HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tuesday Calm

WAS MESSED AROUND for several hours today by "da man" who had no "man" to come deliver his precious wares. Meanwhile a famous shoplifter known to me (well, okay, the guy's about as "famous" or well-known as shoplifters ever get in their local manor); he and his mate (the young companion is actually public school (which means "private school" here) and very posh) - they came to my place to get out of the cold and left me with rather a welcome "free gift" prezzie. In the end, after TOO MANY minutes, rolling into hours of awaiting MY man, (possibly 3 hours, not that I was really counting, coz I was busy in that time) I gave up and rang someone else - and had the treasured stuff in my hand within 15 minutes...

Tonight's tea was cod in parsley sauce on a bed of mixed-multigrain tagliatelle with carefully Gledwooded brocolli florets all a-sprinkled with Jarlsberg Norwegian holey cheese plus "Italian hard cheese": J Sainsbury's equivalent of Parmesan. All this with a beautiful snowball that has me dizzying right to this moment...

This typeface was indeed lifted from a 1910 periodical (and we must pronounce "nineteen hundred and ten", for full "period" ambience):- just look at the faded esezz...

I'm still regaining my equilibrium a little, cyberwise, after a cyberpergatorial weekend. Got so over-the-top severely wound up re simply dumping my old blog into a new one here (as I know I did intimate at the time)... (don't ask quite WHY I set my heart on achieving this, the reasons are obscured in the mists of my own irrationality...) - I did at the time resoluve, I remember this, to carry on blogging using a different company, put all of what had been said in the new one and simply continue from there. Only GOOGLE would not let me. They saw my excessive "dumping" as signs of all being unwell and took to DEMANDING not ONLY that I interpret words from Old Church Slavonic (I never CAN key them in right, with all that bouquet bracken, barbed wire, branches and split telegraph poles behind the chmizldeffosynssness... surely I'm not the ONLY one...)

... I fastidiously achieve all this... only THEN for a renewed demand to log in (I obviously already HAD been logged in merely to get to this point) and my username and password to be rejected. Ie after transferring 50 a day, this same company that assured me I could post 999 times in a week and keep it all on one page, was not letting me get away with a mere 51!! There's very little left to say about this, save by swearing, and I'm sticking to my (self-imposed) no bad language ruling however much this might pain me. Blogspot is a lot better than my old "home". So much QUICKER just for one thing... ANYhow...

Chinese mouse: He sleeps daily onwards as he always does. Last "PING!!" he made outta my sleeve (while I slept):- rather than perform Furry Scalectrix on my massive Turkicesque rug;- he snuck off! And made a "woodland berries" nest beneath my Adidas top! Looking so cute, with beady eyes peering out of his woodland laundry bedroom:- I hated even to move him.

(It's like when Panda-Ball, my humungous tubby pensioner Syrian, the one that lived till nearly FOUR (that's a long-long time in hammy years, believe) packed up his bed in his pouches (imagine that! Being able to stuff a double-mattress and quilt plus sundry pillows and sheeting in your MOUTH-!!- & run across the room like that-!!) Did all this on his nightly run-arounds (I always used to let the Panda-Ball go rambling, he got fractious with me if I didn't...).

Anyway, said vigorous hamster found self a place he liked more than his cracked old aquarium -- behind my chest of drawers. Begged to be let back in his tank to gather yet MORE nesting jazz... repeated procedure to my amused amazement...:-THEN I realized what was happening, the little swine was set on moving house. And kept pawing at the glass when I removed him back "home", imploring at me "let me out, I really DO want to live behind your undies drawer, honest. & I promise I won't cause you no bother, man. Serious! (Oh, and be a mate, will yer, and leave me rat wheel out...? Just to the right of that telephone socket would do it... Aww..- Fanks, you're a mate!...") & I'll behave me self an' all. Honest, boss I will! Why d'you keep lookin' at me like that??"

Because, Panda-Ball, thousands wouldn't; but I believe you.... Like you're not going to NIBBLE dem wires sprouting from said telephone socket... oh yes!..

Poor hammy was GUTTED when he got delivered permanently back into "4 walls of glass" container. Well. Let's face it:- only the very worst human non-death-penalty murderers get sentanced to spend their entire rest of their lives behind walls of glass... And yet tropical fish and degus and hamsters are expected just to put up with it...)

... a-HEM-!! Wasn't THAT a bit of a tangent!!?

But I'm off to get some Jaffa Cakes, so I'll see yers later. Bye for now...


grumpygit said...

Just want to say great blog - and thanks for dropping by mine. I've bookmarked you and will drop by again. Cheers, Grumpy

daubmir said...

Thanks, Glad, for posting an interesting comment on one of my many blogs. You're addicted to drugs, I'm addicted to words -- this type of disease being called logorrhea.
Ha ha ha hahaha hahahahahahhhhh!!!
I don't need no chemical stuff, my friend: I'm my own drug. And I too cannot stop...
Been wandering the fours corners of this overpolluted globe, searching and searching-- WHAT? Buggered if I know. But I'm still going, still pacing, still questing.

Your 2nd blog looks just fine, Gled. From what I've read so far, we have much to share and feel -- you are a sensitive guy, mon ami. Yet with a propensity for vice, uh? Dope and drink (a great cocktail)...and hey, what about women and tobacco?

Salud y amor y pesetas, they say. Howyagoin' for loneliness, anxiety, panic, depression, OCD, bipolarism, schizophrenia, manias & suicide? Any good?

Keep well, friend.

A bien tot

gledwood said...

Oh I steer clear of being named for my mental foibles. They said I had a "depressed mood" once when I could barely speak. How perceptive!! I hope I'm not bipolar. I always hid anything resembling an "up" mood from them for that very reason...

The wordy diarrhoeah I know very well. I do get it too, you know, but was prescribed liberal use of the delete key by my techdoctor...

RUTH said...

The grub sounds nice..bit of a Masterchef going on there. Glad the telephone wires are still in one piece....now I can finally get into your blog easily would hate to lose you!

chipper said...

That luscious cod dish simply MUST be added to your Junky Cookery list. Methinks Gledwood should publish said recipes together with photos, and suggested accompaniments for each dish (wine, cider, snowballs) in a posh, leather-bound volume.

Hey, I'd buy the first copy!

gledwood said...

Yeah maybe I should write a book and call it Cooking with Ready Meals !!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood