HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tag Quiz

Okay-dokey. Got tagged with this quiz by Ruth of the amazing & beautiful garden. I'm suposed to answer and pass it on to at least five other people...
SO HERE GOES:---

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
If I had to choose one place in the world I would go for central France because the climate is a mixture of temperate & Mediterranean, there's LOADS of wildlife (again the mixture) and I love French châteaux. An Englishman's home is his...
What’s your favourite article of clothing?
Ooer. It would be the old baggy Peruvian jumper my exex stole off me.
Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Turned sideways, the S-line between hips and thighs.
What’s the last CD that you bought?
Seriously cannot remember I was always a cassette cheapskate. It was most probably either Seargeant Pepper- Beatles or Kraftwerk the one with "she's a model and she's looking good" sung more choonlessly than I do...
Where’s your favourite place to be?
Do you really want to know? In dreamland...
Where is your least favourite place to be?
In withdrawal-land (or bad acid land) or outside when it is cold-land...
What’s your favourite place to be massaged?
On the beach.
Strong in mind or strong in body?
Mind. Definitely. My mind defeats me.
What time do you wake up in the morning?
Well the 1st time is 5am. Then around 7am, 8:30am, 10:30am... Obviously I might have to get up before 10:30am though...
What is your favourite kitchen appliance?
Cheesegrater..?.. I s'pose...
What makes you really angry?
Things not working properly.
If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Piano
Favourite colour?
Blue (of course!)
Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
Don't know what SUV is, but if it's bigger (which it has to be- duh! I'd go for that..)
Do you believe in an afterlife?
Most definitely.
Favourite children’s book?
Rupert Bear. Why do people so very rarely mention him as a favourite (?), and yet originals of Rupert annuals... well you just can't find them, they're £100s each.
What is your favourite season?
Spring.
Your least favourite household chore?
Drying up. Ugh.
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
1st choice: Flying (if I could make a living out of it). 2nd: Invisibility (to nick money from bank vaults etc).
If you have a tattoo, what is it?
Asked tattoist about temporary 2 yr tatts (lovely real needle no ugly lifelong mark) he told me I'm not the type to get one as I keep changing my mind. Which is definitely true. The only "tattoo" I need is the one I already have: my memory.
Can you juggle?
Only with 2 balls. Ooer.
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
My maternal grandmother.
What’s your favourite day?
Ruth said "Today". That's a good enough answer...
What’s in the trunk of your car?
Ditto Ruth:- I haven't got one!
Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Hamburger- definitely! Especially a lovely thick cheeseburger!!! And if from kebab shop with all salad, all sauces, 3 huge chillies...
I tag........... Chipper, Ivy, Mousie, Meg-o-Rama, Grumpy Git!!, my new & fascinating friend Daubmir + Raymi's Mum she lost her entire old blog so I told her this would at least be something to start with...- C'mon folks...!!...

N.B. This is purely for fun and not compulsory so if you don't want to then I SHALL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!! - and if you believe that you don't know me!...

16 comments:

junky said...

Thanks for stopping by man,I'm gonna delve deeper in your stuff tomorrow, I seem to be falling asleep at the wheel here.

Megs said...

Ok, only for you Gleds—I will attempt to answer your quiz seriously. I don’t really ‘do’ serious well but for you babes, I’ll try.

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?

Have I won the lottery? Do I have endless cash? If so, I would build an eco-friendly self sustaining ranch in lower Colorado on a few thousand acres and spend the rest of my days smoking out and working on art.

What’s your favourite article of clothing?
None—I’m all about the nekkidness
Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex?
I am an ass girl—I totally lurve a sweet ass on a man!
What’s the last CD that you bought?
The new AFI album—Decemberunderground
Where’s your favourite place to be?
Home. I travel a lot for work and although I enjoy travel for pleasure, I just bought my first house and I am totally lurving being home with the critters, having friends over, decorating and “nesting”.
Where is your least favourite place to be?
Work or with my mother for a long period of time
What’s your favourite place to be massaged?
Anywhere—I am a whore for the rubbing!
Strong in mind or strong in body?
Both but my freakish lower body strength is quite amazing
What time do you wake up in the morning?
5-5:30 am gotta’ let the dogs out and feed my horse
What is your favourite kitchen appliance?
Isn’t that a little bit personal? ;) Probably my French Press although it’s not really an ‘appliance’
What makes you really angry?
Hypocrites, people who abuse animals and endless amounts of SPAM
If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Bass guitar or the skin flute
Favourite colour?
I think you need spell check…kidding you damn Brit!!! Black is my favorite color followed closely by red.
Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
What I prefer, I can’t afford--an Auburn--so I have a small, serious SUV
Do you believe in an afterlife?
I’ve been through too much not to believe-otherwise I’d probably have gone mad
Favourite children’s book?
The Adventures of Ant & Bee series and the Wizard of Oz series by Frank L. Baum
What is your favourite season?
Fall
Your least favourite household chore?
Scooping poop-cat, dog and horse
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
Buns of Steel…seriously. Ok, fine, mind control/telepathy like X-Men Professor Xavier or Jane Gray. The possibilities are endless with that...
If you have a tattoo, what is it?
I have several. They document important events in my life. My college sorority on my ankle; an armband of flames with a Kodachrome blue heart for my friend John who killed himself; an upper back tattoo of a heart surrounded by barbed wire and surrounded by clouds when I got divorced.
Can you juggle?
I juggle dates all the time! ;)
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
My friend/brother John. It’s been five years and I still feel his loss keenly every day.
What’s your favourite day?
Friday 4pm—WAHOO-weekend!!!!
What’s in the trunk of your car?
My car’s an SUV so I don’t have one—many times the back is filled with bales of hay. The carwash employees absolutely despise me!

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
That’s a tough choice. I love them both depending on my mood. If you had said pizza or ice cream as choices, those would have won hands down.

Megs said...

BUGGER! The damn thing went all mad alec on me before I could fix the spacing on your little quiz...
ARGH! Sorry it's all jumbly and such...

Wayward Son said...

I totally lifted this quiz from your blog for my own purposes. Thanks for the free content. Sometimes I am at a loss for what to write. When/if you read my posting you'll find a heinous admission on my part. My apologies for being such a stupid Yank.

WS

RUTH said...

Brilliant GW. I'm sure I had an S-line once...must have lost it somewhere! Did you own a pair of Rupert Bear trousers when you were a kid?
Rx

chipper said...

Ah, the lovely "S-line" ... I never heard it described that way, but yes, I know what you mean!

And a question re: your least-favorite household chore: what is "drying up?" Doing dishes (as we Yanks might say)?

And alas! I've been tagged. I shall gladly oblige! Sounds fun.

gledwood said...

O right - drying up is the drying part of doing dishes, the part children are usually roped in to do. It's my childhood memories of grasping the soggy cloth: the hot-&-cold, wet-&-dry mix got 2 me.

G

gledwood said...

Rupert Bear trousers? Ohwhh.. not red tartan, no. I do remember wearing a lot of courldroy (whatever you call it, in plain English: Cords), may have had BROWN chequered or checked (what is the word?:,- I don't know my fabric designs.) Actually if you're into patterns go to lealawson.blogspot.com (I "blogs I'm readinged it up top). But to get back to the point, surely brown would have been worse..? Hmmm I don't remember. But in mitigation, I DID have a 1970s childhood.

Mousie said...

I did answer and published it in my blog, with Docabeille...thanks dear
all the best from mousie
and a gentle stroke to mousey

grumpygit said...

Done - answers are on my blog .

gledwood said...

Thanks, Grumps. I'm gonna have a look in a minute...

lightupvirginmary said...

hey gledwood, saw you commented on my blog so i thought I'd check yours out!
Re. drying up. Just leave in in the drainer! It dries itself.
For more slacker tips, see me! :-)

Gledwood said...

Yes you're quite right about leaving it in the drainer, but my elders would not let me. Nowadays I DO do precisely that.

Or I just quicky wipe it down with the inside of my sweater...

No-no just kidding!!

Is it just me? said...

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
On an Island off the west coast of Ireland called Inis Meain.
What’s your favourite article of clothing?
My Aigle wellington boots.
Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex?
arse
What’s the last CD that you bought?
Amy Winehouse
Where’s your favourite place to be?
At home with my husbands parents
Where is your least favourite place to be?
In a fucking line
What’s your favourite place to be massaged?
Don't touch me!
Strong in mind or strong in body?
Mind. Mind..working on the body
What time do you wake up in the morning?when the boys wake me for cereal or because they can't stand the cat miaowing for me any longer.

What is your favourite kitchen appliance?
Magimix!
What makes you really angry?
Stupid people
If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Piano
Favourite colour?
Green
Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
Sports car, I hate the saps who drive suv's
Do you believe in an afterlife?
I need to.

Favourite children’s book?
Five run away together Enid Blyton
What is your favourite season?
All of 'em I love to walk about sniffing stuff

Your least favourite household chore?
Ironing.
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
1st choice: Flying and when I dream of flying its so real, I wake up and feel like I can.

If you have a tattoo, what is it?
they hurt so noooo

Can you juggle?
I have really bad co ordination and anyway its really silly to attempt juggling after a bottle of red wine.
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
My mother
What’s your favourite day?
Every day!
What’s in the trunk of your car?
My festival tent
Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Hamburger.Sushi is raw fish....uck!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood