HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Late Night & Lost

I FEEL BETTER for having a big hit of B. If you're wondering why the Enid Blyton language below it's to do with me striving to avoid bad language. Becuse I know myself. If I do start that the whole thing will turn into a kind of truckdriver's four-letter rant blog rather than what you see before you: my can you make head nor tail of my Self-depracating Irony-sincerity no I don't think everyone does stylee.

Tonight I'm not posing any questions and I'm not answering anything except what precisely was I originally keeping this blog for? Isn't this meant to be my confessional blog? So what am I doing? I feel myself self-censoring something meaningful.

If I did dig it out, I'm sure it would only make y'all laugh...

I HATE NIGHT-TIME. That "turn off the light and go to sleep because everyone else is sleeping" time. Maybe I'd do better in New York City. Is that really the City that Never Sleeps? More than London? I wouldn't know: I have no comparison. My local shops are open 24-7. The local supermarket is open 24 hours all week; but come the weekend and bizarre Sunday trading regulations it has to shut sometime over Saturday night to reopen 10 till 5 or something stupid on Sundays so the staff can "go to church". As if any of them actually do.

My nearest local pubs shut around midnight or one a.m. One further up the road stays open till about four at weekends, but I'm definitely not in the mood for that place tonight. As I've mentioned loads of times, I used to go partying every weekend. Clubbing on E. But eventually, in the end, when reality (of whatever type) hits you, it just gets frazzling to mind, body and soul. I have too many memories of bleak mornings, chilled to the core, too knackered to walk, stuck on the wrong side of the river miles from home and probably trudging to somebody's house where I don't want to be anyhow to hear yet more techno, take in the herbal aroma of other people toking spliff (because I wouldn't touch one) and keep gum-chewing as my mind continues to scramble on E.

Really, in my heart of hearts, what I need in such a situation is a long hot bath plus deep restorative unconsciousness.

Possibly deep restorative unconsciousness isn't too far off tonight. And besides: even if it's not, the airwaves are alive with kids running their pirate radio stations. They are alwyas good for a Saturday-night laugh, and the dial is choc-a-block with them. We get the best TV and radio reception in this corner of town. I got digital TV through a £1.99 aerial. Whereas most people have to spend £100 on a rooftop replacement (that's what that little star signifies in the Argos catalogue "in some cases aerial upgrade may be required" - you bet!)

If only my brains were less inclined towards scrambling. Have I a project to sit down to? Something ghhhh. (Not like me. The word's escaped my skull.) Something worthwhile to... Think. Think. Well don't think. Thinking hurts. I'm off to read irrelevant things. Providing I can concentrate. (What IS relevant..?)

4 comments:

Mousie said...

I'm just reading a book about insomnia...showing how many bright people, artists are insomniac...I always hated nights...sleep was so difficult old nightmares, fears coming out...I remenber trying not to sleep to check noises coming out of my son's room, to be sure he had n't thrown himself out of the window, or cut his veins or...souvenirs of the time he had so many access of violence and psychiatric problems, when I feared for our lives...so now I retired I don't bother about night or day...I read and write and saw or...whenever I feel like doing it, and sleep the same...I mostly sleep during the afternoon...less difficult when all the world is awake I feel safer...two or three hours are OK...
oh dear...I just wanted to say Hello my friend Hope you have a nice week-end...
take care
Mousie

chipper said...

Yes, finding something to do, or rather, some cause to get involved in, would be a major positive change I think. And not just for you, but for me as well. My personality type directs me outward, not inward; some cause to work for, might help alleviate the problems.

I too dread going to bed. Do you find youself lying dsown, then getting up again, then a while later going through it all over again? Ah, how I hate that!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood