HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

My Bizarre Dream(s)

WHY DO I KEEP having bizarre dreams? I'm not sure I'm even ready to describe this to you. I woke up at 1:30pm. It is 2:10 now. But will I ever be able to explain the inexplicable. Let me describe the elements. You, dear Reader, I'm afraid will have to put 'em 2getha urself.

Okay: so we have. Me winging through Marrakech-style souk of covered outdoor markets into someone's bedroom behind a stall. Yeah, it was most like an on-&-on-&-ongoing indoor market. I remember going in them as a kid and the "bracing" smell of the fish-stall etc. And me being 4 yrs old putting me hand out to these dogs towering over me. (I actually do remember this. My mum dragged me away.) Okay so I wing into this bedroom and steal a book. Run out with it. Don't know if theft is detected but I regret it and sincerely WANT to give back but cannot: don't know where.

The other dream-bits = Marilyn Monroe (nothing 2do with my friend) acting well in her misery. And a house. And my brother. And someone has removed a central girder of this house and the other girder is kind of swinging round anti-clockwise in this indescrippable way yes I know that's not in the dictionary but bear with me. And something else is up. I'm always being blamed for things I never did (in nightmares). What does this mean. We are on a countdown: the house is falling down. And nobody here is qualified to put it right. Then I WAKE UP.

And feel very tearful.

Look not like I'm weeping buckets but I'm v well you know when you FEEL LIKE crying. Like that...

The one disturbance I had 2day was the fone ringing. I ansa:= "da man"= so friendly= do I want NEthing. He speak so much like my friend.

But in the sober lite of day. HE IS AN EVIL HEROIN DEALER OUT TO DESTROY ME and PROFIT from my DESTRUCTION. N'est pas?

C'mon surely there's some dream interpreters out there...

23 comments:

RUTH said...

Did you read my interpretation of your last one
http://ruth-jenner.blogspot.com/2007/01/gws-dreama-possible-interpretation.html
Rx

slaghammer said...

I would explore the possibility that the collapsing house represents latent psychogenital megalomanic syndrome with Madonna-vogue complications. I’m probably not the best person to ask though since I’m pretty sure everything bad in my life can be traced back to failed potty training.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Ruth yes I did eventually find it. When you told me about it b4 I looked & looked & couldn't tell what you were talking about... I'm glad I found it now. Thank you.

Gledsxx

Gledwood said...

Re Slaghammer. I agree with you re everything traced back to bad potty training. Freud was just a slimy old perv.

Gledwood said...

BTW peeps go to slaghammer's site for a rather amusing spiders on drugs film.!...

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rowan said...

Gled,

stealing = deprivation.

Anonymous said...

I think dreams are a way that our brain uses to communicate the subliminal with the concious and let us know that we have supressed fealings or memories or some fears we might have.

Just search in there and somehow you might get an answer

RUTH said...

Went and had a look at the spiders...slaghammers got a great blog...brilliant graphics

Anonymous said...

e-LauGhs :-) I agree about the dreams. We all most have had a dream sometimes that symbolizes so obviously what's pertinent to us that is's a living metaphor...

BTW:-- Do you happen to know what the animal is: "Adopt this blog"???

Was just wondering... Whatever it is it's really cute!!

2:45 PM

Anonymous said...

Hang on: where did 2:45pm come from just there? Whatever I was doing at 2:45pm I'm sure it was not posting that comment. That was HOURS ago!!!

Anonymous said...

Deb: I'm fascinated by the theft story. Do you mean the "house of cards" fell down anyhow and bc you gave it back you escaped trouble?

Ivy: "Stealing= deprivation"? I'm not sure I get that??

Stealing BECAUSE of deprivation, yes. But stealing EQUALS it. No entiendo.

rowan said...

Sigh.. Um... I read it in a dream dictionary once and also have had dreams where I was stealing (though in yours it was just the temptation to.) I think it means the steal-er feels deprived somehow and so is trying to take something to make them feel better. = thought made it clear
PS. Left you some comments on my page.. how should i get my email to you?

rowan said...

also could reflect an absence of security and stability or impaired judgement.

rowan said...

the fact that you cant give it back seems pretty important too. Also read that to steal means that "a bit of dishonesty comes to your attention." House falling down: Dealing with inadequacy to handle one's own situation.
that's the best I can do.. Usually Im not the one analysing the dreams, usually am the one getting an analysis !!

Anonymous said...

NO NO IN mine I DID steal it and was longing to give it back... but I was lost in this maze of stalls. (Once went to Morocco and the souk it like that.)... Okay I read thru the rest of ur xplanation it seems rational... urm I am thinking now.

o & ps Deb I know you probably don't want to go over past misdemeanours I do apologize.

That's all I gotta say now? Thank you and goodnight. (Cept its 1:30pm)

Deb said...
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Deb said...
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Deb said...
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Deb said...
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Deb said...
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Gledwood said...

Where have all those posts gone I don't get that.

Deb said...

I erased my fairy tales ;)

You can get rid of them from your end too if you like so it's not so cluttered in here.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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