me. So bad. I just logged out.
I have spent years of my life on antidepressants. Then once they gave me this anticonvulsant (why?? I'm not epileptic.) Whenever I tell psychidoctors what actually happens to me I get the strong feeling they don't believe me. Which is all you need when depressed. Because you feel your feelings have no validity anyhow. And if, like me, you can convince yourself that what is happening is not real, you will see that it all turns into a hall-of-mirrors-type mindgame. Here's a quote:
Eccentric is one step before insanity.
If that's true then I'm done for. Eccentric - when have I not been. Insane? Well I can't hear through walls like I could this time last year.
One thing to be said for opiate addiction: it does calm down moodswings. But the upshot of all this is what Ivy calls a flatline. (Which is even worse on methadone as that has such a long "half-life".) At least a decade ago when I got depressed I'd flip up into a joy-to-be-alive state for a few days. Now when I do go down I just sink into the goo and stay there.
I'm afraid of telling my full mental states story to any doctor in case they start slapping words on me like paranoid or bipolar. Actually I did tell them when I was paranoid about the "bad energy" Nutnut was sending out to me. She was destroying me by the powers of her own sickness. And her own way of thinking was not one to inflict on someone drifting out of his own etre to another raison.
Normally when I feel like this I would tell myself I need a drink. But I don't need a drink. I don't really want one.
Even if the fairy godmother waved her wand over me right now, I reckon I could turn normality into its own madness. I'm one of these people that whatever advantages I get in life - they are still going to get peed away up that wall.
Now I'm going to bed.
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