HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Reduced to My Foot

YES: REDUCED TO MY FOOT. I’M NOT PROUD to be saying this, but my veins have all gone into hiding so badly I’m reduced to stabbing — ever so gently — in my foot.

This does not make me happy. My crazed ex, MadBirdNutNut who was as totally straight as you can get, even she was perceptive enough to tell me I’d only stop when the veins were all gone. Which has hardly happened yet because I have my untouched femoral “groin” on both sides … which I’m not sure I want to tamper with. Many people who do end up with deep vein thrombosis. Plus I have my neck — which is never getting touched. I know myself with enough confidence to say that is one bridge that is never getting crossed, and I mean that. The neck is a prime site for drips and anaesthetics. It is medically very useful and drugs-wise unwise to tamper with.

Medical concerns aside, I would like to keep some semblance of nonjunkiedom about my person. And a nicely-veined neck would make a lovely start.


RUTH said...

Gabbly??....think I'm too late...what is it? Going to bed now so will maybe find out tomorrow
Night night flower.....x

gledwood said...

Oh. It's a thing I managed to get up. I'm assuming you'd have seen it too if it was still there on my screen. It puts a little box in the corner for as long as I'm logged into my own site. And supposedly other people can see it and write in it. It's like one of those chat rooms. (I've tried them but they were nonsensical.) But if we KNOW each other then its different.
Neoworx do something like it and that's what originally I wanted.
But I've seen this Gabbly thing working on Raymi's Mom's site. You really can type in real time. But I don't expect really anyone would want to go on for more than 4,5 mins it would get exhausting!

gledwood said...

4got 2say: Night-Night 2u2!

Jason Meltzer Patterson said...

thanks for the blog comment i have a feeling i'll be stopping in here again..


Deb said...

i hate the chat stuff, although this is similar. but with this method we pick and choose when we answer/have time. I was never big on the chat thing.

IVY said...

Oh please dont hit the neck.. Im glad you havent. But I watched a girl do it.. and a friend of hers had died doing it.. And she had these grotesque yellow bruises all over her neck she wore scarves for months.. In the disgusting underrealm there was a junky pride to who could look the most disgusting i suppose

gledwood said...

Ivy no I wont do the neck I promised my self. I would as soon kill myself properly than do it slowly like that.

Deb yeah I know what you mean I got on to Raymis Mom last night said Hi but I found it v difficult to talk like that. Not being used to it at all.

chipper said...

Interesting. I am familiar with this. I did meet one person who used the neck. Very startling appearance.

Debbie is close to moving to the foot too. She keeps missing in her arm, she says. Her arms are deeply scarred now. When I met her I noticed nothing. It can happen fast, I guess.

I suffered from DVT. Almost killed me. It did kill my sister-in-law and the 16-year-old daughter of a friend. Not worth the risk.

gledwood said...

You're right Chip. Does Debbie not go in the surface veins in her legs?

Only prob with that is that on a woman it ruins the appearance, more than a man. Also men's legs are hairier so I spose it hides it more.

Y'all are right. Going in the neck is a horrible thing to do. And as I say, I want at least that left over. (If & when I do ever come out of this morass.( 4 medical purposes.

gledwood said...

How typical of me. I can't even close off brackets properly. ))


Deb said...

gled, i can't believe i just skirt around this though, like it's not happening...just don't want to come off as "preachy". i sincerely hope that this doesn't get the better of you....you seem like such a wonderful person. i already feel like you're a friend and i want to say i hope somehow you come out of all this alright - that's all. i've known too many who didn't. and you're too good to waste. that's all i'm going to say on the subject...i hate people who nag and refuse to be one of them. ;) but, in the theme of not censoring thoughts, that's what was on my mind.

Deb said...

(no more said on the subject and no response necessary.)

Elsie said...

Hi Gleds

I want to say so many things to you, but do not know how and what, I think you understand though....

2 years ago when my son nearly died from drugs (he was in hospital for 3 months) he actually injected the stuff into his IV while in hospital- so they had to put it into his neck veins and he still found a way to inject.

I do not know if he injects into his groin veins in this time- there are just some things you do not ask your child and also maybe do not want to know......

please, please take care, I have the feeling you are really losing it in a big way at the moment, what triggered it?

I and so many others do enjoy your blog(s) so much and also learn so much, and like DEB says, you are too good to waste!!!

Won't you try, please???????

Elsie said...

try to get better, gleds, not try to inject in "unnormal" (if there is such a word) places.

English is not my mother tongue/home language, so sometimes I really have difficulty expressing myself, especially when I feel passionate about something....

I really worry about you!!!

Gledwood said...

Probably the best thing about blogging is I've made friendships with some of the best people, people I'd definitely not come across by any other means. For that I thank you.

Gledwood said...

Elsie thank you too.

I understand how you feel not wanting to preach. There are some people who have me in that quandry too.

Elsie, what your son did with the IV line is a very common thing. I've heard a few stories of people being chucked out of hospital for doing that.

By "groin" I mean ... if you look at a picture of a woman in a bikini straight on, where she would shave the bikini-line, the femoral veins are closer to there than anywhere else. It doesn't mean going in genitalia (that really is a truly desperate thing to do).

The friend of mine I wrote about today, I forgot to put in the post he has an abscess on one side of the "bikini-line" ie the crook of his upper leg, his "groin". He is in agony. He says the other side doesn't work. I told him to just inject in his backside intra-muscularly but men seem to hate doing this because it comes on slowly, you don't get a "rush" - they associate needles with that. Also women are better padded for that sort of thing around the upper thighs...

Am I wandering? I just wanted to share some facts Elsie partly to put you in the picture. I know you would probably rather be in the picture than out of it. But I understand they're not really nice things to know.

gledwood said...

Didn't know where to say this I have to go now it's coming up to 11pm I've got to go I'll try and log on again later but if I don't manage to - night-night everyone ...

Elsie said...

I really do not want to preach, I am sorry if sometimes it seems that way.

And for not wanting to know- not because it is not nice, (and you are right that I do want to know)but you advised me on one of my earliest comments to try not to be so emotionally involved - think it is one way of keeping my sanity, and also maybe in a way hoping that this problem will go away if I do not think about it so often, although I am realistic enough to know that it will not go all by itself.

Stay well

Gledwood said...

No no no don't worry about it honestly Elsie..!

Gledwood said...

No no no don't worry about it honestly Elsie..!

Gledwood said...

Why did my own comment just appear twice? Hmm... I got the feeling you were emotionally exhausted Elsie. You know how situations can get just over-intense...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood