HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

... The Very Best People

IT'S TRUE: ADDICTION HAS TAKEN SOME OF THE VERY BEST PEOPLE; and still has many in its relentless grip. I got talking to an old friend today. His name is Peter. He is about ten years older than me (about 44) but he looks 60. Sensible. Kind, reliable. And, in an age when I meet a fellow junkie on the street and say nothing about my business because I know that if I do mention anything to do with drugs or money they will inevitably start whingeing and begging off me, feigning a sickness that, two minutes previously, just wasn't there. We sat down talking for over an hour. This guy's life is an utter shambles. Drugs have taken some of the very best people.

I had a nasty dark alley experience this evening. Awaiting runner for a dealer aptly named "Wicked". Twenty minutes of hanging around this alley behind people's flats a shadow emerges. "Who sent you?" I insist on knowing. I wouldn't be the first person to have given money to the wrong man who just runs. The shadow wasn't up for speaking. Full sentences seemed too much to manage. "W," he eventually managed. "Whh-kid." So I gave the shadow my cash and got two lumps that looked like Wicked's by their distinctive wrapping. Wicked has a penchant of some sort for demanding clients meet his people in locations of the most utter degradation. His old favourite was a park of the most loathesome after-dark atmosphere I've encountered in a long time. Shadows gathered in corners. Eventually some turned out to be acquaintances. How any woman managed to push herself to brave this place alone I have no idea, but many did. One man was ripped off; another was, so the rumour goes, beaten up and left for dead there. Nasty, nasty place, that Shadowland.

Nasty business, I can hear you muttering.

Due to a glitch in appointments, I got to see my very first methadone key worker. Not having freely volunteered very much information since I don't recall when, and feeling too overflowed to stop myself, I spilled out my heart. Told how down I'd been. How much in a mess I really had got myself (though I'm dragging myself out of the pit. I'm truly trying.) How doctors and psychiatrists have fobbed me off. How my mental, emotional and spiritual "situation" predates in many aspects my drug addiction years. I fully used up a 20-minute appointment to overflowing. First Worker insisted that, if he does see my Present Worker, he will tell him what I said. But if he doesn't, of course, he won't be able to. And he might not. So I won't know where I stand next time. This heart-outpouring is exhausting.

My own lifestory is so immensely complexicated that I've more than once been accused of lying merely while attempting to tell of how some situation relates to one of however many past ones that have repeated however many times. Perhaps forgetting the precise specific one. I cannot trust myself to make self-statements anymore, not the "when did I first do this" kind of thing because my past is such a tangle.

One day I shall work myself loose from that tangle.

One day, at last, I know I shall be free.

23 comments:

Deb said...

and you'll have some friends here when you do. Whatever your past is, keep pushing forward. Even when it's exhausting and person A turns to person b,c & d. Keep spilling until somebody "gets" it because you may have to weed through a bit to get there. Each time you tell it maybe a layer will unravel and the knot can untie itself one day.

I'm pulling for you, in your corner!

(complexicated is good. I think I'm complexicated too)

oooh, weird. One of my favorite songs (Born To Kill) is currently playing on my itunes and it kind of fits in with what I'm reading/typing. Lyrics...

There's a big beat
You're spinning in my tv
A magician
The antidote
So I'm with him
Floating, loaded
Enough to be released

It's more than the less you say you do
It's more than the shot that gets you through
Born to buy into something
Born to kill

There's a big beat
You're sleeping in my memory
Like Satan
Lonely
So I'm with him
Floating, loaded
Enough to be released

It's more than the less you say you do
It's more than the shot that gets you though
Born to buy into something
Born to Kill

Have to leave now, take care

gledwood said...

Thank you...

You are right, complexicated is good.

People who aren't complexicated are dull!!

I'm glad you're complexicated.

Lia Halsall said...

Thank you for dropping by my blog, yes we are two completely different people but we are still one in the same. Challenges are here to face us all in one way or another, you're just facing a far more bigger challenge but the trick is nevery give up. Keep fighting the fight, life is worth it no matter how bleak it seems.

Lia :o)

Gledwood said...

Do you know something, I used to be a really determined soul. Goal-oriented and stubborn. Now that side of me has (temporarily) gone to sleep ...

I'm not trying to say I'm not responsible. But the condition I'm in it snowballs and gets out of control. That's why NA call it a disease. Thanks for stopping by.

Gleds

tkkerouac said...

Gledwood, you have a very good mind and writing ablility, Keep up the good fight!

junky said...

Gled, this is a bit of a carryover from your last post.
this may sound dumb but have you ever tried to kick cold turkey?
Titration and substitution just doesn't seem to work IMHO.
I kicked benzoes' cold, I've been told the withdrawal is similar to H. I'd been hooked about 7 years.
Keith Richards described quitting cold as "feeling like shit for 48 hours, then you get a little better". I found he was off by about 24 hours.
anytime you need it drop me a line, and keep trying man.

chipper said...

It was a very good thing to have told the worker what you did. Maybe they will be able to get you more support, knowing what you're going through?

gledwood said...

Yes I've tried cold turkey and I did do 8 days but nearly went mentally crazy!!

Sarah said...

There might be some herbs or homeopathic constitutionals that can help you during the withdrawl process, or even during your therapy appointments as you start to process stuff from your past. I found them to be really helpful with my anxiety and depression issues. They work on a cellular level though, so you need to give it lots of time to take effect. I find the Bach Flower Remedies subtle yet very powerful.

Good luck to you!

Stony Curtis said...

gledwood--
stony_curtis here--you dropped by my blog.
i feel like i want to offer support, but i don't know what to say.
take care, man. drop by again if you want...
kindest regards, seriously...

Gledwood said...

Thanks for dropping by. Don't worry about what you can't do ... I know how you feel I used to have junkie friends b4 I eventually turned into one ... I'm keeping this blog to tell the TRUTH about addiction to the world. Not just the over-repeated sanitized version.

junky said...

yeah it most certainly will drive you to the edge of sanity, my personal favorite is depersonafication , you look down at your hand and your brain can't tell that it's yours, not to mention your brain feels like it's floating a foot above a body that no longer feels like it's yours.
good times...
Homeopathic help, I might sound like a cynic but ha, yeah thats no help

RUTH said...

can't even try to understand what you're going through. Nothing I've ever faced; guess I've been lucky that so far never had anyone in the family who's had your problems either. Would like to know of a way to help but I know reading some of the comments on your various posts that others are far more qualified. Just hang in there GW....
Rx

Sarah said...

Junky,

I absolutely don't think homeopathy or herbs can KICK an addiction. I just think they might help stabilize things on an emotional level whilst going through the process. I'm Certainly not trying to over simplify or under state the severity off addiction. I don't have any personal experience with this, but since I have seen and experienced amazing things in my own life and others with herbs and such, just thought I'd put it out there as an option.
Good luck to you Gledwood whatever you choose.

junky said...

Sarah,
I know you were not trying to understate addiction etc.
I felt a little snipey apparently, all apologies.

Gledwood said...

I did the cold turkey thing and went a bit mental... they gave me some 1. sleepy tea 2. detox tea. The detox tea makes you sweat MORE but you're sweating the toxins out. In that type of state you HAVE to do all you can eg go on walks as long as you can manage etc which is what I did. All the horrible feelings (physical especially) are just the drugs coming out of the body so that's what I told myself. Next time I'm going to to a buprenorphine (Subutex) detox. This is where you take something that quickly blockades the effects of the opiates on the body. So you do a lot of the suffering at the beginning rather than the end of an inpatient detox. Usually they give reducing methadone or "DFs" Dihydrocodeine which is way more comfortable than nothing but you still suffer. I've been on Subutex before and it's dead easy to reduce the dose. I know a unit that will do that detox but I'm on methadone already in way too high an amount to go on that without massively cutting it down (or possibly going away, taking just heroin and no methadone for a week, then my body should accept the Subutex no problem. Methadone causes trouble in detox because it's very long acting and takes AGES to come out of the body ...)
I used to get Reiki before. Acupuncture I've had that is good. Homoeopathy I don't know too much about. But I'm open to anything that might help ...

Sarah said...

Gledwood,

Wow the cold turkey approach as well as the drug stuff both sound difficult. But it's good that you are taking steps to try to make it more bearable the next time. My sis works in a clinic for meth addicts and says it's hard. My brother in law is addicted to meth. He though has no desire to stop (yet.)

Junky,
no harm, no foul :) Although looking in my books it does appear that the remedies are only particularly helpful for preventing addiction after the first one or two tries with the drug. They do suggest some remedies for specific concerns while coming off though.

Aconite 30c - for sudden panic/fear of dying, feeling chilly.

Absinthium 6c for depressed, dizzy, disorientated, having hallucinations

Arsenicum 6c for restlessness, great anxiety, fear of being alone

Hyoscyamus 6c - for marked paranoia, muttering, obscene talk and behavior

massive doses of vitamin B have been useful for me for my on-going depression and I've heard have been used successfully for treating bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia.

of course I'm no doctor! :)

Stony Curtis said...

Besides what Sarah said (bless you, Sarah!), I have been using Omega-3 fish oil caplets (these do not have to be $$$) to work with manic depression meds and smooth things out for years. They are like brain food--they make you happy and relaxed. And again, this is not something that will help you kick--just something that'll smooth over some bumpy parts while you're kicking with something else. And gledwood--your writing is very good--you are inspirational.

Sarah said...

ahh yes, forgot the fish oil! I take that too.. mega doses with DHA..

sorry to be flooding your blog with all this!

RobertS said...

Hi you dropped by my blog on (ourearthlyrights.blogspot.com) thanks for reading.

Read your blog and am with you on quitting. My dad was on heroin about 4 times. I asked him every time how he got off and he told me the only way for him was going cold turkey.

He had tried just about everything under the sun including prison and lots of other stupid things.

You asked me how I got into Scientology, my dad had a few books on it but wasn't really interested. I was into music, was doing ok, had good friends - somehow felt like i was grinding. Living in Paris at the time I had what the French call "Metro-bulot-dodo" which is Metro-work-sleep.

I read the book found it was useful. I think it was Problems of Work or Fundamentals of Thought, found out there were some courses and liked it.

Mainly because I could use what I learned.

That's my story, you asked, I answered - hope this doesn't seem like an advert or something.

I really wish you the best on kicking the habit.

You also asked where there is a center in UK to get more info - I think they recently opened one in Queen Victoria Street London.

On the habit, check out Narconon. Had a friend that worked there and they're pretty good. Unfortunately my dad wasn't interested - he died a few years back.

OK I'm rambling - take care.

IVY said...

sorry i havent written you back or more. i started on an email/letter back to you and then five minutes later looked at my watch i was late 4 something so i deleted it and left. I am always elated when i see you comment and read my things. and I am very impressed by the prolificness of your blog. Everytime I come to your page there are like six new entries. Okay. XOXO

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood